


Swept completely off my feet  (this snow globe scene is turning me)

by c_rissarose16



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, JJ Has Feelings For Kiara (Outer Banks), Kiara Has Feelings For JJ (Outer Banks), Miscommunication, Morning Cuddles, Mutual Pining, Past Child Abuse, Pining, Platonic Cuddling, Sleepy Cuddles, and I think the dog ate it, claustrophobic JJ, i swear to god there's also a lot of fluff, idk if youve noticed but i like cuddling, one braincell between them, really they are so dumb, this really has no right being this angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 56,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28280574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c_rissarose16/pseuds/c_rissarose16
Summary: “When are you heading out?” JJ asks.“Huh? Oh, uh, I have a couple days. Are you going to Tannyhill for Christmas?”“Probably. Go save Sneezie from dinner with the lovebirds, might pop in on Pope’s. Maybe even see my dad.”“JJ-”He cuts her off, a guarded edge to his voice, “Don’t, Kie- please,” the edge in his voice disappears, replaced with a tired, pleading tone, “he’s my dad.”He says it like it means everything, like that’s all the explanation he needs. It’s enough to convince Kiara that Sarah is right, he needs this just as much, if not more, than she does. Fuck her feelings, he can’t see his dad or end up hooking up with Amber again if he’s miles away in New York with her.“Come to New York with me,” she says quickly, and it’s more of a demand than a request.JJ chokes on his beer, “excuse me?”In which Kiara asks JJ to pose as her boyfriend and takes him to New York City to meet her family, chaos ensues and they are (gasp) forced to confront their feelings.This is basically an angsty Hallmark Movie in fanfiction form and I will not apologize.
Relationships: JJ & John B. Routledge, JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks), Kiara & John B. Routledge, Sarah Cameron & Kiara
Comments: 122
Kudos: 144





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas Eve!!!! This started out in my head as a fluffy one-shot about JJ and Kie spending Christmas in NYC and then... it turned into this angsty, fluffy, hallmark movie-style roller coaster of a multichapter. I don't know what to tell you it just happened. A big shout out to YellowLaboratory for betaing this mess, adding much-needed comas, deleting random spaces, and leaving hilarious confidence-boosting comments. She's amazing and I love her a lot. AnywhO this is no literary masterpiece but I hope it's a good time lol 
> 
> (also I used the lyrics to tis the damn season because I couldn't help myself but that one verse is really the only part that applies. This is in fact, not, about them being sex buddies when she comes home for Christmas but she does in fact let him call her babe for the weekend)

_You could call me “babe” for the weekend_

####  _Tis the damn season,_

_write this down_

_I’m stayin’ at my parents’ house_

_And the road not taken looks real good now_

_And it always leads to you in my hometown_

Kiara loves Christmas. Growing up, Christmas had meant singing carols with her mom in the car on the way to pick up a Christmas tree. Dancing to those Christmas carols with her dad while decorating the tree. She even didn’t mind having to go see her mom’s side of the family because that meant New York City. Kiara’s a country person at heart, and a warm-weather person as well, but there’s something magical about Christmas in New York, about seeing huge piles of snowfall down and get pushed into piles on sidewalks and driveways. There’s ice skating and skiing and snowmobiling, watching the Christmas Spectacular, and spending time with family members she doesn’t really like in order to spend time with family members that she does.

This year is no different – Kiara’s been singing Christmas carols the whole ride home from college and is still humming  _ I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas  _ as she walks into her house.

“Hello! Anyone home?” She calls, taking off her winter gear and hanging them in the closet. 

“Kiara!” her mom exclaims, literally sliding into the room with a bright smile on her face, Aunt Charlotte on her heels (her mom is always more fun when her sister is around, Aunt Charlotte just has that effect on people). Both women run up to crush Kiara in a hug and she laughs as she hugs them back. Asks playfully, “you two been into the wine already?” 

“Without you? Wouldn’t think of it sweetie,” aunt Charlotte says with a smile, tossing her curly brown hair and walking over to the counter to pour them all a glass. 

“Where’s dad?” 

“The Wreck, where else?” her mom responds, “you know how he gets about leaving work.” 

“Well, how’s college? Studying hard I hope?” Her aunt asks, handing her a glass. 

“It’s great! I just got back from my last study abroad trip a few weeks ago and I want to go to Australia over the summer, maybe get a job in animal rescue for the two months.” 

“Look at you, so worldly. Can you believe we’ve got such a traveler on our hands, Anna? Now, for the million-dollar question. Any college boys or girls you might be looking to bring home?” Her aunt asks, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. 

Kiara wrinkles her nose, “well, I’m here by myself, aren’t I?” 

Both women sigh, Charlotte looks at her sympathetically. 

Kiara looks between them, feeling like she’s missing something important. “What? What’s that look?” 

Aunt Charlotte glances at Anna before explaining, “We were  _ hoping  _ you might have someone you could bring to Christmas because your  _ dearest  _ grandmother has decided Christmas would be a  _ perfect  _ time to introduce you to  _ suitable  _ young men.” 

Kiara’s jaw drops open. So much for being excited about Christmas. “You have to stop her!” 

“Oh, we tried,” her mom says tiredly. “I’m really sorry, Kie. I know this puts a bit of a damper on Christmas but… you know, maybe it’ll be good--” 

That’s all Kiara needs to hear before she cuts her mother off with a groan. “I need to leave.” 

“Kiara! You haven’t even unpacked!” Her mom calls after her, but Kiara is already halfway out the door. 

She yells, “I'll be back for dinner!” and slams the door behind her. 

***

When Kiara gets to the Chateau she sees the Twinkie gone and almost turns around, assuming John B and Sarah were out, but then Sarah is out on the porch calling her name and waving. Kie stops the car and rushes out to greet her friend, colliding in a mess of giggles as they hug. 

“God, I missed you so much,” Sarah says as they head inside. 

“You too,” Kie responds softly and means it. 

“Where’s John B?” 

“He and JJ went out about an hour ago. They’ll turn up eventually.” 

Kiara hums in agreement, makes small talk with Sarah about college and traveling abroad. 

“So, are you ready to head to NYC? I’m so jealous, I’d love to see the city at Christmas time.” 

Kiara groans at the mention of the now dreaded trip, flopping down on the couch, and dramatically slinging her arm over her face. “I  _ would  _ be, if I hadn't just been warned in advance that my grandmother is trying to set me up with,” Kiara sits up and mimics a posh American accent, “suitable young men.” 

Sarah gasps, “No!” 

“Yes! And you  _ know  _ my grandmother is going to find the most bougie, douchie, stick up his ass trust fund asshole she can scrounge up. I mean how do explain that I do  _ not  _ want to be some fucking trophy wife?!” 

  
“Could you take someone?” 

“I don’t have anyone to take Sarah, that's part of the problem.” 

Sarah fixes her with a glare. “No, I mean you could take a friend and just like… pretend you’re dating.” 

Kiara just laughs, looks at Sarah incredulously, “do I look like I’m in a  _ fucking  _ fanfiction to you?” 

Sarah frowns at her, “what?”

  
“Nevermind,” Kiara grumbles, of course, Sarah wouldn’t get that. 

“Well, the only other option is spending Christmas with a bunch of stuck-up trust fund douches so take your pick.” 

As stupid as Sarah’s idea is, it  _ anything  _ sound better than getting set up by her  _ grandmother _ . She asks hopefully, “can I borrow John B?” 

Sarah snorts, “how much will you pay me?” 

Kiara raises her eyebrows, “really?” 

  
“No! I’m kidding, he’s not a rent-a-boyfriend.” 

“Hmm, shame.” 

“I’m thinking more along the lines of someone who is  _ actually _ single.” 

Kiara intentionally ignores Sarah’s suggestive tone. “Well, all of my college friends are  home with their families, sooo...” 

“You have friends here too.”

“I’m not taking Pope away from his family on Christmas. Besides, he has a boyfriend.” Kiara pauses thoughtfully for a second then gasps and looks up at Sarah. “You wanna come?” 

Sarah’s jaw falls open, and then she slams it shut, her face an angry blend of disbelief and annoyance. “For fuck’s sake Kiara!” She exclaims, “if only you had a super hot, completely single best friend with no family plans! Oh, wait  _ you do _ .” 

“No,” Kiara says, standing up from the couch and pointing at Sarah, “not happening.” 

Sarah scoffs. “Why not? It’s perfect?” 

“You want me to take  _ JJ  _ on a trip to  _ New York  _ to spend time with  _ my family _ ? I’m not putting him through that. And I don’t wanna interrupt his plans with you guys.” 

Sarah scoffs. “First of all, his ‘plans with us’ are to show up for thirty minutes, eat dinner, say hi to Wheezie, and go back to moping in his apartment. He needs this, Kie! And I’m sure he could make hanging out with your family  _ so  _ much more fun.” 

“I can’t ask JJ okay? Can you drop it? I’ll just … suffer.” Kiara says in a huff, grabbing a beer out of the fridge because she doesn’t think she can continue this conversation sober. 

“Why?” Sarah asks pointedly. 

  
“Why what?” 

“Why can’t you ask JJ?” 

“I just fucking told you.” 

“Oh please, that was bullshit.” 

Kie sighs and moves back to plop down on the couch. She does have a  _ very  _ good reason, a reason that she’s been doing her best to suppress for almost a year now. She promised herself she wouldn’t tell anyone,  _ especially  _ Sarah. She knows that once she tells Sarah, the little box in the back of her mind where she’s burying all her feelings will be smashed open and she’ll have to actually  _ deal  _ with them. Yup, hard pass on that one. 

“You know what it sounds like a great plan Sarah, ‘Oh hey JJ, I know that you just went through a really bad break up with your piece of shit ex-girlfriend but  _ heeyyy _ wanna pretend to date me and spend Christmas with my whole family’!” 

Sarah rolls her eyes. “Just ask him, Kie. See what he says. I’m sure he could use to take his mind off things, get off of this fucking island. I think you’d be helping him as much as he’d be helping you.” 

Kiara opens her mouth to respond but is cut off by the sound of the door slamming open and John B and JJ bantering about something incoherent. Sarah gives her a pointed look and looks over to greet them, “hey guys!” 

  
“Kie!” John B exclaims when he sees her, running up and crushing her in a bear hug. 

“Hey, John B. I missed you too,” Kie says, pecking him on the cheek. 

Sarah walks over to them and wraps an arm around his waist, whispers something in his ear while JJ and Kiara watch them in bored disgust. 

John B turns back to them, says, “So, um, I’m gonna go take a shower, we- I’ll be out in a few and we can all hang out.”

JJ makes a gagging motion at Kie and she has to stifle a giggle. 

“For fuck’s sake, can you two at least  _ pretend  _ to be discreet?” JJ asks, but there’s no heat to it and a smile is tugging at his lips. 

“You’re one to talk,” John B accuses. 

Sarah just shrugs at JJ and slaps John B’s ass. “C’mon, babe.” 

“Don’t be too loud in there!” JJ calls after them, both Sarah and John B flip him off. 

JJ chuckles, finally turning to her. 

“I swear to god they get worse every year,” she says with a small smile.

“You’re telling me. I’m surprised I haven’t gouged my ears out.” 

“Its eyes you gouge out, Jay.” 

“I can gouge my ears out if I want to.” 

They both laugh. “It’s good to see you,” Kiara says, opening her arms for a hug. JJ obliges, his arms settling around her waist and his forehead resting on her shoulder. It’s softer and infinitely more intimate than the hug she shared with John B. 

When they pull away JJ lets out a shuddery breath, softly says, “I missed you.” 

Kiara purses her lips rests her hand on his forearm in what she hopes is a comforting gesture. “I missed you, too. You okay?” 

He sighs. “Yeah, yeah I’m okay.” 

It’s not true, they both know it, but Kiara decides not to call him out on it. 

“You wanna talk about it?” She asks instead, guessing his answer before he responds. 

“Nah.” He walks over to the fridge. “Beer?” 

She holds up the one already in her hand and he nods, taking one for himself and sitting down on the couch. Kie sits down beside him. He doesn’t ask her about college – she’s already told him everything about it over the phone – and she doesn’t ask him how he’s been, because she knows he hasn’t been good since breaking up with Amber. Not that he was doing very well while he was  _ with  _ Amber and,  _ god,  _ what Kiara would give to punch that girl in the face. 

“When are you heading out?” JJ asks.

“Huh? Oh, uh, I have a couple of days. Are you going to Tannyhill for Christmas?” 

  
“Probably. Go save Sneezie from dinner with the lovebirds, might pop in on Pope’s. Maybe even see my dad.” 

“JJ-” 

He cuts her off, a guarded edge to his voice, “Don’t, Kie-  _ please,”  _ the edge in his voice disappears, replaced with a tired, pleading tone, “he’s my dad.” 

He says it like it means everything, like that’s all the explanation he needs. It’s enough to convince Kiara that Sarah is right, he needs this just as much, if not more, than she does. Fuck her feelings, he can’t see his dad or end up hooking up with Amber again if he’s miles away in New York with her. 

“Come to New York with me,” she says quickly, and it’s more of a demand than a request. 

JJ chokes on his beer, “ _ excuse me _ ?” 

Kiara swallows, she has to play this right. JJ’s just as stubborn as she is, and she’ll never get him to do what she wants by trying to force him into it and he won’t do  _ anything  _ for himself. He has to believe it’s entirely for her benefit. 

“Okay, so you know how we always go to see my grandparents in the City for Christmas each year?” 

JJ frowns at her with a confused, wary expression on his face, “yeah?” 

“Well, apparently, my grandmother is looking to set up with this year and I just  _ know  _ the guys she picks out are going to be like  _ Rafe  _ level Kooky asshats and it’ll  _ completely  _ ruin my Christmas.” 

“Damn, Kie, that sucks. But uh, how did I come into this?” 

“Well,” she starts slowly, “Sarah suggested that I take a friend and  _ pretend  _ that we’re dating. Ya know, to keep my grandmother off my dick.” 

JJ stares at her in disbelief, then bursts out laughing. 

“JJ!” she exclaims, but there's a smile on her face as well, “I’m being serious!” 

  
“You,” he says slowly, still somewhat breathless, “want _me_ to be the fake boyfriend that you bring home for Christmas? 

“Look, I know it’s asking a lot, but we won’t have to spend the  _ whole  _ time with my family. I barely get to see you now that I’m in college. It’ll be nice to catch up.” 

“Kie, we text all the time.” 

“Catch up in  _ person. _ It’s different.” 

“Kie-” 

Desperate times call for desperate measures. “Please, JJ?” she asks, acting like she’s not intentionally fluttering her eyelashes, JJ may be stubborn as fuck but he gives in real quick if you ask nicely. “You’d really be saving my Christmas.” 

Kiara tries to hide her smirk as he  _ visibly  _ breaks. 

“Fine, but you  _ owe _ me. Big time.” 

“Yes!” Kie exclaims, throwing her arms around his shoulders, and pecking him on the cheek, ignoring the way her stomach does a flip when she does. “Thank you!” Then adds teasingly, “my hero, really.” 

He smirks, “you know, I kinda like the sound of that.” 

  
“Yeah, well, don’t get used to it. Your head's big enough as it is,” she says flicking him lightly on the forehead. 

JJ tickles her sides in retaliation, and Kie bursts into giggles and squirms away from him but ends up falling into his lap. Maybe Christmas won’t be so bad after all.

_ Friends don't call you in the middle of the night _

_ Couldn't even tell you why _

_ They just felt like saying "hi" _

_ Friends don't stand around, playing with their keys _

_ Finding reasons not to leave _

_ Trying to hide the chemistry _

_ Drive a little too slow, take the long way home _

_ Get a little too close _

####  _ We do, but friends don't _

  
  


Kiara wonders if all families have such a hard time getting out the door for vacations or if it’s just the Carrera’s. Her mom is rushing through their bags and asking everyone if they’re sure they have everything, her dad is trying in vain to convince her to relax, and her aunt is sipping a glass of wine, watching the scene in amusement. Her mom is about five seconds away from snapping at her dad when there’s a knock on the door. 

“I got it!” She exclaims, sliding off her stool and practically running to the door. 

She must open it with a little  _ too much  _ enthusiasm because JJ raises an eyebrow at her and smirks. “Excited to see me?” 

  
“Excited to finally have someone to share in my suffering,” she responds with a smile, “you have warmer clothes than that, right?” 

She glances down at his outfit: a pair of jeans (rare for him, she’s impressed), a pelican marina T-shirt (has he had that since high school?), and a black and gray flannel over top of it that brings out the blue in his eyes (why the fuck is that so hot?).

“Nah, I don’t believe in jackets...” 

  
She raises her eyebrows at him and he smirks back at her, “yes, _Mom,_ I brought warmer clothes.” 

“Don’t call me that.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

  
“Or that.” 

“So sorry, my dearest beloved,” he deadpans. 

Kiara rolls her eyes. “Oh, shut up.” 

“What? I’m supposed to be your boyfriend, right? I’m just playing the part. John B and Sarah are the only healthy relationship I know.” He says it lightly, with a bright grin, but Kiara feels her mood fall. 

JJ must notice because he clears his throat. “Uh, are you gonna let me in or just stand here checking me out all day while I’m freezing my ass off?” 

Kiara scoffs, trying to hide the heat crawling across her face, mumbles, “as if there’s anything to check out,” and steps aside to let him in. She frowns as she notices a tiny bruise blossoming on his cheek. “What happened to your face?” 

  
“Huh? Oh surfing, happens sometimes ya know.” 

“Right,” Kiara responds, dryly. He’s obviously lying, but he walks over to greet her parents before she can call him out on it. Kiara informed her parents of the plan Sarah came up with that day, they’d taken it surprisingly well. Mostly just thankful that JJ wasn’t her  _ actual  _ boyfriend. Aunt Charlotte had laughed at the time and asked Anna why they never thought of that as kids. To which Anna responded, “that's because we didn’t have any male friends to take Charlotte.” Kiara isn’t sure if she meant it as dig, but it sure felt like it. Aunt Charlotte had taken her aside after dinner and demanded to know whether Kiara actually had feelings for this “fake boyfriend.” Kiara adamantly denied that she looks at JJ as anything more than a friend and her aunt has said; “well, for christ's sake, Kiara, if you like the boy  _ that  _ much why don’t you just ask him out for real?” 

“You ready, girlfriend?” JJ asks, slinging an arm around her and shaking her out of her memory. 

Kiara peels his arm off her shoulder, “you are having way too much fun with this.” 

“Just trying to save your Christmas, babe.” 

“Call me that again JJ, see what happens.” 

“Alright, lovebirds, let's get out of here,” Aunt Charlotte says, flashing Kiara a wink as she walks past. Kiara stares daggers at her in return. 

The car ride is a lot less awkward than Kiara expected. She takes the middle because she knows JJ doesn't like feeling trapped and aunt Charlotte insists that riding in the middle makes her carsick. Kiara has a sneaking suspicion that she’s just trying to get Kiara and JJ to sit next to each other, which would be extremely juvenile and utterly pointless. 

Her mom has a playlist made almost entirely of Micheal Buble and Mariah Carey, which is basic as fuck but Christmas songs are Christmas songs and she and JJ sing along to half of them. Kiara wins the argument with her mother on whether or not to skip  _ Baby It’s Cold Outside  _ and JJ serenades her with  _ I Wanna Hippopotamus For Christmas _ , in a falsetto that  _ probably  _ isn’t healthy, trying to match the singer in pitch  _ and  _ making a sad attempt at matching her nasally, unique tone. Kiara normally likes to belt this song herself, but this time she was too busy laughing until there were literal tears falling down her face and her midsection was aching. 

***

This may be JJ’s first time in an airport, but he has ultimately decided that he hates them. It’s hectic and bland, filled with whites and grays and people _waiting_. It reminds him too much of a hospital and the closer they get to actually getting on a plane the more JJ wonders why he even agreed to this in the first place.

_ Because Kiara asked _ his head responds, and JJ scoffs at himself. Fake dating his best friend, the girl he has been trying and failing to get over since high school, in front of her entire Kook family sounds like an absolute recipe for a disaster. A terrible decision really. But terrible decisions happen to be his forte and he just can’t say  _ no  _ when Kiara asks him for something like that. Fuck, he’d probably jump on a knife for her if she asked – not that she ever would, but if she did, he’d do it. Which probably isn’t the healthiest, but JJ’s also not really sure he knows healthy is. Kiara is about as close to it as he’s ever gotten. 

They pass the time by taking multiple selfies using various Snapchat filters and playing almost all of the Snapchat games before their flight is called. It gets harder to keep himself calm as they actually get on the plane. He wasn’t about to admit to Kiara that being trapped in a flying tin can make him nervous as hell, but as they walk through the cramped aisle to their seats it takes all the willpower he has not to turn around and sprint out the door. Kiara offers him the window seat and he can only shake his head. He figures she’s trying to be nice, to give him the view, but being trapped against that wall is the last thing he needs right now. 

“Hey,” Kiara says as they take their seats, “it’s gonna be fine,” and offers him a comforting smile. 

JJ shakes his head, tugging at the ends of his hair. “Yeah, I’m good.” 

She says, “okay,” even though he’s clearly not, fiddles with getting her AirPods out of her carry on and lets him have his space. 

He glances around for the exits and see’s that they’re all closed, clenches his fists tightly, and tries to relax, has to close his eyes for a moment because it’s starting to look like the walls are moving closer. He’s tempted to reach for Kiara’s hand, she’s always had a way of grounding him, of quieting his mind and making it just a little easier to breathe. But she’s been kind of weird about the whole  _ fake dating  _ thing and her parents are sitting beside them. So instead, he digs his fingernails deeper into his palms and tries to push the memories out of his mind. 

He ends up grabbing her hand anyway when the flight takes off anyway, he doesn’t mean to, it just happens. An instinctive need for reassurance, for  _ her  _ reassurance, and she gives it without question. She squeezes back, rubs her thumb across the back of his hand. It’s such a small, tender gesture and JJ practically melts at the touch. He has to resist the urge to lean down and rest his head on her shoulder, hide his face in her neck, and let the rest of the world fade away. Let the smell of cocoa butter and lavender perfume calm the constant buzzing of his mind. He can’t do that, he knows he can’t, but just thinking about it distracts him from his nerves, calms him. He lets go of her hand, ruffling it through his hair just for something to do. “Uh, sorry.” 

Kiara just smiles at him. “It’s okay,” she says warmly, offering him an airpod, “here. You pick.” 

***

Kiara almost murders him when JJ forces her to listen to the entirety of  _ Dominick the Donkey _ but ends up laughing at his terrible Italian accent when he sings along. Has to tell him to be quieter at  _ least _ five times as they get disapproving looks from various passengers. She takes her revenge by picking Christmas Shoe’s and making them both listen to it through. It’s as much of a punishment for her as it is for him, but she gets some satisfaction when he looks genuinely sad. 

“That shits fucking depressing,” he says when it's finally over. “You actually  _ like  _ that song?”

“That’s what you get for making me listen to fucking  _ Dominic the Donkey. _ ” 

A mischievous grin flashes across his face and snags her phone out of her hands. 

Kiara groans. “Oh,  _ God,  _ it can’t get worse than that!” 

JJ just grins at her, says, “try me,” and presses play. 

“What the  _ fuck  _ is this?” she asks, as some guy with a deep southern drawl starts singing about Rudolf. 

“Why Kiara you’ve never heard of  _ Leroy the Redneck Reindeer _ ?” He asks, with a cheeky grin, leaning into her space with one arm leaning on the armrest, his chin resting on his fist. Kiara tries not to think about how cute he looks, how close their faces are, how easy it would be to close the space between them.

Instead, she just scoffs at him. “Since when do you like country music?” 

His grin slowly slides off his face and he pulls back, both physically and emotionally. “I don’t really. My mom did though. We, uh, used to listen to this song every Christmas. Haven’t really heard it since, actually.” He reaches back to scratch the back of his neck, his voice has gone quiet and thoughtful, he says the last sentence more to himself than to her. 

Kiara’s not sure how to respond, she hates the song, he knew she would, yet still, it feels wrong to tear down what might be one of the few good memories he has of his mom. She settles for saying, “Well, it’s not as bad as  _ Dominic the Donkey _ .”

He huffs out a laugh and offers her a forced smile. “Yeah.” 

They sit in silence for a moment, JJ pulls out his phone and Kiara pulls out hers, scrolling through Instagram until her mind and thumbs feel numb. Finally, she looks up at JJ, whose face is still buried in his phone, the light bruise on his cheek suddenly seeming very visible. The chances of him hitting himself in the face with a surfboard between yesterday and today are  _ slim  _ to none. She can count the number of times she’s seen JJ wipe out on her fingers. 

“Hey, JJ?” 

He barely looks up from his phone. “Hmm? Yeah, what's up?” 

“What  _ actually  _ happened to your face?” 

He freezes for half a second before continuing to nonchalantly scroll through his phone like she hadn’t asked him anything important. If Kiara didn’t know him better, she might not even have noticed the moment of hesitation, but she does know him better and it tells her everything she needs to know. 

“I already told--” he starts, but Kiara cuts him off quickly.

  
“Don’t lie to me.” 

He finally looks up from his phone and meets her eyes. Sighs in surrender and runs a hand through his hair, mumbles, “Amber stopped by.” 

Kiara's stomach drops and as far she’s concerned, he might as well have told her that he ran into his father. 

“And you let her in?” Kiara asks, trying desperately to keep her voice even but it just comes out strained. 

JJ notices, jumps to the defensive. “Okay, I did not  _ let her in  _ okay? She picked the fucking lock.” 

“Jesus, JJ, she broke into your house just to hit you?” 

“No, she said a lot of shit first. ” 

“And she just up and slapped you across the face?” 

“Well, I also said a lot of shit.” 

“Yeah, that doesn’t make it okay,  _ JJ! _ ” 

“I didn’t say it was  _ okay, Kiara _ . You asked me what happened and I told you. I said some shit she wasn’t ready to hear.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t mean she can just  _ hit  _ you!” Kiara hisses, her attempts to remain calm failing miserably. 

  
As he always does when someone brings up Amber’s abusive tendencies, JJ just shrugs her off like it’s not a big deal. Says, “It was a _bicth slap,_ Kiara, I think I can take it,” with a small laugh. “I mean, come on, tell me you’ve never slapped a guy before?” Before Kiara can open her mouth to respond his face lights up with a grin and he adds, “oh! Remember when you smacked John B one back in the crazy Crain Lady’s basement over the whole Sarah thing? Oh, that was so funn-” 

“That was  _ different _ !” Kiara snaps, cutting him off. JJ blinks at her, startled by her outburst, and she earns multiple dirty looks from the other passengers. She bites her lip. Hard. Tries to keep herself calm. She knows it’s not JJs fault that he thinks the way he does, or that there are people like Amber willing to take advantage of it. But that he would compare  _ Kiara  _ to  _ her _ , to even insinuate that Kiara is  _ anything  _ like her crosses a line that shatters her patience. 

She lowers her voice but is still seething as she continues, “I was sixteen and I didn’t leave a fucking  _ bruise!  _ So don’t you  _ fucking _ compare me to her!” 

JJ just stares at her for a moment, a look on his face that she tries and fails to read. Eventually, he sighs and shakes his head. Keeps his head down as he quietly says, “you’re right, m’ sorry,” then pauses for a beat fiddling with his hands before adding, “you’re nothing like her.” 

There’s a heavy sadness in his voice that crumbles any anger Kiara had. She can tell that he’s about reached his limit on  _ emotional shit  _ and she knows it would probably be best to just let it go, but she also knows that this won’t stop bothering her if she doesn’t ask. 

“Did she do that a lot?” She tries gently, gauging his reaction. “Hit you, I mean.” 

JJ squints at her, his lips pulling into a frown, looking at her like he didn’t understand why the question even mattered. He recovers from the confusion quickly, his eyes darken as he smirks at her and leans closer, says, “only when I misbehaved,” in a deep husky voice that should  _ not  _ set her nerves alight. 

She wrinkles her nose and shudders, lightly pushing him away. “Ew. Ugh. Not at  _ all  _ what I was talking about.” 

“You asked,” he says with a self-satisfied smirk and shrug, but his quick deflection of the question said more than he meant it to. She truly hopes that she never sees Amber Mirrors again, because if she does, she’ll need to be  _ physically  _ restrained from punching that bitch in the face. Then again, maybe she  _ does  _ hope that she’ll see her again. 

“You didn’t deserve that, you know. Amber. The way she treated you.” Kiara says it factually like it’s a passing statement and not something that she desperately wishes he’d believe. 

JJ just scoffs, brushes her off with, “if I had a dollar for every time I heard that one.” 

“I mean it, Jay.” She gently bumps him in the shoulder to lighten the mood before he shuts down on her completely. Reaches up to ruffle his hair as she adds, “you’re a good guy, and  _ someday  _ you’re going to make some lucky girl very happy.” 

He grins back at her, reaches an arm around her shoulders, and pulls her against his chest, grinding his knuckles against her head. “Aww, don’t get sappy on me now, Kie.” 

Kiara giggles and reaches up to blindly push at his face in a vain attempt to break free. Pulls away when one of her fingers accidentally slips into his mouth. 

JJ laughs and lets her go as she wipes his saliva off on his shirt. Says, “I uh- appreciate the sentiment Kie, but I think I’m done with the whole  _ boyfriend _ thing. I have friends, and I have hookups. Girlfriends are overrated.” 

Kiara can’t help the pang of disappointment that flares up in her stomach. The feeling takes her back to the night she broke up with Marianna Ross, she’d called JJ crying because it was late and he was the most likely to be awake. Or, at least, that was why she told herself she called him over anyone else. He drove four hours straight in the dead of night just to be there for her. It hit her like an epiphany that night, he had been there all along, always there for her no matter what he was going through, even when he was pisssed as hell at her. Emotional and a tiny bit tipsy, she had naturally assumed that the feelings would be reciprocated, but when she’d kissed him it only took a few moments before he recoiled as if she'd burnt him. Laughed a little and told her she was drunk. Embarrassed and hurt from being rejected twice in one night, Kiara just buried her head in his shoulder and cried. They never mentioned it, she had resolved to do the responsible thing and be honest the next time she saw him. But she went back for summer break to find him in a relationship he had somehow failed to mention and Kiara felt like she was being rejected all over again. Decided to crush this crush once and for all and just enjoy their friendship for what it is. 

_ Clearly _ , that hasn’t been going very well. 

Kiara lets out a small laugh and turns her head to the window so he can’t see her schooling the emotion off her face. Says bluntly, “everyone swears off of dating after going through a heartbreak JJ. You’re not special.” 

He scoffs at her. “Okay, first of all, I’m not  _ heartbroken _ \--” 

Kiara rolls her eyes, he’s been an absolute  _ mess _ since breaking up with Amber, which is actually a step above the  _ mess  _ he was when he was  _ with  _ Amber. 

“I’ve tried that whole  _ girlfriend  _ thing and it just doesn’t work for me.” 

“You’re twenty-two. You’ve only had  _ two  _ girlfriends.” 

“Yeah, and they both sucked.” 

“Okay, Marie was a nice girl.” 

“Yeah, too damn nice. She was just looking for a big dick and a way to  _ rebel _ against her parents.” 

“And that bothers you?” 

He looks at her in mock hurt, dramatically raises a hand to his heart. “I have  _ feelings, Kiara.”  _

And it’s not  _ that  _ big, she thinks to herself, knowing full well it’s not true.

“I’m sorry Kiara, what was that?” 

Kiara turns to him, he’s staring at her with his jaw open and a mix of shock and disbelief on his face.

Holy  _ fuck,  _ she said that out loud. She opens her mouth to respond, but the words die in her throat. Instead, she groans and shrinks down in her seat, hiding her face in her hands. 

JJ just laughs, boyish and annoyingly cute. “Now you wanna talk about it? Six years later and you wanna start making dick jokes like it’s no big deal? Damn, and here I was thinking it was a taboo topic. You weren’t complaining about size-” 

“Shut  _ UP!  _ It  _ IS a taboo topic!  _ I never said that. It never happened, nothing happened, everything's fine,” Kiara mumbles from behind her hands, praying to the universe that he’ll just drop it. 

“Yeah,” he responds, there’s something sad in his tone that makes Kiara peep out between her arms to look at him. He catches her looking and smiles softly. “What never happened?” 

Kiara smiles back at him, relieved and  _ excruciatingly  _ grateful that he let it go. “Thank you.” 

“What are friends for right?” 

Kiara hums in agreement. Apparently, friends are for not talking about that one time they had sex in high school and pretending to be your boyfriend for Christmas. Yup, hella platonic. 

“Wanna watch a movie?” 

***

About an hour later Kiara lightly jostles JJ awake from where he was asleep on her shoulder. He made it about fifteen minutes into the movie. 

“Hmm?” he asks, his voice deep and muddled from sleep, “what’s happening?” 

Kiara smirks as he blinks and squints at the light, frowning at her in confusion. She smiles and nods at the window. “Welcome to New York.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow getting a new chapter out in one week, go me. Don't get used to it though, I go back to school on the fourth and had a chunk of this one prewritten *cries*Thank you so much to everyone who left kudos and commenting on chapter one! It really means a lot! <3 
> 
> anywho good thing Christmas is over because this chapter contains much angst. There is also fluff I promise but I won't lie this is pretty angsty. I feel like I should put out a warning that this features a description of a panic and a flashback to a quite traumatic childhood memory. I tried to handle both of those things to the best of my capability having been lucky enough to never experience either. 
> 
> Wow, that was a depressing way to start off this chapter, I promise it's not all angsty. Where I write hurt I also write comfort and there's plenty of cute bits in between. (JJ and Kie are adorable so they kinda write themselves) 
> 
> The songs used in this Chapter are Welcome To New York by Taylor Swift, Panic Room by Au/Ra, and Steamroller by Pheobe Bridges

_ It's been waitin for ya  _

####  _ Welcome to New York, welcome to New York _

_ Like any great love, it keeps you guessing _

_ Like any real love, it's ever-changing _

_ Like any true love, it drives you crazy _

_ But you know you wouldn't change anything _

__

Kiara spends the whole uber ride watching JJ watch New York City like an excited puppy. Even asks her mom if they can open a window so he can stick his head out. JJ sticks his tongue out at her and then says, “wait, can I?” and proceeds to undo the child lock on his window and attempt to stick his head out. Her mom almost screams and her aunt Charlotte laughs, her dad tells her to take a video before he gets his head taken off. The uber driver carries on completely unfazed. She takes a quick Snapchat video of him barking at a dog in the car beside them and pulls him down by the forearm before her mother has a heart attack. Saves it and sends it to the Pogues (plus Sarah) group chat, captioned,  _ JJ = a yellow lab. Discuss.  _

JJ pouts at her, face reddened from the wind and hair tousled and messy, his blue eyes sparkling with energy and excitement. She takes a picture and sends it the group chat as  _ further evidence  _ but also saves it for herself because he just looks really fuckin cute and its totally not creepy at all. 

He gets bored eventually and they play about five rounds of rock paper scissors, then eye spy, and then spend about fifteen minutes playing sweet and sour in the slow-moving traffic. Most people don’t even look, a couple wave back, three flip them off and one little boy starts crying when JJ makes a silly face at him. They even spot one couple making over the console of their car as they’re parked in traffic. 

JJ turns to her, eyebrows raised, doesn’t even have to say anything, she’s already playfully shoving at his face in a mock slap. 

He gasps, clutches his heart, and exclaims, “thou hath struketh me. How shalt I ever forgive thee!” 

“I don’t think half of those were real words,” Kiara says with a laugh, rolling her eyes. 

“Hey, I had a cousin who did Shakespeare. Made me run lines with her and shit. I know my stuff.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“I was a great Shuck.” 

“Puck.” 

“Close enough.” 

Kiara just rolls her eyes and offers him an airpod and a movie because she can tell he’s getting antsy and movies have a tendency to put him to sleep. 

He makes it a little longer into  _ The Santa Clause  _ this time. Hums in agreement when she mentions how pretty the snowglobe is. A few moments later he’s out like a light, head resting on her shoulder. 

“He’s a handful, huh?” Aunt Charlotte asks without turning around. 

Kiara huffs out a laugh. “Honestly, I’m not sure if I have a best friend or a toddler.” 

“Hey,” JJ mumbles sleepily, “I’m a fuckin treat.” 

Kiara and Aunt Charlotte laugh. Anna says, “language, Maybank” but there’s no heat to her tone. If Kiara didn’t know any better, she’d think it was bordering on affectionate.

“S’rry Ms. Anna,” he responds, pushing his head against Kiara’s shoulder so his eyes are hidden against her shirt. 

Kie sticks her lower lip out at Aunt Charlotte and mouths, “toddler.” Then pats JJ’s cheek. “Go back to sleep, Bub.” 

“Yes’m,” he answers back, voice barely discernible. 

She takes another selfie for the pogues captioned  _ sleepy puppy.  _ She saves that one as well. 

  
***

Needless to say, JJ is relieved when they finally step out of the uber and onto the streets of Manhattan. The first thing he notices is just how  _ tall  _ the buildings are. It’s one thing to see it on TV, and something completely different to actually stare up at buildings that truly reach for the sky, thinking  _ this must be how ants feel all the fucking time. _ He could have stood there for hours just staring up at them. Well, he probably couldn’t. Maybe ten minutes. Or seconds. Same difference. Then, there’s a symphony of noise, people talking, dogs barking, cars honking all blending into one chaotic tune. 

“Well,” Kiara asks, “what do you think?” 

  
It’s breath-taking, entirely overstimulating. The hoards of people and different noises and smells and the energy is _infectious_. Everyone has a purpose, a place they need to be, a reason for walking and running and moving. It’s entirely different from the quiet and slow-moving southern beaches he grew up on. He could be as wild and crazy as he wants here and no one would bat an eye. 

He turns to the side to look at Kiara, says in a deadpan, “I think it smells like shit.” 

  
Kiara laughs. “Yeah, that would be the pollution.” 

The building that is apparently her grandparent's apartment complex is  _ huge _ . JJ is so busy just looking  _ up  _ that he almost walks into the door. Which is  _ spinny. _ Kiara drags him away by the arm before he can go full circle, pulling him into the lobby. 

“Hey!” He whines, looking longingly at the revolving doors and waving to the man in the red hat who’s just standing there for some reason. 

“Rule number one,” Kiara says, linking her arm around his while they walk so that it doesn’t look like she just had to pull him away, “no playing with the door.” 

JJ pouts at her. “Oh, come on, Kie. Tell me you’ve never wanted to spin around in one of those as fast as you can.” 

“Like Elf?” She asks in an exasperated sigh. 

  
He breaks into a grin. “Yes! Like Elf!” 

  
“Okay, okay, JJ you’re yelling.” She’s aiming to come off stern but he can hear the laugh she’s holding back as people throughout the lobby shoot them disapproving glares and Kiara’s mom gives her best _stop embarrassing us_ glare. 

Kiara gives up on trying to act annoyed and laughs, says, “this was a terrible idea,” but doesn’t sound very regretful. 

He shrugs. “I tried to warn you.” 

“Too late to turn back now.” 

“Guess we’re stuck.” 

“You will be chill with my grandparents, right?” 

He tilts his head at her, a little offended. “Kiara, come on. When have I ever  _ not  _ been respectful to your family.” 

She shakes her head. “Yeah, yeah you’re right. I’m sorry. Let’s just get this over with then.” 

JJ nods at her. “Lead the way, girlfriend.” 

  
  


_ My phone has no signal _

_ It's making my skin crawl _

_ The silence is so loud _

_ The lights spark and flicker _

_ With monsters much bigger _

_ Than I can control now _

####  _ Welcome to the panic room _

  
  


JJ follows her and her parents down the hall and for the first time, he takes the place in and realizes just how  _ out of his league  _ he is. The painting on the wall that they pass by probably costs more than he makes in a week. He should be  _ working _ here, not on vacation with his girlfriend–  _ fake  _ girlfriend. Fucking hell, her grandparents are going to hate him on sight. They can probably smell trailer trash on him from their apartment. 

“You still in there?” Kiara asks, bumping his shoulder as they stop in front of an opening elevator. JJ freezes. 

_ Shit. _

“Uh, Kie, do you think we can maybe take the stairs?” He tries, hoping to keep the desperation out of his voice. “We’ve just, uh, been sitting for so long. Gotta get that exerci-” 

“JJ,” she cuts him off with a laugh, “my grandparents live on one of the top floors. No, we can’t take the stairs.” She takes his arm and pulls him in beside her. “C’mon, we’re gonna miss it. We can go to the gym later if you need to burn off some energy.” 

The elevator is so crowded that they’re shoulder to shoulder with complete strangers. Kie must have let go of his arm because she’s suddenly lost in the swarm of people. Someone bumps into him and JJ can’t hold back a flinch, they don’t even apologize. Apparently, the whole  _ pushy New Yorker  _ thing was in fact, not just a stereotype. 

His heart is hammering in his chest and he knows he should try and find Kie, if he can focus on her like he did on the plane he might be able to calm himself down before this gets out of control. He looks around to find her but there are  _ so  _ many people, the stuffy smell feels like it’s choking him and the colors of the walls and the peoples' clothes look oversaturated and drenched in yellow. He tries to blink it away but when he opens his eyes it’s all still there and if he didn’t know better, he’d think the space had gotten tighter. JJ pushes through the crowd of people until he reaches the back corner, clings tightly to the handles and the cold metal grounds him just a little bit. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to regulate his breathing, keep himself in the present, but the Christmas music coming from the speakers starts to sound like it’s underwater and the talking of the people on the elevator seems distant and far away. Even the sound of his breathing doesn’t feel real. What does feel real is the sound of a car part banging against the floor and his father's angry voice. He searches the room desperately for something else to fixate on and tries to think of something,  _ anything  _ else, but the memory takes over against his will. 

It wasn’t until about a month after his mother had left that JJ had started to feel truly  _ unsafe  _ around his dad. He had accidentally dropped some car part that his dad asked him to grab from the other table. When his dad, who had taken to starting his mornings with his brother’s homemade moonshine, started yelling at him for being clumsy and stupid, eight-year-old JJ hadn’t known any better than fire back, that he wished it was mom who stayed and not him. It hit a sore spot for Luke, and before JJ knew what was happening he was bent over a table, hearing the sound of his father’s belt coming undone. 

It’s not like it was the first time he’d ever been spanked, he had been pulled over his dad's knee plenty of times, for doing something dangerous, being disrespectful, and other such indiscretions. But this was different, normally his dad was calm, in control, he only ever used his open hand, never hard enough to leave a bruise, and he would always give him a hug afterwards. JJ had never felt like he was in any real danger. Now Luke was hitting him harder than he ever had before and  _ screaming  _ angry things that JJ was pretty sure were insults but couldn’t hear because he was hyper-focused on the stinging pain in his backside. JJ wasn’t sure his dad was ever going to stop and when he finally did, JJ was sobbing so hard he couldn’t breathe. Young and naive, JJ still expected his dad to scoop him and hold him while he cried, tell him he was a good boy and that he loved him. Instead, he was slung over his dad's shoulder like a sack of potatoes, his dad's hand digging painfully into his now bruised thigh to keep him from falling off when Luke bent down to pick up a coil of wire lying on the ground. 

His dad carried him to the kitchen and pulled open a cupboard, pulling all the cereal out of it and to JJ’s surprise, shoving him in. “dad wha-” he managed to mutter before the door was slammed in his face. He could hear the sound of wire fastening the handles shut and a rush of panic surged through him as he pushed against the door and realized it was closed shut. He banged against it, begging his dad to let him out, screaming that he was sorry, he didn’t mean to be rude, he just missed his mom. Luke slammed a fist back against the cupboard door, causing JJ to jump backward, hitting the wall because there wasn’t much of anywhere to go. His father just laughed, telling him he better get used to the fact that his mother's gone “cuz she ain’t never comin back”. He said that JJ would stay in there until he’d learned his lesson and if he kept carrying on like that, when Luke did decide he could come out he’d get another whipping. 

So JJ didn’t scream, he cried softly to himself as his dad’s footsteps receded. It was too small for him to fully lie down, or to sit upright so JJ scrunched himself into a ball and cried himself to sleep, trying to block out the way the darkness felt like it was drowning him, the way the walls seemed to be closing in on him, the way he’d never felt so alone in his life. 

His dad finally remembered him about ten hours later. All of JJ’s muscles felt stiff and cramped from barely moving, he felt like was going to explode from going so long without a way to release any of his energy, and he’d wet his pants out of desperation. At the very least, his father had the decency to feel bad about it. He carried him to the bath and held him while he cried. Got him out a fresh set of clothes and ruffled his hair with, “sorry bout that, kid. Don’t talk back to me again though.” 

Afterward, JJ ran straight to John B’s and broke down crying. He never told John B why, but he let the other boy hug him while he sobbed and John B said  _ yes  _ without question when JJ asked if he could sleep in his bed with him for a few nights. A few nights turned into the next two years before JJ slowly started to lose his fear of the dark and was able to fall asleep by himself (any night spent away from the chateau in those two years had resulted in less than two hours of sleep). It never happened again -- the cupboard part at least. After that incident, his father was kind enough to use the closet. Still, JJ’s hatred, his  _ fear _ of small spaces, of being trapped – that never left. 

He feels a hand on his arm and flinches away, takes a gasp of breath he didn’t know he’d been withholding. It’s followed by a voice, “ _ JJ!  _ JJ, it’s just me,  _ look at me!!! _ ” He recognizes it as Kiara immediately, his eyes snap open at the fear in her voice. She stands in front of him with one hand out in front of her like she wants to touch him but isn’t sure if she can. Her brown eyes are wide with fear. 

Was she afraid of him? 

“JJ, breathe!” She continues, her voice laced with concern. 

He tries to do what she says, hadn’t even realized that he wasn’t, but it comes out in a short sputter and then panic takes over as he realizes  _ he can’t fucking breathe.  _

JJ’s vaguely aware of the fact that he’s hyperventilating tries to tell himself to breathe, count to ten, but it’s like his brain is short-circuiting and he can’t remember how. He feels hot tears of frustration start to slip down his cheeks, making it even more painfully embarrassing that Kiara’s going to watch him hyperventilate and die in an elevator because he can’t remember how to fucking breath. 

Then she says his name again, softer and calmer than before. “It’s okay, you’re going to be okay, just look at me.” Kiara doesn’t sound afraid anymore. It steadies him, like if Kiara’s not afraid then maybe he doesn't have to be. 

She smiles reassuringly at him when he meets her eyes, says, “there you go, now breathe with me, okay? Like this,” then takes an exaggerated breath. 

He mimics her, relaxes a bit as air fills his lungs. 

“There you go,” Kiara says her voice warm and gentle, “that was good. Good job. See? You’re okay. Just keep doing that with me.” 

Her voice is steady and calm, she reaches down to take his hands, movements slow and visible. He doesn’t flinch away; instead, he holds on to them tightly, they’re small and soft in his. He can smell her lavender perfume as she moves closer, it almost drowns out the suffocating stench of body odor surrounding them. They stand like that, for what feels like an eternity, breathing in and out, JJ lets everything else fade away, so it’s just him and Kiara. Standing together. Breathing. The panic slowly fades and exhaustion takes its place. 

When the elevator finally dings and the doors open, he’s able to follow Kiara out at a reasonable pace. Sinks down on the floor as soon as they reach the hallway. Now outside of the confined space, it’s infinitely easier to breathe. He knows he should get up and try to explain it away, say that he’s fine, but he’s not and he doesn’t have the energy to pretend. So, he hides his face in his hands and sits on the floor listening to Kiara whisper something to her family. 

He should have thought about the fucking elevators before he agreed to take a fucking plane into fucking New York City. They’ve barely been there for an hour and he’s already fucked everything up. Probably scared Kiara half to death. John B’s the only person who had ever seen him like that. JJ had intended to keep it that way. He wipes his eyes furiously as tears start to slip out again, which only makes him more frustrated with himself. 

“Hey,” Kiara says softly, sitting down beside him. “My parents are gone.” 

He nods, pulling his knees up to his chest and hiding his face in his arm. Not wanting Kiara to see him cry, although the fact that he’s curled like a frightened child probably isn’t much more dignified. But at least this way, he doesn’t have to see her or the people walking past them with vague concern at the grown-ass man crying on the floor like a fucking child. 

“Mm sorry,” he mumbles into his arms, still not willing to look at her. 

“Hey,” she responds with a soft but impassioned voice, “don’t say that. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I mean, if anything, you tried to tell me you didn’t want to get in that elevator. I-I brushed you off like you were being stupid.” 

He picks up his head at that. Meets her eyes, wet face, and all. “It's not your fault.” 

“And it’s not yours either.” 

They hold eye contact for a moment, both blaming themselves and both convinced that the other is wrong. 

Kiara breaks the moment by lifting her hand like she’s going to touch his face, then pauses a beat, uncertain. Asks, “can I?” so softly he barely hears it. 

He nods slightly and she gives him a soft smile, cups his face and wipes the tears off his cheeks with her thumbs. JJ lets out a shuddery breath, allows himself to relax at her touch. Bask in the warmth, the tenderness, the gentle affection that most people grew up with. It shouldn’t mean that much to him that she asked him if he wanted to be touched, but somehow it felt intimate. A level of caring and consideration that he just wasn’t accustomed to. 

“We should go,” he says quietly, her hands still holding his face, “your family– ” 

“My grandparents are at some opera thing, it’s just my aunt and uncle. I told my mom to tell them you weren’t feeling well. We can stay out here as long as you want.” 

He nods and Kiara gently lets her hand fall from where they were holding his face. Instead, she takes his hand in hers and gives it a gentle squeeze. He takes it as permission to scoot lower and rest his head on her shoulder, waits for a beat for her to push him off, but she just sighs contentedly and rubs her thumb over his hand. Says, “it's okay. You’re safe. You’re here with me.” 

JJ hums in agreement, closes his eyes, just for a second, locks this memory away as a safe place, something he can come back to when his heart starts pounding too fast again. Because this right here, sitting on the floor enveloped by Kiara’s warmth is one of the safest places he’s ever been. 

  
  


_ You're a brother to me _

_ You're my partner in crime _

_ You're the feeling I get _

_ When I'm feeling fine _

_ Part of me wants you _

_ But most of me needs you _

####  _ So I won't fall unless you ask me to _

They stay like that for a little under five minutes, Kiara leans her face against the top of his head, listens to the steady rhythm of his breathing and thinks about the way his whole body had relaxed when she’d touched him. She hates herself for dragging him into that elevator, she should have at least  _ asked  _ why he sounded so desperate to take the stairs. They could have waited for one that was less crowded, taken the stairs halfway for a shorter ride, at the very least she would have made sure she was by his side the whole time. Looking back on it, he’d been more than a little jumpy before the plane took off. Kiara chalked it up to JJ being JJ, but at this point, she’s gathering that there’s a lot more going on than she'd imagined. 

“We’re going to have to talk about it at some point, Jay,” she says into the empty hallway. 

He sighs, doesn’t lift his head from her shoulder. “Later.” 

“Okay.” 

JJ waits for a beat and then he pulls away from her and stands up, offering her a hand. “As fun as this has been, I think my pity party’s over and you’ve got some Kook relatives to show me off too.” 

Kiara smiles at the return of his attitude and accepts his hand. Doesn’t let go of it as she leads him to the door she recognizes as her grandparents and knocks. 

It's opened by Aunt Charlotte, who grins at them. “Glad you two could finally make it.” Then turns to JJ and adds, in a softer voice, “how ya feelin kiddo?” 

“Never better,” he responds with a fake smile and forced cheer. 

Her aunt laughs softly and shakes her head. “You poor kid. I gotta hand it to you, you are  _ quite  _ the friend.” 

JJ smiles for real this time and Kiara grabs his hand pulling him into the room. “Yup, he’s the best.” 

Kiara can feel Aunt Charlotte's amused gaze burning holes into her back and JJ laughs. 

“Aww, you think I’m the best Kie?” 

She rolls her eyes and pouts at him. “Just shut up and look pretty.” 

He grins back at her. “Kiara Carrera, I feel violated by that statement.” 

“Oh, god.” 

“Really. I feel victimized, and sexualized, and circumcised-” 

Kiara snorts. “Circumcised?” 

He snickers a little, mumbles, “circumcised” to himself like it’s the funniest things he’s ever said. 

“You are literally twelve years old,” she says exasperated, rolling her eyes. 

“Oh, just shut up and look pretty,” he counters, using her words against her with a cocky grin. 

Before Kiara can retaliate, her uncle is getting up from the couch to meet them and Kiara leaves JJ’s side to give him and his wife a hug. Turns back to him for introductions. 

“JJ, this is my Uncle Thomas, my Aunt Lillian, my cousin Adam, his girlfriend Jeanie and the silent one in the corner that is apparently too cool to give her favorite cousin a hug, is Abigail. Everyone, this is JJ.” 

He shakes hands and exchanges pleasantries with the three adults, and Kiara moves over to the couch where Abi is sitting, leans over the back of it and asks, “now, what is so engrossing on that phone that it’s more important than your favorite cousin?” 

“You’re my only cousin.” 

“Same difference.” 

Abigail smiles and Kiara vaults over the back of the couch to give her a hug, earning her a disapproving glare from her mom that she promptly ignores. 

“Where did you find this one in such short notice Kiara?” Her Aunt Lillian asks, tossing her dark blonde hair as she settles in next to her husband on the couch across from them. 

“Under a rock,” Kiara responds quickly as JJ takes his own seat next to her. 

“Must have been a big rock,” Abigail pipes up, not bothering to look up from her phone. 

JJ snorts out a laugh and says, “a boulder actually.” 

Abigail looks up from her phone briefly to make eye contact with him, smirks approvingly, and turns back to her phone. Kiara thinks briefly about what good friends she and Wheezie would be and wonders if she’ll regret introducing her to JJ. 

After that, the conversation goes smoothly. Aunt Charlotte brings them both glasses of wine that they gratefully accept. JJ answers all the questions about his job at the mechanic shop and listens pleasantly as Uncle Thomas explains why he should invest in Tesla. He’s more subdued than she’s ever seen him, only speaks when asked a direct question and she has to nudge him a few times to keep him from nodding off. It normally takes hours of nonstop physical exertion to get JJ that exhausted and he’d napped  _ twice  _ on the way here. 

Luckily, her mom of all people seems to notice. Turns to him and asks kindly, “JJ, are you still not feeling well?” 

Kiara gives her mom a grateful look and nudges JJ to let him know he’s being given an out. 

He gives her an understanding look and shakes his head at her mother. “Not really, no.” 

“You can go lie down if you want, there’s Motrin in the cabinet if you need, dinners not for an hour.” 

  
“Is that okay?” JJ asks like he feels guilty for leaving. 

Anna shakes her head. “Of course, it’s not a problem at all.” 

The relief is evident in his voice as he says, “thank you.” 

Her mom smiles at him. “No problem.” 

“Don't be too long Kie,” Abigail adds, loud enough for only her and JJ to hear, “wouldn’t want anyone to get suspicious.” She finally looks up from her phone, eyebrows raised and eyes accusatory, a mischievous smile tugging at the corner of her lips like she can’t contain how much she’s enjoying this. 

JJ laughs. Kiara glares at her. Says “brat,” at the same time JJ says, “I like that kid” 

Abigail grins at JJ and Kiara groans. Drags JJ away by the hand. “C’mon. You’re not allowed to socialize with the teenagers.” 

“Why not? She’s a hell of a lot more fun than her dad and brother. Stocks and business shit,” JJ says as they walk into the guest room. Turns around to face her, his signature shit-eating grin on his face, walks backward with his arms open. Says, “and I think she had the right idea too.” 

Kiara rolls her eyes but she’s smiling anyway, gives him a light push on the chest and he collapses dramatically onto the bed. 

Sits up and bounces on the mattress. “Oh, dude, this shits soft as fuck! What is it, goose feathers or some kook shit?” 

His blue eyes are alight with a childlike wonder that, despite it all, he’s never lost. She prays to a God she’s not even sure she believes in that he never does. She smiles softly at him.“I can assure you, no geese were harmed in the making of these beds. It’s memory foam.” 

He nods understandingly. Says, “oh.” and flops back down on the bed. “I’m dead inside.” 

Kiara smirks at his dramatics. Sits down on the bed beside him. “Yeah, you looked pretty pooped.” Then gently tries, “panic attacks will do that to you though.”

JJ turns to face her, eyes squinted like he’s sizing her up. Eventually turns back to face the ceiling, matter of factly says, “I don’t like elevators.” 

She chuckles lightly. “Yeah, I gathered that.” Then, a softer, more serious tone, “JJ, we’re in New York City, we can’t always just take the stairs. I need to know what's going on and how to help. Make this easier for both of us.” 

JJ sighs, throws his arms over his face. “You know when I said  _ later,  _ I meant like twenty years from never.” 

“You’re such a drama queen,” she says affectionately. “Look, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, I get it.” 

He frowns at that, rolls onto his stomach, and tucks his chin under his hands with a look that says he expects her to elaborate. Kiara sighs, she saw this coming as soon as she figured out what was going on in that elevator. Knew that if she wanted him to open up she would have to do the same, but it’s still daunting. She hasn’t talked about this outside of a therapy session before but if the timing would ever be right, this is it. 

She shifts on the bed, crosses her legs, and picks at her bracelets as she starts slowly. “So, you remember um my first couple months at the Kook Academy um… weren’t really great.”

JJ nods, says softly, “Yeah, I remember.” 

“So, uh, I guess that's where it  _ really  _ started. Until then, you guys had sort of been my safety blanket, in a sense. I mean, you get it, when  _ people  _ sort of make you feel safer? Make your mind a little quieter?” 

He nods again, a soft look on his face. “I know what you mean.” 

“Yeah, so moving to the Kook Academy and not having that was really  _ hard _ for a while and the kids weren’t great. My parents were about to do something when I met Sarah.” Kiara shifts in her seat, pulls her knees up to her chest, looks at the wall instead of JJ. “And then she became my new safe place and things were better… for a while. I think that’s why I ended up ditching you guys. I was  _ so  _ desperate not to lose her, not to lose that sense of safety. Well, that and…  _ other _ things.” She looks down at her knees to avoid JJ’s now heavy gaze, thinks about the awakening that was  _ Sarah Cameron _ and the hurt in the boy's eyes when she’d picked her over them. 

“Hey.” JJ sits up with his legs crossed, leans closer to her, his voice serious but gentle. “Hey, look at me.” 

She slowly lifts her head up to meet his gaze, blue eyes somehow soft and intense at the same time. “You don’t have to keep apologizing for that. We were kids and it was forever ago. And I mean, I get it. You did what you had to.” 

She doesn’t know how relieved she is to hear him say that. She’s known for years that the boys – that  _ JJ –  _ had forgiven her for abandoning them for that one year but sometimes, even after everything they went through together, there’s a small voice in her head that says she’ll never really be one of them the way she was before her Kook year. That something was broken then that no amount of forgiveness can fix. 

She smiles, says, “thanks, Jay,” and reaches out to squeeze his hand appreciatively because she knows that actions mean more to him than words. He squeezes back and she lets go, afraid to hold the intimacy for too long. 

“Anyway, you know what happened with Sarah. If things were bad before, after that – well kids can be cruel. Hell, _people_ can be cruel. You know that better than anyone. Not that they the situations are at all comparable I’m just--” 

  
“S’okay, Kie. I know what you meant.” 

“Right,” she says awkwardly, anxiously twirls a curl of hair between her fingers, and tries to come up with the words. “The first time I got one, this girl from the Academy pulled some... stupid stunt in the cafeteria. It was dumb, really, but everyone was laughing and the whole school hated me and I’d fucked shit up with you guys and I felt so _alone_ and it was just– ” Kiara’s voice breaks a little and she finds herself wiping a tear off her cheek. She wasn’t expecting this to be easy but  _ damn,  _ she hates talking about her feelings, hates going back to that place. 

JJ scoots closer to her, takes her hand where it’s resting on her knees, and squeezes it encouragingly. She squeezes back, unsurprised by how comforting it is. His hand is incredibly warm compared to her cold one, rough and calloused where hers is soft. There’s a strength to JJ that extends beyond his muscle tone. Kiara’s well aware that she barely even knows the half of what he went through, but she knows it was hell and she knows he’s still here. Smiling and joyful and caring despite it all. It’s silly, but having her hand in his makes her feel stronger, like by holding her hand he’s somehow shared some of that strength with her. Whatever it maybe be, it gives her the support she needs to keep talking. 

“So, anyway I, uh, I ran to the bathroom crying and realized I could  _ not  _ breathe. I thought I was dying. So I called my mom. She picked me up and we had a” Kiara lets out a halfhearted laugh, “ _ talk _ . Long story short, I got a therapist. It helped. It really did. Having someone to talk to. She helped me apologize to you guys. And most importantly… she gave me anxiety meds. Helps manage the attacks and stuff.” 

JJ squeezes her hand again and lets go, raises his eyebrows. “Do you have some on you?” 

She scoffs at him, but relaxes at the end of the tension. “No, JJ, I am  _ not  _ going to give you unprescribed medication. I will not be responsible for your drug addiction.”

He leans back on his hands, pouts at her, blonde hair falling adorably into his forehead. “Aww, you’re no fun. I’d make a great drug addict.” 

Kiara rolls her eyes. “My  _ point _ is that I get it. I know it’s embarrassing but it shouldn’t have to be. I would never judge you for that.” 

JJ smiles softly at her. “I know Kie. And I-,” he pulls his eyes away from her and starts playing with rings on her fingers, doesn’t look at her as he says, “I’m sorry I didn’t know about all that stuff during high school.” 

Kiara just shrugs. “I’m sorry I didn’t know about your dad. We all had our secrets, there was a lot of stuff we didn’t know about each other back then.” 

“Yeah,” JJ says with a laugh, smiles, remembering, “God, we were a hot mess.” 

Kiara smiles back. “Still are.” 

“You kidding?” JJ scoffs. “We definitely got hotter.” 

She fixes him with a glare but there’s no heat to it. “Not what I meant, but you’re not wrong. C’mon, I told you mine now, it’s your turn,” she punches him lightly on the shoulder, “what’s your damage, Heather?” 

He scoffs and grumbles a bit, flops down on his back, and crosses his arms under his head, eyes trained on the ceiling. “I have um... I dunno.. there’s a word for it. Small spaces freak me out and shit.” 

“Claustrophobia?” She suggests gently. 

JJ nods, snaps a finger gun at her. “Yeah, yeah that. And I’m normally okay like I handled it on the plane. Just have to focus on something grounding, take some deep breaths and I’m good to go. But there were so many people in the elevator and we got seperated and I just...” he trails off, shakes his head, “well, you saw it.” 

“I wish you told me,” she says quietly. “I mean, I get why you didn’t but I could have helped.” 

“I know,” he says quietly, like a guilty child that didn’t tell their parents about a bad grade. 

She reaches over to pat his leg, wants him to know she’s not upset with him. 

“When did it start?” Kiara asks, knowing she’s pushing her luck, but curiosity overcomes her. She wonders briefly whether she’s more curious about  _ this  _ or if she just wants to know whether or not he’ll open up to her. To her surprise, he does. 

“I was probably about eight.” 

“All through high school then?” She asks, wondering how there were so many things about him she hadn’t noticed when they were kids. 

  
JJ laughs humorlessly. “Well, I was high for most of high school, but yeah.” 

“Was it because of your dad?” 

He freezes for a moment and Kiara immediately regrets asking, guilt rushing through as she realizes she’s finally asked too much of him. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have– ” 

  
“No,” he cuts her off softly, “no, you’re right. It’s because of my dad.” The quiet resignation in his voice makes her chest ache. 

She says, “I’m sorry,” because she asked but now that he responded, she’s suddenly not sure what else to say. 

“S’ not your fault.” 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Kiara asks gently, knowing the answer will be no. 

  
He catches her off guard with a stiff laugh. “Would you want to hear about it?” 

  
Kiara frowns at that. A heavy silence washes over them as she tries to find the words to respond to that. Considers the question, _does_ she _want_ to hear about it? Honestly probably not. Just thinking about the things he’s had to put up with makes her chest heavy and stomach queasy, even more than that though it makes her so fucking furious she wants to punch something. It’s about more than the awfulness of the situation, it’s the fact it’s _JJ,_ and the thought of someone hurting him like that makes her both sick and enraged. What she knows she _does_ want to do is be the person he turns to when he finally feels like getting the horrors of his life off his chest. Wants to be the person to hold him when he's at his most vulnerable and wouldn’t trust anyone else. It terrifies her sometimes. The depth of her little “crush.” 

Eventually she says “I mean, it’s upsetting shit to hear about, I’m not gonna lie, but you don’t need to protect me from your childhood. I can handle it. You’ve always been there for me. I’d be more than happy to return the favor.” 

He turns to face her, an amused smile on his lips, but a gentle affection in his eyes. Sits up and puts his hands up in the air. “Trust me, Kie, I would never doubt your strength, but just because you  _ can  _ handle something doesn’t mean you should ever have to.” 

She opens her mouth to argue but JJ continues before she can. “Besides, even if I did want to talk about it, I don’t think I’d know how.” He adds, “Thanks though, I guess,” as a bit of an afterthought.

Kiara decides against trying to argue with him instead tries, “have you ever thought about talking to someone… professional?” 

“Kie–,” he warns, and she knows she’s treading on dangerous territory. The Heywards forced him to go to therapy after he moved in with them and it … did not go as well as planned. “At least to get some anxiety meds?” 

“Can’t I just borrow yours?” 

Kiara shakes her head. “Yeah, not how that works. Just promise me you’ll think about it?” Adds, “Please? For me?” with a pout. 

He grumbles but agrees. It’s not much, but Kiara will take it as a win. Changes the subject. “So, we can maybe take the stairs halfway next time? Make sure to get an elevator with less people.” 

JJ nods. “Yeah, that’d be nice.” 

“Kay.” She pats his knee as she sits up. “I better get back to socializing. Before  _ Abigail  _ gets any ideas.” 

JJ smirks. “Well, we wouldn’t want that.” 

“You know you still don’t have to come to dinner if you don’t feel up to it.” 

JJ shakes his head adamantly. “Nah, a little power nap, and I’m good to go. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” 

  
She smiles at him. “Right. Cool.” 

JJ offers her a vaguely awkward salute and rolls back onto his stomach, sprawled like a starfish. 

Kiara laughs and goes to walk the family room, pausing out the door. 

“Hey, JJ?” 

He groans and rolls back over, facing her, propped up by his elbows. “What's up?” 

  
“Nothing. Just– thank you. For doing this. It means a lot to me that you're here.” 

JJ gives a soft, somewhat dopey grin. “Course, Kie.  _ You _ mean a lot to me.” 

He says it so casually, like a passing statemnent, a simple fact and not something that sets loose a pack of furious,  _ stupid  _ buterrflies in her stomach. She stumbles for a minute on how to respond to that, settles for awkwardly saying, “Um, thanks. You too… bro,” clears her throat, looks down to avoid JJ’s amused gaze. Says “I should go,” and power walks away from that room. 

It’s moments like those where Kiara’s convinced there must be something there. This whole situation would be so much easier if JJ wasn’t so damn confusing. He goes along with a ridiculous plot to be her fake boyfriend all because she said _ please _ and everyone once in a while he says things like  _ that.  _ And yet he pulled away when she’d kissed him and gone and gotten himself a girlfriend a few weeks later. A sensible part of her tells her to just  _ ask him.  _ But it’s like pulling teeth to get JJ to have a vulnerable conversation and truthfully, she’s not a big fan of it either. Besides, it had only been about a month since he broke up with Amber and he has enough to deal with without her dropping a bomb like that on him. 

So, Kiara takes a seat on the couch next to Abigail and resolves once again to let go of her stupid crush. She’s already shot her shot and he’d turned her down. It was as simple as that. Time to move on. He’s still her best friend. She thinks of how surprisingly easy it was to open up to him. How he’d made her feel stronger with just a simple touch. She’d rather pine in silence forever than ever lose that. 

“You have fun?” Abigail asks bluntly, eyes glued to her phone as Kiara sits down beside her. 

“Nothing happened,” Kiara responds with an eye roll. 

“Whatever you say. I like him. He gives me good vibes.” 

“Great, thanks. I really needed your validation.” 

Abigail shrugs. “You’re welcome.” 

Kiara sighs and silently curses Sarah fucking Cameron and her dumbass ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I cannot believe this got so long and I'm only on the second chapter ajsdjsdhjd. I actually had to break this chapter and the next one into two sooo uh yeah this is gonna be quite long. This is a "Christmas fic" that I'll be lucky to finish by January aoifjfsjdf. Also this pretty much takes place in like under a week asjhdhfiuef send help. Anyway a big thank you to YellowLabratory for your general excitement and addition of much-needed commas. The next chapter will be significantly less angsty but I make no promises that there will be zero angst. So sorry. I don't know why I'm like this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings this time! Enjoy this (mostly :) soft and fluffy chapter!

_I wonder when I cry into my hands_

_I'm conditioned to feel like it makes me less of a man_

_And I wonder if someday you'll be by my side_

_And tell me that the world will end up alright_

_I wonder_

_I wonder_

_Right before I close my eyes_

_The only thing that's on my mind_

_Been dreamin' that you feel it too_

####  _I wonder what it's like to be loved by you_

Kiara sneaks back into JJ’s room about forty minutes later and finds him curled up around one of the pillows like a little kid with a teddy bear. She smiles a little as she sits down beside him and his eyes immediately start to open at the shift in weight on the bed. 

She says, “hey,” and pushes lightly at his shoulder.

He groans and starts to push himself into a sitting position. Says, “I’m up, I’m up,” and wipes some sleep out of his eyes. 

“You sure you wanna do this? Because we could always just– ”

  
He stops her there. “Hey, hey, I am _down_. One fake boyfriend comin up.” 

Kiara sighs. “Alright, then I would just like to apologize in advance for everything and anything my family says.” 

He laughs dryly. “Right. Thanks.” 

She points to a bag of clothes she laid on the bed. “Aunt Charlotte picked out some stuff for you, said to call it an early Christmas present, and not get all prideful about the cost or whatever. Don’t worry, she did it to me too.” 

JJ lets out a resigned sigh. “Guess if I’m gonna be a Kook’s boyfriend, I gotta play the part.” 

“Hey!” She snaps, “Who are you callin Kook?” 

“Uhh, your whole fuckin family?” 

Kiara shrugs in agreement. “Touche.” 

JJ leans over to glance at the clothes lying on the bed. “Wait, okay, _where_ are we eating?” 

Kiara smirks at him, half amused, half apologetic. “ _We_ are meeting my grandparents at Jean-Gorges.” 

“That’s very French,” he says, wrinkling his nose. 

“Yes, and very Kooky. Then, we are going to see the Christmas Spectacular but after that, we can finally come back here and go to bed for real.” 

JJ frowns at her.“Wait– the Christmas what now?” 

“Spectacular? The Rockettes?” 

The confused look on his face doesn’t change and Kiara sighs. “Tall, hot chicks that do the kickline?” 

Realization dawns on his face and he nods. “Ohh. Yeah, I know them.” 

“You’re hopeless.” 

He shrugs and flashes her an innocent grin.

Kiara rolls her eyes and gets up off the bed. “Just put that outfit on. I have to go change.” 

***

The outfit Charlotte had picked out for him consists of black slacks, a striped light blue and white button-down, a black blazer, some dress shoes that are uncomfortable as fuck and a stupid ass maroon tie. It takes about ten minutes of struggling before JJ finally swallows his pride and goes to ask Kiara to tie it for him. It’s really not _his_ fault he’s never been anywhere fancy enough that he’d need one and tying it a sailor's knot did not seem to work. 

Leaving his room, he realizes he has absolutely zero clues where anything is in this giant-ass apartment and any number of rooms could be Kiara’s. Abigail walks out of the room across from him at around the same time, takes one look at him, and says, “her rooms the second door to left.” 

“Thanks,” JJ responds with a grin. “You’re a lifesaver, kid.” 

Abigail shrugs, says, “no problem,” and proceeds down the hall. 

JJ follows her instructions and smiles because he can hear Kiara’s voice singing along to Bob Marley’s _Is This Love._ He stands there listening in a totally not creepy way, waiting for Kiara to finish her verse before knocking on the door. 

He laughs as he hears her scrambling to shut off the speaker and get to the door. She opens it slowly at first, relaxes when she sees that it’s him and lets the door swing open. 

“What’s up?” 

Her black hair is straightened from brushing and flows around her in an ebony-colored wave. She’s wearing a pair of silky maroon waist-high dress pants and a black top that sparkles in the right light. It clings to her chest and then hangs down lazily over her midsection in a way that’s somehow sexy and classy at the same time. The short sleeves leave her long arms bare and silky from lotion, the smell of coconut and lavender perfume waft over to him and he doesn't even notice that he’s staring until Kiara clears her throat. 

“You did come here for _something_ right?” she asks, playful and cocky, a grin tugging at her lips but he can also see the blush creeping along her cheeks as well. 

  
“Uh.. I, um..” JJ's mind feels completely blank as tries desperately to think of what he was coming here for and when it finally hits him he blurts out, “My mom never taught me how to tie a tie,” and inwardly cringes because _yeah_ the mom thing was _definitely_ not necessary. 

Kiara looks a little taken aback but she says, “um, yeah, sure. I can help,” instead of teasing him for checking her out and getting all tongue-tied like some love-struck idiot. It might be because he mentioned his mom or because of the whole _elevator_ thing and, as much as he hates the idea of her treating him like glass, at this moment he’s extremely grateful. 

She steps aside and nods for him to come in and JJ does. Feels the need to cover for his stumbling earlier on and lets out a whistle, says, “damn Kie you coulda given a guy some warning if you were gonna wear something this hot to Grandma’s dinner.” 

Kiara just rolls her eyes and swats at his chest. Scoffs and says, “you can’t even see my boobs.” 

JJ frowns at her. In that moment, he desperately wishes he really _was_ her boyfriend so that he could tell her that she’s doesn’t need her boobs to be showing to be sexy as fuck. That, honestly, she could be wearing a potato sack and he’d still think she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. But he’s not. He’s her characteristically flirtatious best friend and current _fake_ boyfriend, so instead, he wracks his brain for a way to say that without actually saying it in a way that won’t sound ridiculous coming out of his mouth. 

Eventually, he cocks an eyebrow and says, “are you insinuating that I’m only hot when I take my shirt off?” 

She gives him a soft, sort of confused look that he can’t quite discern the meaning of and silently hopes she gets what he was trying to say. 

“I wasn’t _insinuating_ that you’re hot at all.” 

JJ laughs at that because, if there’s one thing he knows very well about himself, it’s that he’s a walking thirst trap for just about anyone attracted to males. It’s not even that he knows it in a cocky-full of himself way, it’s just a fact. Something that honestly made him a little uncomfortable when he was thirteen people's eyes started to wander from his face whenever he took his shirt off. But he grew into it, accepted it, and learned that it actually comes in handy more often than not. Attention is attention. 

So, he smiles cockily at Kiara and says, “now, we both know that’s a lie.” Then, “you look good though, Kie. Seriously.”

She smiles warmly at him. “Thanks. You don’t clean up too bad yourself.” 

“ _I_ look like a Ken doll.” 

“You always look like a Ken doll.”

  
“Ex-fucking-cuse you?” 

  
“You just normally look like _Surfer!Ken_ and now you look like _Business!Ken.”_

“Fuck you.” 

Kiara laughs and shrugs. “It’s not my fault you’re the perfect Aryan. Now, don’t have a tie you need me to get?” 

“Oh, yeah. Here.” He hands her the tie and she laughs, holding it up to her pants. 

“It fucking matches. Of course, she got you a matching tie.” Kiara sighs and rolls her eyes, beckons him to come closer so she can throw the tie around his neck. JJ tries not to think about the way her hands' ghost over his collarbone as she adjusts the fabric. “My grandmother _insisted_ that I learn because I will have a boyfriend _someday_ and apparently it makes more sense to teach girls how to do things for boys than to just teach boys in the first place.” JJ frowns a little and she pauses, adds, “okay, well, _you_ have an excuse. But I’m only doing this once, so pay attention.” 

JJ nods adamantly as she takes it in her hand again and crosses it over. “My mom even taught me this rhyming thing, it’s kinda dumb but it works. Big over little. Over again. Up the chimney. Down the drain.” She pulls it tight as she finishes, “That good?”

He nods, but his attention is more focused on her hands resting on the collar of his shirt than the tie around his neck. And it’s not like he’s not accustomed to being in close proximity to Kiara, she was holding his face only a little over an hour ago. But this feels different. Now she’s staring up at him with a look that isn’t empathy or concern, she’s clearly just finished her makeup, simple for her grandparents but still highlighting everything that’s naturally there. All he can think about is how easily he could ruin it, the space between them could be so easily broken and his whole body hums in anticipation, in _memory_. But in that moment his brain chooses to remind him that however sweet that memory is, it’s followed by waking up alone. 

JJ pulls away. Clears his throat and rubs the back of his neck. “Um, thanks.” 

For a split second, he thinks she looks almost disappointed, but she covers it quickly. “No problem.” Then raises a finger at him, “but don’t get used to it. I’m not your housewife.” 

He laughs and throws his hands up in surrender. “Noted.” He raises his arms out beside him and grins. “Well, how do I look? Kooky enough for the grandparents?” 

Kiara folds her arms across her chest and looks him over, eyes calculating. “No, we have got to do something with your hair.” 

JJ frowns, reaches up to pull at the blond strands. Says, “what's wrong with my hair?” in a small, pouty voice. 

She doesn’t respond, already halfway into the bathroom. Comes out with two spray bottles and a hairbrush. 

“Hey, no,” he says sternly, holding a hand out in front of him like he could ward her away. 

“Oh, quit being dramatic, get over here.” 

“You dress me up like a Kook and now you wanna fuck with my hair? Thanks, but no thanks.” 

Kiara just rolls her eyes and sets the stuff on the bed. “Fine, if you're gonna be such a _baby_ about it.” 

“Really?” He asks, lowering his arm but looking at her suspiciously. 

Kiara raises her eyebrows and reaches over to grab the collar of his shirt, tugging him closer to her. “Nope.” 

They’re standing close again, but this time he’s the only one who seems to be having a moment. He tugs against her grip in a half-hearted attempt at escape but she tightens her fist around his shirt and reaches down to grab the spray bottle. Says, “standstill,” and proceeds to spray down his hair with water. 

She’s not really holding him there. If he really wanted he could easily overpower her and break away. She knows this. But he doesn’t do that. He lets her hold his shirt like she’s in control, stands still, and pouts as she wets his hair. Has to bite his lip when she starts to brush it because he doesn’t brush his hair a lot and _fuck,_ it actually feels really good. 

Kiara sets the brush back down and picks up the other spray bottle. Let's go of his collar to press the side of her hand to his forehead. Says, “you don’t want this shit in your eyes,” as an explanation but refuses to make eye contact with him. 

JJ’s mind buzzes with curiosity because by all rights, it would have made more sense for her to have just asked him to close his eyes and avoided touching him. Thinking about it now, he could have just as easily googled how to tie a tie. For whatever reason, the thought never crossed his mind. 

He wonders vaguely about what would happen if he kissed her right now. If maybe he’d missed his chance earlier. He shakes the thought of his head. If she actually wanted to _be_ with him, she wouldn’t have asked him to be her _fake_ boyfriend. Kiara’s not the type to come up with some elaborate plot or to wait on him to make a move. She goes for what she wants and he’s not it. Not in the way he wants her to want him, at least. 

“There we go,” Kiara says, stepping away from him. 

JJ turns to look in the long mirror she has stood up in her room. 

“I _think_ … that you somehow managed to make me look _even_ more like a Ken Doll than before.” 

Kiara giggles. “You really do. Grammy'll love it.”

JJ rolls his eyes. “As long as Grammy’s happy.” 

He proceeds to shamelessly check himself out in the mirror as Kiara puts on a silky maroon jacket that matches her pants and pulls her hair into a low bun. 

“At least I’m a sexy Ken Doll,” JJ mutters as Kiara stands beside him. Turning from side to side, he can see her sizing herself up in the mirror and slings an arm around her, says, “damn Kie, we’re hot.” 

She sighs and rolls her eyes, but JJ can see a small smile pulling at her lips. She bumps him lightly with her shoulder and pushes his arm off, says, “you’re conceited,” and sits down on the bed to put on her black boots. 

JJ smirks and leans against the wall. Says, “nah, just statin’ facts,” with a shrug, walks over to the bed, and offers her a hand. The heels make her just barely his height. It doesn’t bother him. Honestly, it’s kinda hot. 

“You ready for this, babe?” He asks, playfully. 

Kiara glares at him but there’s no real heat to it. Says in a monotone, “you call me babe one more time and I will cut off your ball in your sleep.” 

  
“Damn, Kie, you that desperate to see my balls?” 

He intentionally leaves out _again_ and she opens her mouth to say something and then decides against it. Instead says, “you’re an ass.” 

“ _I’m_ an ass? You just threatened to assault me in my sleep.” 

This time all she does is glare at him and he tilts his head, smiles, and says more seriously, “relax, Kie. It’ll be fine. I promise I won’t have another mental breakdown or be an ass in front of your family.” 

Kiara frowns at him and shakes her head. “No, no, I’m not– it’s not _you_ being an ass that I’m worried about.” 

He takes her hand. “Well, _fake_ girlfriend. Whatever your grandparents might have to say about me, I’m sure I’ve heard worse. I can take it. And if they have any shit to say about you than they’re just wrong, because you’re fucking awesome.” 

She squeezes his hand back and smiles appreciatively at him. Says, “thanks, Jay. You ready to do this for real?” 

  
JJ grins. “Anything for you, babe.” 

Kiara lets go of his hand, starts for the door. “That’s it. You’re getting surgery tonight.” 

He laughs, follows her out the door. “Aww Kie, I take it back!” 

  
She turns around and smiles playfully at him, “too late.” 

***

Now that check-in time has passed the elevators are less crowded, but JJ and Kiara head out a little early just in case. They hop on one with only about three people and this time Kiara holds his hand tightly like she’s afraid he’s going to drift away. They stand close to the doors for what little comfort it provides and Kiara stands as close to him as is physically possible, their hands intertwined. She talks casually the whole time, about the first time her dad took her surfing and one of the ragers she went to college. JJ focuses on her voice, puts all his attention into listening and absorbing what she says, reminds himself of the smell of her perfume and the feeling of her hand in his when his mind threatens to run away with him. 

They made it to the bottom without incident but it felt like one of the longest sixty seconds of his life. Kiara wraps an arm around his middle when they step out, presses against him in a side hug. He returns the gesture, wrapping his own arm around her waist and leaning into her. 

“You okay?” She asks, when they pull away, big brown eyes overflowing with concern and searching his face for any signs of distress. 

He offers her a forced smile. “I’m okay. Is there a water fountain somewhere in this joint?” 

Kiara nods and points down the hall. When JJ gets back, the rest of Kiara's family has joined her. He waves to them in greeting and takes his place by Kiara’s side. She tugs him through the spinny door to make sure he doesn’t get the chance to spin all the way through. Not that he would, with her whole family there, but the temptation is definitely strong. 

JJ has to stifle a gasp as he steps out to New York City in the nighttime. If it was breathtaking before, he’s not sure what it is now. Somehow it feels like the energy has been amped up from when he was last standing in this spot. The lights from windows shine against the dark backdrop of concrete, but when he looks up, he can’t see any stars. 

“Sucks doesn’t it,” Kiara says and he looks down to see her also staring at the blank sky. “That you can’t see the stars. They’re so beautiful at home.” 

“Yeah,” he responds softly, his gaze never lifting, “they are.” 

*** 

The restaurant is so Kooky that it makes JJ want to throw up in his mouth. He once again gets the nagging feeling that he should be working here instead of eating here. Kiara takes his hand and offers him a reassuring smile. He returns it but can’t help but wonder what the _fuck_ he got himself into. 

Kiara’s grandparents are already waiting at the table when they get there. The man's hair is graying and his eyes are kind but stern, reminds him of Anna. Her grandmother, on the other hand, has dark brown hair that has _definitely_ been dyed and is tied up in a tight bun. He doesn’t see the same kindness in her eyes that he did her husbands. They stand up to greet their family and JJ stands behind Kiara in a way that totally doesn’t equate to hiding. 

“You look lovely, Kiara,” her grandmother says, kissing her cheeks in that Kooky French way people do. 

“Thank you, Grandmother,” Kiara responds with feigned politeness. 

“But I _do_ miss the days when women wore dresses to dinner.” 

Kiara forces a smile, passive-aggressively says, “I don’t.” 

_Damn. This is off to a great start._

Her grandmother just brushes her off. “Oh, of course, you don’t, darling. This must be the young man I’ve heard so little about.” 

“Yes,” Kiara says with a smile, leaning against him, “Grandmother this is my boyfriend, JJ.” 

JJ shakes her hand. “Pleasure to meet you, Ma’am.” 

She smiles at him but pulls her hand away quickly. Says, “please, call me Julianne.” 

JJ has no intention of ever calling her Julianne. 

“So, JJ, that must stand for something, no?”

“Grandmother-” Kiara warns. 

Julianne waves a dismissive hand at her. “It’s a simple question, dear.” 

“Jonathan James,” JJ responds reluctantly, his full names sounding foreign on his own tongue. He hasn’t been called _John_ or _Johnny_ since his mom left. 

Kiara’s grandmother smiles. “See, I knew there had to be a strong name behind that foolishness. Very nice to meet you, Jonathan.” 

JJ smiles at her and nods. Kiara squeezes his hand. Whispers, “I am so sorry,” as her grandmother walks away. 

“She seems like a load of fun,” he whispers back. 

“Don’t mind her, son,” Kiara's grandfather says, shaking his hand. “We just want the best for our granddaughter, that’s all.” 

JJ smiles back. “She deserves it.” 

“That she does.” 

They sit down with JJ between Kiara and Abigail, who’s on her phone under the table, an amused grin on her face. 

“You talkin to a boy?” He asks, raising his eyebrows suggestively. He figures he should make some attempt at socializing and the teenager is by far the least intimidating. 

She looks up and glares at him, says, “ _no,_ ” like he’s just asked her if two plus four equals five. “I told my best friend I’d keep her updated on how dinner goes.” 

JJ frowns in confusion. “Why does your best friend care about dinner with your grandparents?” 

Abigail huffs out a laugh. “Because my rebellious cousin brought her brand new boyfriend from the wrong side of the tracks, this is going to be the most entertaining dinner we’ve ever had. These things are usually boring af.” 

JJ opens his mouth to respond to that and then can’t find the words. Frowns and says, “wait, how do you know I’m from the _wrong side of the tracks?”_

_“_ Aunt Charlotte filled me in. _God,_ this is gonna be so fun.” 

“Great. That makes me feel much better,” JJ mutters. 

Abigail shrugs. “If you’re looking to run, now's the time.” 

He’s about to respond when a voice from across the table says, “so, Jonathan.” 

JJ doesn’t even recognize that he’s being addressed until Abigail nods to where her grandmother is sitting. Says, “that’s you. Guess it’s too late to run now.” 

He sticks his tongue out at her and she laughs before he turns his attention to Kiara’s grandmother with a pleasant smile he reserves for serving Kooks. At least Kiara’s teenage cousin likes him. That has to count for something. 

“What’s your family doing for Christmas?” She asks pleasantly and JJ’s stomach twists. Jumping right into it then. 

***

Kiara was expecting her grandmother to be awful, but about five minutes into dinner she’s already asking the worst possible questions. No meaningless small talk just _straight for the throat._

She searches his face for any signs of distress but he just smiles and takes her hand. Says, “as far as I’m concerned, Kiara _is_ my family.” 

Kiara practically beams at him, a combination of relief at how well he handled the question, butterflies at the conviction in his voice, and play-acting. She reminds herself that she’s a Pogue and the Pogues are his family, so of course, he would consider her to be his family. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, your parents passed then?” Her grandmother asks, not because she can’t sense that there’s a sore spot there, but because she can. 

“As far as I’m concerned, they might as well be,” JJ responds without missing a beat. 

Her voice is filled with feigned empathy as she says, “I’m very sorry to hear that, I couldn’t imagine being estranged from my children.” 

“Yeah, well some people aren’t cut out to be parents, I guess.” Her grandmother looks like she means to say something but JJ continues before she can. “Look if you really want to know, my mother ran out when I was eight and I–” he pauses, takes a breath, and swallows, “am ashamed to be my father’s son.” 

Kiara can hear how the last few words burn coming out of his throat. Squeezes his hand in a vague attempt at comfort, maybe an apology. 

Her grandmother looks at him thoughtfully then says, “Yes, I knew you looked familiar. You’re Caroline's son.” 

JJ’s eyes go wide at that, then he’s nodding slowly. “That would be me.” 

“She was my maid for a few years. Lovely girl. You look just like her.” 

“So I’ve been told,” JJ responds in a strained voice, gripping her hand like it’s a lifeline. 

Kiara glares daggers at grandmother but goes completely ignored. She opens her mouth to tell her off but JJ beats her to it. 

“Look, I don’t know about anyone else but personally, I find my whole tragic backstory doesn’t make for good dinner conversation, kinda kills the vibe. So, did you know that I’ve had a crush on Kiara since fifth grade? Oh yeah…” 

He launches into the story of how they met, formed the Pogues, and comes up with a whole story about how they got together on the spot. It has the desired effect, her grandmother is forced to keep her mouth shut as he barely lets her get a word in edgewise as he carries on with story after story (most of which he edited to be family-friendly). Her grandmother seems to be the only one upset about it though, the rest of her family laughs along and adds their own stories here and there. It actually goes _well._ Shockingly well. Like her whole family actually seems to _like_ him well. Well with the exception of her grandmother.

When her uncle rambles on about stocks and the market for too long JJ whispers a mocking contemporary in her ear that makes her burst into giggles every time. It ends up being what's probably the most _fun_ family dinner they’ve ever had. Kiara can’t help but feel a small ache in her chest as she laughs along, knowing that it’s all a charade, that it’ll all be over by the weekend. She pushes those thoughts out of her mind and lets herself enjoy the moment, quiets the part of her brain that desperately wishes it was all real. 

They’re already buzzed from drinks at the restaurant, and then Kiara insists that they get drinks from Radio City Musical Hall, so they end up just a _tad_ tipsy during the show. JJ’s mesmerized by some parts, and then clearly bored by others. Not so quietly whispering things in her ear like, “I think _you_ should have been a Rockette.” 

Kiara smiles back at his dopey grin. “Aww, thanks bro,” she bops him on the nose, “you too!” 

He nods, pleased with himself. “I totally have the legs for it.” 

For whatever reason, it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard and they both burst into giggles, only to be hushed by an usher. Anna threatens to separate them like they’re misbehaving children on a field trip. 

She supposes that isn’t too far off. 

They sing obnoxiously to Mariah Carey on the way home and her mom takes a video that _hopefully_ will never see the light of day. They’re both physically and mentally exhausted by the time they get home. Kiara only gives him a vague salute of acknowledgment as she heads to her room, feeling vaguely like a zombie. 

“Hey Kie,” he stops her before she can walk away. Kiara turns back to face him. “Tonight was actually a lot of fun. Hell of a lot more fun than I would have had at home. Anyway, uh- I just- I’m glad I came.” 

Kiara smiles softly. “I’m glad you came, too.” 

  
He nods, shoves his hands in his pocket, his head down. Looks up and says awkwardly, bordering on sheepishly, “yeah, um, night,” 

She smiles again. “Night.” 

_Come sing me a slow_

_Keep me un alone_

_Until I go to sleep_

_Until I go to sleep_

_The faint smell of your clothes_

_Reminds me that I'm home_

####  _Sink me into sleep_

  
  


Kiara wakes up to someone gently pushing at her shoulder, “Kie, Kie wake up.” She vaguely registers the voice as JJ’s and rolls over, her face down in the pillow. 

  
“Five more minutes.” 

“It’s, uh, not morning yet.” 

Even half-asleep that catches her attention. “What’r you doin in my room in the middle of the night?” she mumbles, lifting her head up from her pillow. 

JJ’s sitting perched on his knees at the edge of the bottom of her bed, like he’s trying to be as far away from her as possible. He mutters, “um,” and reaches to scratch the back of his neck. 

Kiara sits up a little, leaning back on her elbows, tries to discern the look on his face but can’t make it out in the dark. So she gently asks, “Hey, you okay?” 

“Yeah, I just– um...” he drifts off into an uncomfortable silence, fiddling nervously with his rings.

  
“Is this a booty call?” She asks with a teasing grin, trying to lighten the mood and make him feel less on edge because all his nervous energy is making _her_ nervous. 

JJ huffs out a laugh, says, “are you offering?” But it falls a little flat. 

She lets him have it anyway, responds with “in your dreams, Maybank,” and nudges him with her foot under the covers. Immediately regrets it when he flinches. Kiara opens her mouth to say something but JJ speaks up before she can. 

“It’s just really loud,” a car horn blares aggressively as if to prove his point, “couldn’t fall asleep.” 

Kiara leans over the side of her bed and switches on the lamp that sits on her bedside table. JJ squints and turns away from the now bright light before turning back to her. For the first time, Kiara can see that his eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, and his hair looks disheveled like he’s been pulling at it. It’s obvious that whatever woke him was a lot more than just a car horn, but she’s not if she should call him out on it or pretend she believes him when they both know he’s lying. After finally figuring out just _how bad_ his life with his dad was in the summer of their junior year Kiara, had learned the hard way that her usual blunt, _tell it like it is_ attitude tends to make things worse when it comes to anything involving his dad. Makes him turtle up and go on the defensive.

So she nods understandingly and says, “okay,” then pauses, “do you wanna sleep in here tonight?” 

He looks around nervously, from her to his hands to the sides of the room then finally back to his hands, fiddling with his rings as he asks, “would that be okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” she gives him a reassuring smile and slides off the bed. 

“What’re you doing?” 

“Turning down the heat, you’re like a human radiator.” 

“Oh, I can just sleep on the couch-” 

“Why would you wake me up if you just wanted to sleep on the couch? Relax, it’s okay. I trust you not to grope me in the night.” 

JJ grins at her, finally seeming to loosen up. “How do I know you won’t grope _me_ in the night?” 

“You’re the one asking to sleep in my bed. Besides, you’d probably like it if I groped you in the night.” 

“Yeah, probably,” he says with a smile softer than it should be given their topic of conversation. 

Kiara flops back down on her bed and crawls under the covers, burying her face in the pillows. She feels JJ gingerly lay down beside her, staying as close to the edge of the other side of the bed as he can. 

“JJ?” 

“Mmm,” he responds, sounding half asleep. 

She shifts so that she’s lying on her side, head propped up by her elbow, asks softly, “Can you… can you tell me what really happened?” 

He sighs, rolling over to face her, studies her for a moment. Just when she starts to think his eyes have lingered on his lips for a little too long, he sighs and rolls back onto his back. 

“Sometimes I get these really shitty dreams and I wake up and it’s like– it’s like I can’t breathe. I start crying and sweating and shit and usually when it’s over, I’ll smoke to, ya know, chill out but I couldn't bring any on the plane and I guess I just…” he trails off, choking on his words a little. She can’t make out his face very well in the dark but she thinks he might have started to tear up. 

“Didn’t want to be alone?” she finishes for him. 

JJ finally turns his head to look at her, says, “yeah, yeah something like that.” 

Kiara wants to give him a hug, to wrap him in her arms and tell him that everything’s going to be okay, that he’s not alone. But with them both lying facing each other in bed, her braless under her pajama top and him not wearing a shirt, feels _too intimate,_ like crossing some sort of boundary. She settles for taking his hand, he squeezes back gratefully like she’s the only thing tethering him to the present. She realizes with a start that she probably is. 

“Was it another panic attack?” She tries gently. 

He nods, says, “yeah, yeah kinda like that,” and turns away from her again.

Kiara takes that as a sign that it’s the end of the conversation and decides not to push it. 

To her surprise, he continues without her prompting. 

“I used to get them a lot after,” he pauses, like he’s debating what to say next, ends up settling on, “after my mom left. I’d been doing better for a while, ya know, after high school. Moving out of my dad's. Then, uh..” 

“Amber?” Kiara finishes for him, not bothering to keep the bitterness out of her voice. 

“Amber.” He agrees with a sigh. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Would it matter if I said no?” 

“Are you saying no?” 

He sighs, turns back to face her. “Ah, what the hell. Hit me.” 

“What did you see in her?” 

  
A dark cloud passes over his face, the one he gets whenever someone brings up his dad, and Kiara wonders if she shouldn’t have asked. He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something then decides against it, rolls onto his back, staring at the ceiling. 

Kiara thinks that might be him choosing to not answer when he finally says, “I guess, she _understood_ me. In a way that no one, not even you guys ever had. In a way I hope you never will. But with her, it was like,” he pauses, keeping his eyes trained on the ceiling. Kiara can see the wheels turning in his head, trying to translate his emotions into words. She’s still holding his hand, giving it an encouraging squeeze. He glanced back at her at that, a look on his face she can’t discern. 

JJ looks back up at the ceiling, takes a deep breath and continues, “It was like.. I didn’t have to hide that part of myself from her because it was part of her too. You really only heard about the shitty parts, but there was some really good stuff too, especially in the beginning. And, _no,_ I do not just mean the sex. I _really_ thought we had something.” He lets out a small laugh, shakes his head. “But _I_ was an idiot and I got so caught up in the idea of _having something_ , by the time I saw the red flags … it was too late.” He scoffs. “Maybe I did see them. Maybe I just didn’t care.”

Kiara isn't sure how to respond to that, she once again has to hold herself back from wrapping her arms around him. Instead, she says the standard, “it wasn’t your fault,” because it’s true, then adds, “Amber’s just a bitch,” because she can’t help herself. 

JJ shakes his head softly at that. “I know you hate her _for_ me and I mean,” he glances back at and smiles almost shyly, “I appreciate it,” his face goes dark again and he lays back to face the ceiling, “but you don’t understand the way she grew up… it was even worse than mine.” He goes silent for a moment, stares at the ceiling searching for the right words. 

Kiara has to physically bite her tongue to hold back a comment about apologist bullshit and invalidating other people’s trauma. Even if his point of view is majorly fucked up, he’s actually _talking_ about it and she’s afraid to say anything too aggressively because the chances he’ll feel cornered and shut down are extremely high. So she sits in tense silence, waits patiently for him to continue. 

As if reading her thoughts he starts with, “and, no, before you say anything, I don’t mean it was a big _who has the most daddy issues_ competition but technically speaking, her’s was worse. I mean my dad hit me but he never… ” he shifts uncomfortably, doesn’t finish the sentence. Doesn’t have to. 

Kiara swallows and squeezes her eyes shut. Terrible situations make terrible people. _Sometimes._

JJ continues slowly, “I just – I knew what _some_ of what was going through. I thought I could help,” he shakes his head, a defeated tone in his voice, “I couldn’t.” 

He says _couldn’t_ but Kiara thinks he means _failed_. She gives his hand another squeeze. Says as gently as she can, “it’s awful, what happened to her, to both of you. But she was never going to let you save her, she was just going to drag you down with her, and you’ve worked way to fucking hard to let that happen.” 

JJ sighs. Runs a hand through his hair, quietly says, “I know. I just wish I could have.” 

Kiara hates herself for the pit of jealousy that forms in her stomach, at the way he talks about her. Like there’s a part of him that, despite everything, is still in love with her. She shoves the thought down because her stupid crush is _really_ not what’s important right now. 

Eventually, she softly says, “I know. And it sucks, but you did everything you could have. In the end, she was hurting you a lot more than you were helping her. A relationship should be 50/50, ya know? The other person should be treating you as well as you are them. Amber wasn’t doing that. You had to leave.” 

JJ swallows and sighs, she can feel the guilt radiating off him. It makes her furious. Not with him or even with Amber. She’s furious with the fucked up men who made them the way they are, then men who made Amber cruel and made JJ think it's okay to be treated like shit. Hell, maybe she’s furious with God or whatever high power allowed humans to be so evil. 

Her anger fades and softens when she looks back at JJ, his eyebrows are furrowed and his face is contorted like he’s reliving a bad memory. Kiara squeezes his hand again and he turns back to her, pulling out of whatever he was thinking. 

“You did the _right thing,_ JJ,” she says quietly, her voice gentle but strong. 

He hums, closes his eyes, and raises his eyebrows in what Kiara takes as a sad sort of agreement. He seems willing to let the conversation end there, doesn’t open his eyes again, but something still doesn’t sit right with her. 

“You’re a really great guy, you know that?”

JJ turns his head to meet her eyes, cocks an eyebrow, says, “oh now, don’t get all emotional on me, Kie.” 

Kiara scoffs out a laugh. “Oh, so sorry for interrupting that very closed off conversation that had nothing to do with your feelings.” 

“ _Yeah,_ you should be.” 

“Asshole.” 

“Damn straight.” 

Kiara sighs and rolls her eyes. “I meant it.” 

He flashes her what must be the most affectionate glare she’s ever seen, then smiles softly and squeezes her hand before letting it go, says, “I know you did.”

  
Her hand was getting sweaty and calmly clutching his. She still misses it. A gentle warmth grows in her chest as she remembers that John B had said that JJ absolutely refused to talk about anything involving his relationship with Amber. JJ isn’t one for opening up, _especially_ not while he’s sober. If he does, it’s normally because he blew up at something and needed to apologize. So the fact that he told her all of that, without extensive weed, alcohol, or more provocation than a question he was free not to answer feels like it should _mean_ something. Maybe it’s because he was exhausted and still emotionally vulnerable from the day's events. Or maybe, just maybe, a tiny part of her dares to hope that it has something to do with _her._

In the morning she’ll wake up and laugh at herself for concocting like a middle schooler, but tonight, just for tonight, she lets herself enjoy the warmth of that hope. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I diD throw in some angst at the but it was impOrtanT I plan for the next chapter to be pure Christmas fluff tho... in January. About that, next chapter will probably take a bit longer because my winter break ended and I actually have to go to school (obnoxious) so my goal is two weeks, maybe more maybe less I truly have no idea. thank you so much to everyone leaving comments and kudos! I love you guys so much and I'm glad you're enjoying my necessarily angsty Christmas fic even tho Christmas is come and gone lol As always big shout out YellowLabrotory for being an amazing beta and friend <3
> 
> song from this chapter are Wonder by Shawn Mendes and Sink Me Into Sleep by Lewis Watson and Lucy Rose. I added the link to my playlist with all these songs on them in case anyone else is weird like me and actually listens to author's playlist (: 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/04H3ufWnyTbH0WOOVvZIYx


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I actually had more time than I was expecting last week so here are the fluffy NYC Christmas shenanigans that you've all been waiting for. Songs for this chapter are Bloom by The Paper Kites and City Song by Grace VanderWaal.

####  _ In the morning when I wake _

_ And the sun is coming through, _

_ Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness, _

_ And you fill my head with you _

_ Shall I write it in a letter? _

_ Shall I try to get it down? _

_ Oh, you fill my head with pieces _

_ Of a song I can't get out _

When Kiara wakes up the next morning, the first thing she notices is that she’s  _ extremely  _ warm. As she pulls into consciousness, she realizes that it’s because somewhere in the night JJ had pulled her to his chest like she was his favorite teddy bear. His arm is wrapped tightly but not uncomfortably around her middle and she can feel his steady breath on her neck from where his face is buried in her hair. Kiara knows she needs to get up, she should at least try to reclaim some of her space but she really doesn’t  _ want  _ to. Sure, it’s a little too warm, but it’s a nice kind of too warm, like having one extra blanket in the winter or sitting next to a fire just an inch closer for more warmth. It’s  _ cozy,  _ and part of her wants to just slip back to sleep, but if a family member comes to wake her up they’ll have a  _ fit.  _ Even though literally the only thing that happened was JJ had a nightmare and used her as a teddy bear for the night. 

She’s not sure her family would believe that so she gently tries to pry JJ’s arm off of her without waking him up. As soon as she does, he pulls his arm back and tightens his grip, mumbles something incoherent in his sleep. 

Kiara laughs,  _ God, _ she is  _ never  _ gonna let him live this down. She rolls over so she’s facing him, not bothering to be subtle because she realizes at this point, the only way she’s leaving this bed is if he’s conscious enough to let her go. But now that she’s looking at him, all peaceful and childlike in his sleep, his blond hair falling down onto his forehead and his breath coming out in quiet puffs, she really wishes she didn’t have to wake him. 

“JJ,” she says quietly, tapping him lightly on the forehead. 

He slowly blinks awake, smiles dopily at her. “Hey, what’s up?” His voice is low and heavy with sleep and his eyes are still only half-open. Kiara can’t help but laugh. 

“I, uh- thought we said no groping?” 

JJ frowns at her. “Hmm?” Then looks down to where his arms are wrapped tightly around her, his eyes go wide and he says, “oh shit,” and pulls away like she’s on fire. 

Kiara laughs as he lies on his back, his hands covering his face, most likely to hide the blush she pretends not to see creeping up his cheeks. 

Mumbles, “I totally just spooned you in the night, didn’t I?” his voice failing to hide his embarrassment. 

“Yup,” she says cheerily, rolling off the bed. Lowers her voice mockingly and adds, “Mr. I’m not a hugger.” 

JJ throws a pillow at her and Kiara laughs, enjoying the fact that she’s the one who has  _ him  _ embarrassed for once. 

“Really, I don't know why you refuse to accept the fact that you're cuddly as fuck.” 

He launches another pillow but this time she catches it throws it back with a smile. “I’m gonna jump in the shower, you’ll probably want to do the same.” 

JJ grumbles but makes no action to get up. Kiara can’t blame him with all the shit that went down last night. 

“We’re eating breakfast at nine-thirty, you can probably just shower after. And wear something semi-nice. Like, not totally trashy.” 

He hums in agreement and rolls over onto his stomach, hugging the pillow under his head. 

Kiara smirks at him, scolds herself for being creepy when she finds her eyes lingering on his bare back for too long. 

***

Most of her family is already up when Kiara walks into the massive kitchen and living room. Her grandmother is watching  _ Live With Kelly _ with her aunt and her cousin's girlfriend. Her Grandfather is in a corner reading the newspaper, blatantly tuning out her uncle and his son who are presumably talking about stocks and the _ Business  _ because it’s all they know. Abigail won’t be up until about five minutes before breakfast. Her mom is sitting in an armchair, her nose in a book and a calico cat on her lap, and her dad is already flipping bacon in the electric fryer. The familiarity of it all gives the room a warmth that doesn’t come from the heaters. Kiara realizes with a sigh that as Kooky and obnoxious her family can be, she’s grateful to have them. 

There’s a series of  _ “good morning” _ greetings as she enters the room and walks over to where her dad is cooking. 

“Need a hand, Chef?” She asks with a grin, hopping onto the counter. 

“Kiara Isabella Carrera, do not sit on my countertops.” 

“Sorry Grandmother!” She calls back, hopping down, not feeling sorry at all. 

Her dad grins back at her and hands her the Bisquick. 

Kiara loves cooking with her dad. Maybe it’s because it’s always been a  _ them  _ thing. With her mother being a young woman of society, cooking never really agreed with her. Kiara had wanted to do it since she was small, would sit and watch her dad as he worked. She always found something magical in the way something so delicious was created from so many ingredients that didn’t seem like they could be anything at first. A lot of her best memories with her dad are of them cooking together. It’s not her passion or anything, she’s not going to take over the Wreck as her dad had always hoped, but she still loves it. 

She’s surprised when JJ walks into the room without her having to go wake him up, he’s even out before Abigail. He’s immediately confronted with polite,  _ “good mornings” _ and responds to them in turn, looking vaguely afraid as he hasn’t spotted her yet. 

Kiara takes pity on him and calls, “morning, babe,” from her spot in the kitchen, a teasing smirk on her face. She laughs at the relief that settles on his face when he sees her, a look that quickly shifts as he realizes she called him “babe.” His lips pull into a tight, cocky smirk that he gets when he’s about to take a dare and her only coherent thought is  _ shit  _ as he saunters over to her. 

She glares at him trying to convey  _ don’t you fucking dare  _ in her eyes, but it must not be as intimidating as she intended because he doesn't stop until they’re standing chest to chest. He pauses for a moment, scans her face like he’s waiting for something. Whatever he was looking for, he must not have seen because the moment passes as quickly as it came and he leans in and presses his lips lightly against hers. It takes all the self-control Kiara has not to deepen in the kiss. JJ pulls away with a cocky grin and says, “morning to you, too.” 

Kiara’s heart is beating rapidly in her chest and she’s pretty sure the flush on her is openly visible. She tries to think of a witty retort but feels like her brain is short-circuiting. 

Her dad swoops into her rescue with, “if you’re not helping, get your ass outta my kitchen.” 

“Sorry, Mr. C,” JJ responds, flashing him a shit-eating grin and walking back out to the living room. He stands with his back to her, looking through the giant glass window at the city below. Kiara can picture the look of wonder in his eyes. 

“That boy giving you trouble?” Her dad asks, pulling her out of her train of thought. 

_ Yes.  _

“No, he’s fine dad,” she smiles, “nothing I can’t handle.” 

All evidence points to the contrary, but she can’t exactly tell her father that. 

Mike smiles. “That’s my girl.” 

***

When they’re back in her room after breakfast, Kiara swats and JJ’s chest and mutters, “asshole.” 

He just laughs and jumps away from her, hops onto the bed, and lies on his stomach, looking up at her with his best puppy dog expression, “aww, c’mon, Kie. I was just playing the part.” 

Kiara huffs. “ _ You  _ were taking advantage of the part.” 

“Oh please, I  _ barely  _ even kissed you. That was like a peck, and don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it. You could have stopped me if you wanted to.” 

Kiara opens her mouth to defend herself but realizes he’s right. She thinks about the moment he’d paused, giving her the second that she normally could have taken to push at his chest or turn her head or throw some Bisquick in his face. She could have done any number of things to stop him without raising any red flags to her family, and JJ was expecting her to. Instead, she just stood there like a flustered idiot. 

She wonders nervously how that might have looked to him if it had finally given away the rampant feelings that she really hadn’t been doing a very good job of hiding anyway. The thought of him knowing, of him looking at her with pitying eyes and trying to let her down easy makes her sick. Panic takes over her like a disease and she blurts out, “well, it was just you being an ass, it’s not like it meant anything.” 

  
JJ looks at her vaguely confused for a moment and then just shrugs. “Duh.” 

That shouldn’t sting. She should be relieved. She doesn’t  _ want  _ him to think that she likes him as anything more than a friend. By the end of this trip, she’ll be so numb to rejection she’ll never have to worry about it again.

“You good, Kie?” JJ asks, and her attention switches back to him, looking up at her from where he’s sat on the bed, concern, and tinge of fear present in his eyes. “I- I didn’t think it would be a big deal, I’m-” 

“No,” Kiara cuts him off before he can apologize, “no I’m just messing with you, we’re good.” 

  
He nods and lets a breath of relief. “Okay cool, I kinda thought you were, like, mad at me for a sec there.” 

Kiara shakes her head. “Nah, you’re good. Might wanna take that shower though, and dress warmly, we’re going outside.” 

“Ooo, what Kooky shit are we getting up to today?” 

  
“None, actually. Mom said it would be okay if I took you out to see the city.” 

His eyes light up like a kid in a toy store, “really?” Then he eyes her suspiciously, cocks an eyebrow. “Wait, you takin' me out Carrera?” 

Kiara rolls her eyes. “In your dreams, Maybank. You know what I meant. Go take a shower, we’ve got shit to do.” 

He nods and rolls off the bed, stands up, and salutes her. “Aye aye, captain.” 

Kiara laughs, the action takes her back to gold-tinged childhood memories, when they were all together just the four of them, running wild through the Cut, laughing and reveling in the simple state of being alive. She misses those days. Things were less complicated then. 

JJ’s back in her room about twenty minutes later, his version of  _ warm clothes  _ being jeans, a blue and white flannel, and a thin white sweater underneath pulled over the black tee he was wearing that says  _ BLONDE  _ in a big, black print. 

Kiara laughs, remembers picking that out at a thrift store and giving it to him for his sixteenth birthday as a joke.

“How do you  _ still  _ have that stupid sweater?” 

He just shrugs. “I like it.” 

“It’s ripping.” 

He shrugs again. 

Kiara just sighs and shakes her head but can’t help the small smile playing on her lips. Reminds herself that JJ’s kept plenty of his clothes from high school, not just her stupid sweater. 

He cocks an eyebrow. “So what exactly are we doing again?” 

_ The rumble of voices _

_ Are the bass to our song _

_ The horns are just on the beat _

_ Honkin' along _

_ Let's be the harmony _

_ But no note is wrong _

_ And let's take the city _

####  _ And make it our song _

It’s only about a twenty-minute walk from her grandparents' apartment complex to Central Park, the first place on Kiara’s itinerary for the day. About one minute into said walk, Kiara turns to glance in a shop window and when she turns back around JJ is nowhere to be seen. She tries not to panic at the fact that she somehow managed to lose an  _ adult man  _ in New York City, then on the other hand it’s  _ JJ _ . It’s not like he’s going to get abducted or anything and he has a  _ phone.  _ Still, she lets out a sigh of relief when she spots a familiar mop of blond hair and a bright blue and green jacket standing in front of a food stand. 

She marches over and pulls him away by his jacket sleeve. 

“Hey!” He protests, “that smells good!” 

Kiara rolls her eyes and pulls him forward as she continues walking. “JJ, we literally just ate. God, it’s like I need to get you a leash or something.” 

JJ smirks at her. “Damn, Kie, didn’t know you were that kinky.” 

“Oh my God,” She mutters, shaking her head. 

“It’s okay Kie, I don’t kink shame.” 

“I  _ meant  _ one of those kiddie leashes, with a backpack shaped like a monkey.” 

“Eh, still kinda kinky. You gonna buy me a sippy cup too?” 

“God, you’re depraved.” 

“You’re the one who wants to be a MommyDom.”

“For fucks sake, will you just shut up and walk?” She snaps, a little annoyed but not really angry. 

JJ can tell. He just flashes her a shit-eating grin. “Aww, Mommy, don’t be mean to me.” 

“I’m literally going to kill you.”

“Uh, I don’t feel comfortable with death threats. I might have to use my safe word.” 

  
Kiara doesn’t humor him with a response that time. Knows there’s nothing she can say short of being genuinely upset that he won’t have a witty response to. So she grabs his hand tightly and power walks down the street, JJ laughing behind her. His stupid laugh is obnoxiously infectious and she can only hold her straight face for so long before she too bursts into giggles. 

***

Central Park is covered in a light dusting of white snow and JJ’s eyes light up at a break from the concrete. She lets go of his hand but still has to tug at his jacket when he stops to watch a dog walker pass by with her ten plus dogs. 

“Damn! What if they like, all started running in different directions at the same time? I mean there’s so many of them, what if they all attacked? Or started attacking each other? She’d be screwed. ” 

Kiara smirks and shrugs. “I don’t know, I’ve never put much thought into the dangers of dog walking. They get paid well, I know that.” 

JJ hums, pouts, and says, “I miss my dog.” 

“Oh, please. It literally hasn’t even been a full day.” 

“JB sent me a video of him and he’s sad! He misses me! I’ve never left him before, he probably has separation anxiety!” 

Kiara laughs. “I’m sure John B and Sarah are taking good care of him. Besides we’re only here for three more days, I think you’ll both survive.” 

His dog had actually been a sort of goodbye present from Kiara during their last year of high school. Sarah, John B, and Pope were all heading off to college, Kiara was taking a gap year to travel, and JJ was going to work. He’d gotten a steady job at the local mechanic shop and Kiara never got the feeling that he didn’t  _ enjoy  _ it. He’d always loved motors, named the stats of each boat and car they came across. And it’s not like he was going to be completely alone, he had friends from work now and the Heyward’s had petitioned and been awarded custody when his dad went to rehab. Luke didn’t fight it when he got back. It was probably the kindest thing he’d ever done for his son. 

Still, it felt a little wrong that they were all spreading out and he was staying in the OBX. Even with phones and promises to text every day, Kiara couldn’t shake the feeling that they were abandoning him. Her solution was a shelter mutt with the build of a pitbull and the blue eyes of a Husky who needed a home as much as JJ needed some company.

The arrangement worked out better than she could have hoped, JJ had always been a dog person, even if he’d refused to admit it. And she thinks he related to the abused puppy in need of a loving home and a second chance. JJ aptly renamed him Toast, for reasons Kiara cannot comprehend but has to admit is kinda cute. They’ve been just about inseparable ever since. John B likes to complain that the dog stole his best friend. 

“You in there, Kie?” JJ asks, bumping into her shoulder. 

“Oh, yeah, sorry. Just thinking about the day I gave you Toast.” 

JJ smiles at her sadly. “The day you left yeah?” He raises his voice in a bad imitation of hers, “I feel bad for leaving, here, have a puppy.” 

Kiara rolls her eyes and swats at his shoulder, grumbles, “I do  _ not  _ sound like that.” 

“Honestly, if he wasn’t so damn cute, I would probably have been pissed at you for it.” 

“For leaving?” Kiara asks, tentatively afraid to hear the answer. She’d always known he must have harbored  _ some  _ resentment for them all leaving him behind as soon as high school ended. 

But JJ just blinks at her, looking more offended than angry. “What? No! Fuck, Kie I’m not _that_ much of an asshole. I mean for getting me a puppy as a consolation prize.” 

_ Shit.  _ Well, now  _ she  _ looks like the asshole. “I didn’t– ” she starts, in an attempt at an apology but JJ cuts her off with a laugh. 

He laughs, “S’okay Kie. I mean I was kinda ticked at first but about one day in and I was ready to die for that dog.” 

“But you were still mad at me?” 

He sighs and turns to face her, says in a deadpan, “No, Kiara, I do not resent you for having dreams.” 

“No! That’s not what I meant! I know you don’t, it just – you’re right. It felt like we were all just ditching you.” 

JJ shrugs. “I mean… physically, I guess, but we still talked all the time. You guys we were all out chasing your dreams, I wasn’t gonna hold you back.” 

“No yeah, it’s just– I mean… what were – are your dreams?” 

He sighs and gives her a  _ seriously?  _ glare, deadpans, “I want to move Fairyland and become a unicorn breeder.” 

“ _ JJ.  _ I’m being serious. _ ”  _

_“Kiara._ _I’m_ being serious. Didn’t we already have this conversation six years ago? Maybe I just wanna work on cars, surf, smoke, and live with my dog. What’s so wrong with that?” 

“I didn – nothing, no I’m sorry that came off really shitty. I guess I just was always so determined to  _ get out  _ that I never understood why you wanted to stay.” 

JJ shrugs. “I never really had anything to go to I guess. I really do like my life, Kie. You don’t have to get your panties in a twist on my account.” 

Kiara scoffs, “if anyone has their panties twisted, it’s  _ you. _ ” 

“Hmm,” he pulls the waistband of his pants out and looks down, “nope, nothing twisted here. Need me to check yours?” 

  
Kiara shoves him before he can step towards her and JJ laughs, staggering back way farther than she’d actually pushed him. Retaliates by jumping back and rapidly punching her in the shoulder. She shrugs him off and he casually slings an arm around her. 

“Now, can we go five minutes without you trying to extract some touchy-feely shit outta me?” 

Before she can think of a response his eyes grow wide and he drops his arm, turning to walk backward facing her. 

“Oh! Hold the fuck up! Is that why you  _ really  _ asked me here? So you could get me alone and coerce me into talking about my feelings?” He narrows his eyes, voice playful. “Did John B put you up to this?” 

Kiara smirks and catches up with him. “No, but I wouldn’t put it past him. I asked you to come with me because it was a win for both of us, I didn’t have to deal some kooky date and  _ you  _ got off that fucking island and away from–” 

She cuts herself off but from the expression on JJ’s face, she gathers he knows what she meant. 

“Look, I appreciate the concern Kie, I do, I know you’re all worried about me because I’m  _ going through a breakup _ but I swear to God I’m fine. And I’ve already spilled my fuckin guts so can we  _ please  _ not talk about Amber anymore?”

Kiara bites down on her lip and looks down to the ground, guilt swirling through her stomach as she realizes she  _ has  _ spent a fair amount of this trip pressing him about his ex-girlfriend. It was definitely a good thing, for him to finally get some of that stuff off his chest, but she can understand how he’s kind of sick of the topic. 

“Yeah, yeah, of course. No more emotions.” She crosses a finger over her chest with a playful smile. “I promise.” 

JJ grins. “That’s the spirit! And if you want more out of me, like, at  _ least  _ get me high first. Come on, make it fun.” 

Kiara rolls her eyes and bumps him with her shoulder. “I would but sadly I don’t know any drug dealers.” 

“Shame.” 

The rest of the walk through Central Park is more relaxed, almost peaceful if peaceful is possible when you’re with JJ. They argue playfully about random shit and at one point JJ stops mid-walk, and he’s halfway up a tree before she can even question him. 

Kiara sighs and turns around pulls out her phone to wait for him to get bored and come back down. She comes to regret that decision a few moments later as JJ pelts a snowball directly at her ass. 

“You fucking asshole!” She exclaims spinning around, a little annoyed but mostly amused. 

JJ’s sitting in the tree like some sort of fucking demon monkey reigns his laughter as soon as she turns around. He glances around innocently and says, “who, me?” 

Kiara rolls her eyes and doesn’t humor him with a response, leans down to grab a snowball of her own but JJ leaps out of the tree and lifts her up by the waist before she can finish it. She squeals as he spins her and takes the opportunity to shove her unfinished snowball down the back of his shirt. 

She grins proudly as he lets out a shriek and drops her immediately. Shivers, dropping his head back and muttering “ah shit, fuck, Kie!” 

Kie swallows the reaction that stirs in her and silently curses herself for being a horny creep. Says, “serves you right asshole,” and continues walking. 

JJ jogs to catch up with her. “Still love me though, right?” He asks, bright blue shining, cheeks flushed from the cold and a cheeky grin that she’d like to kiss off his face. 

Instead, she rolls her eyes and punches him lightly in the shoulder, to which he dramatically feigns injury. Kiara laughs at his antics and spends the rest of the walk desperately trying not to think about what her genuine response to that question would be. 

***

They spend about an hour just meandering through the park, talking about nothing, and having the occasional snowball fight. JJ grumbles a bit about museums being boring and her turning into Pope when they pop out at the Natural History Museum and Kiara tells him they’re going in; she just rolls her eyes and tells him to trust her. 

His eyes light up with realization as they walk into dinosaur exhibits, glances over at her, his eyes wide with barely contained excitement. 

Kiara laughs. “Boring, huh?” 

He scoffs at her a little and turns to walk into the room. Kiara grabs his arm to hold him back, asks, “don’t you have something to say to me?” her voice light and teasing. 

JJ narrows his eyes and she counters with raised eyebrows, they hold eye contact for a few beats, waiting for the other to cave. 

This time it’s JJ. He dramatically says, “I’m  _ sorry,  _ Kiara.” 

She raises her eyebrows again. 

He sighs and adds, “you’re not boring like Pope.” 

Kiara flashes him a smile. Says, “thank you,” then adds in an intentionally condescending tone, “go on! Go play!” 

JJ sticks his tongue at her, which really does not help his case, then all but runs into the room. 

Kie has to swat at his hand to keep him from reaching out to touch the bones on several occasions, hissing that he’s going to get them kicked out. He gazes at each exhibit with an equal amount of enthusiasm, spouts off random facts about almost all of them the way he does with boats and cars. He reads the little plaques beside them even though Kiara knows it’s still hard for him.

She had been planning on taking him here from the minute he agreed to come. They weren’t friends when they were really little, so Kiara wasn’t actually present for his “dinosaur phase” as John B would reference it from time to time. But she and Pope had helped him clean his stuff out of his room at his dads when he moved in with the Heywards and she’d found a collection of Dinosaur puzzles, figurines, a couple of archeology kits, some Land Before Time DVDs, and a plushie Stegosaurus all buried in the depths of his closet. It was a bit of gold mine for mocking purposes and JJ had promptly thrown it all in her “donations” bag. Kiara had dug the plushie out when no one was looking and gave it back to him privately later on. He snatched it out of her hands, said “thanks' ' kind of harshly, and stalked off.

Kiara was glad she did it anyway. Even if he didn’t want to admit it at the time, she could tell he was relieved to have it back. 

JJ doesn’t hold back any of that youthful enthusiasm now, lets the seven-year-old with a stegosaurus plushie and an army of figurines shine through without any shame or embarrassment. It's endearing. More than endearing, it’s fucking adorable. He rightfully gawks at the enormous Titanosaur, stretching across two rooms, but it’s the Stegosaurus that he gets the most excited about. Takes about a billion pictures of it from several angles and then asks her to take one of him in front of it. 

“We literally just saw a dinosaur that was  _ one hundred and twenty-two feet  _ long and you’re fanboying over the _ Stegosaurus? _ ” 

  
“Hey!” JJ exclaims defensively. “She’s fucking _right there,_ you asshole.” 

Kiara thinks back to the plushie she found in his room six years ago and shakes her head at her own foolishness. Raises her hands in surrender. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult your favorite dinosaur.”

JJ folds his arms indignantly, “I’m not the one you have to apologize to.” 

“Excuse me?” 

  
He nods to the giant skeleton. “Tell Sophie you’re sorry.” 

“Sophie?” 

“That’s her name.” 

Kiara opens her mouth then closes it again. Shakes her head. “I am not apologizing to that heap of bones.” 

  
JJ’s jaw drops dramatically and he turns his back to her to talk to the dinosaur. “Don’t listen to her Soph. I know, I know, I thought she was above body shaming too.” He turns around to flash her a pointed glare. 

“Jesus Christ, you are a literal child,” she mutters but gives in because she knows he won’t let it go until she does. “I’m  _ sorry,  _ Sophie. You’re a very beautiful Stegosaurus.” 

“ _ Thank you.  _ She says accepts your apology but thinks that you should work on being nicer.” 

Kiara shakes her head. “I’m gonna- I need to give you two some alone time. I’m gonna go to the gift shop, call me when you’re done.” 

She buys him another stegosaurus plushie and tosses it to him when they meet back up. 

“Thought your other one might be lonely.”

It’s smaller than the last one, about the size of his palm. He tightens his jaw and for a second Kiara thinks he might actually be mad about it, but then he breaks out into a grin. 

“Thanks Kie. Steggie  _ has _ been very sad all alone in my closet.” 

  
“You _actually_ named it Steggie?” 

  
“I was like _five,_ ” he responds defensively. 

Kiara laughs and shakes her head. “Alright, come on, Steggie Man.” 

“I accept that title with pride.” 

“I’m gonna make you a T-shirt.” 

“I’d wear that with pride too.” 

***

By the time they make it out of the Museum, JJ’s complaining about being  _ starving  _ and tired of walking, and Kiara has to admit she feels the same. The Shake Shack is right around the corner so they get seats there, JJ orders a SmokeShake burger, chocolate shake, and Bacon Cheese Fries. Kiara orders a vanilla shake and a meatless Shroom burger, no fries. 

“Kie, you really can’t be trippin right now, this place confuses the shit out of me and we  _ will  _ get lost.” 

Kiara rolls her eyes. “Not all mushrooms are drugs JJ. It’s just a burger made out of mushrooms. Like, non-trippy mushrooms.” 

“Ya know, that’s such bullshit.” 

“Oh god, here we go.” 

“A burger is a burger. It’s made out of cow, not  _ mushrooms.  _ It’s a mushroom  _ patty, _ not a mushroom  _ burger _ .” 

She just sighs and shakes her head, tiny smile tugs at her lips. “Whatever you say, JJ.” 

***

She booked them tickets to see the Matinee of Beetlejuice at two (part of her gift from her grandfather) so they start the forty-minute walk instead of taking an uber because Kiara hates pollution and JJ hates being sedentary for extended periods of time. She was a little afraid to try and take him on the subway, so walking it is. JJ disappears again for a second and Kiara finds him a few feet back starring in a shop window. This time she grabs his hand wordlessly and drags him away, wondering vaguely if he’s doing this on purpose. 

They’re about ten minutes away when he insists on stopping at a food truck. Kiara tells him he’s being ridiculous and that they only ate like thirty minutes ago. 

He gets a hot dog. They split a pretzel. 

They get screwdrivers at the show because they can and even though only one barely affects either of them, it still seems to help. JJ manages to stay awake for the whole thing and ends up laughing quite a bit. If she didn’t know any better, she’d think he  _ actually  _ enjoyed it. 

JJ admits afterward that it  _ did  _ alter his negative stance on musicals, but makes her swear not to tell anyone for the sake of his  _ reputation.  _

They wander through Times Squares after the show, JJ forces her to take pictures with the creepy guys in The Avengers Costumes for reasons she cannot fathom. He seems highly amused by her discomfort and he just laughs when she tells him that's how people get abducted. He slings an arm around her and says affectionately, “relax Kie, I wouldn’t let anybody abduct you.” 

It’s more a threat than a brag, she doesn’t have doubt in her mind that he’d stop at absolutely nothing to protect her. It’s just who he is, and it terrifies her but she also hates to admit that it does make her feel safe.  _ He  _ makes her feel safe. 

She pushes his arm off his shoulder and assures him that she has pepper spray in her purse and doesn’t need his protection. 

JJ just laughs again and puts his hands up in surrender. 

“I know Kie. I know.” 

They eat dinner at the City Kitchen which is just a bit of a backtrack which Kiara claims is totally worth it for their excellent ramen. JJ tells her that all ramen tastes the same, so she forces him to try some of hers. He concedes that it’s better than the average ramen. 

They score upstairs windows so they have a view of the city below, the sun has gone down so it’s all fluorescent lights against dark concrete and white snow. She thinks that maybe it should be weird, eating dinner at a restaurant, just the two of them, but it isn’t. It feels as natural as eating pizza on the Chateau couch. She remembers the first time she went out to eat with Marianna, even before they started dating, she had been a jumble of nerves the whole time. It was fun and Marianna had been sweet as always, but Kiara wouldn’t have called it  _ easy.  _ It got better as they got to know each other more when they actually became a couple, but it never reached the ease that she and JJ have just as friends. It wasn’t Marianna’s fault, she realizes now, her girlfriend had seen the long-buried feelings for someone before Kiara even knew they existed. 

They go to Bryant Park afterward because the Winter Village is beautiful and perfect for some last-minute Christmas Shopping. Which, surprisingly, JJ doesn’t complain about. In fact, he looks almost happy about it and insists that they split up. Kiara gathers that he had not yet gotten her anything for Christmas. He normally just gives them all weed or on occasion something random and cheap that he claims “made me think you”. The weed option wouldn’t work out too well when they open gifts in front of her family on Christmas morning. 

They reconvene, bags in hand, at the Christmas Tree and Kiara smiles as JJ watches the ice skaters with fascination and a bit of longing. She tugs him away and they get some mulled wine to warm up before making the ten-minute walk to the final place on Kiara’s itinerary. Cliche and touristy as it may be, you can’t spend Christmas in New York City and  _ not  _ go to Rockefeller Center. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope some of that fluff makes up for the angsty mess this been so far. I'm ballparking about two more chapters left but I'm so long-winded that things I intend to be one chapter end up needing two. (like the fact that it's only been like one day since they left obx aksjfhis) But just wanted to assure everyone that they will be put out of the pinning misery very soon and it will be all fluff from there. Thank you so much to everyone leaving comments and kudos!! You guys are like the sweetest oiesndfidfh it means so much and makes this so much more fun. Much thanks of course to YellowLabratory for her constant key smashes and much-needed commas. I'm gonna say that this might take me longer than usual because every time I say that I end up posting a week later anyway (:
> 
> Also, did Beetlejuice close before the pandemic? yes. Does this take place six years in the future where it would definitely be closed? yes. Do they go to see it anyway because this is fanfiction and I do what I want? yes. Is anyone else on here a broadway nerd like me who even knows what shows are open and not? probably not but I felt like it should be said (:


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, of course, this was the one time it actually took me longer than a week. I did not expect the events that take place in this chapter to get this long but then again I never do. Hope you enjoy (: 
> 
> song for this chapter are Winter Wonderland (whichever version you want I guess) and that way by Tate McRae

_ Gone away is the bluebird _

_ Here to stay is a new bird _

_ He sings a love song _

_ As we go along _

####  _ Walking in a winter wonderland  _

Some of the magic of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree has faded for Kiara after standing beneath the three hundred foot tall sequoias in California, but seeing it for the first time again through JJ’s eyes makes it all come rushing back to her. He’s so busy staring at it, Kie has to pull him in front of her to keep him colliding with someone. 

“No way that’s fuckin real,” JJ mutters as they stand starring up at it, lights all aglow in the dark. 

It really is beautiful. “Crazily enough, I can guarantee you that it's real.” 

“Everythings just gotta be  _ bigger  _ here, huh? Bigger buildings, bigger trees, bigger dinosaurs. Who are they trying to outdo? Texas?” 

Kiara laughs. “Well, they have smaller  _ hats  _ than Texas, on a whole at least. And OBX definitely has bigger waves.” 

“Hell yeah, we do.” 

***

There’s a relatively long line outside of FAO Schwartz, but it’s not the worst Kiara has seen so she decides it’s worth waiting out. It’s not like they’re on a time limit. 

“Why are we standing in this long ass line again?” JJ asks, after approximately three minutes. 

Kiara sighs. “It’s worth it, trust me.” 

  
He eyes her suspiciously but accepts that she’s the captain of this tour and they’ll be doing what she had planned. 

They facetime John B and Sarah while they wait. Kiara laughs when JJ gets almost teary-eyed at the sight of Toast. Says, “and you said the  _ dog  _ has separation anxiety,” with a scoff. 

JJ ignores her and proceeds to tell Toast how much he misses him and that he’ll be home soon. Kiara rolls her eyes but can’t help but smile. Not a day goes by where she isn’t glad she got him that fucking dog.

“So, what is this place again?” JJ asks as they near the entrance, having hung up with John B and Sarah a few moments before. 

“Only the toy store to end all toy stores.” 

JJ wrinkles his nose. “A  _ toy store _ ? What are we, children?” 

  
“Says the _steggie man._ ” 

“Hey–” 

  
“And as far as I’m concerned, you _are_ a child. You’re like a child trapped inside a man's body.”

He makes a face at her. “That's kinda nasty, Kie.” 

“Oh my God, you know what I mean.  _ See,  _ everything’s gotta be a sex joke with you.  _ Childish _ .” 

This time he pouts at her. “I thought you liked my childish nature. I’m like Peter Pan, eternally young. Girls dig that.” 

“Peter Pan was an immature asshole that was basically an evil spirit leading children to their deaths.” 

_ “Kiara!  _ There are  _ children!”  _ He exclaims dramatically, motioning to the families standing around them in line. 

She just rolls her eyes.“Yeah, I’m looking at one.” 

“Oh, such a burn. How shall I  _ ever  _ recover.” 

“My  _ God,  _ you’re so annoying.” 

He grins easily, tilts his head at her. “But you love me.” 

“Doesn’t make you less annoying.” 

JJ seems pleased by that answer, entertains himself with his phone for the rest of the wait. 

There’s something timeless about toy stores, like no matter how old you get it’s always fun to look at little toys with all their minute details. To take a moment and forget about adulthood and all the shit that goes along with it, to just be a kid again, even if only for a little while. 

JJ’s enthusiasm level is a little below what it was for the Stegosaurus, but she’ll take it. He looks around at it all like he’s never seen a toy store before and she realizes with a start that he probably hasn’t. 

With that happy thought, Kiara proceeds to drag him through the store with a level of excitement she can only hope is infectious. JJ’s smiling widely so she assumes it is. 

When they have to wait in another line to dance on the piano, Kiara suggests playing  _ Headbands _ for the fun of it. JJ’s attempts at pantomiming the words are so ridiculous that she ends up laughing hysterically instead of guessing. A group of kids in front of them seem to find him funny as well and they somehow end up roped into a giant game of headbands with several kids ranging from eight years olds to tweens. The parents seem more pleased that the kids aren’t bugging them about how long the wait is going to be or when they can take a potty break than concerned about their children playing with two college kids. 

JJ’s great with them, the kids, she can tell he loves being the center of attention, loves knowing he’s making them happy. He’s always like that in any big crowd, always had to be the star of the show, she used to think he was just an attention whore. Now she  _ knows  _ he’s an attention whore but can’t really blame him for it. She also knows that he just genuinely enjoys making people smile. He does it at parties too, but there’s something about the way he does it with kids that’s  _ softer,  _ more endearing. 

_ He’d be a great father,  _ her brain supplies and Kiara’s not sure exactly what her brain is looking for her to do with that information. 

When they finally break away from their gaggle of momentarily adopted children, she insists on going to Build-A-Bear. She wasn’t expecting JJ to have been to one before, but she’s shocked when he doesn’t even  _ recognize _ the name. 

“How do you not even  _ know  _ what Build-A-Bear is?” 

  
“Uh, because I’m not rich?” 

If she tries to discredit that, he’ll just move on to his next defense which she knows will be something along the lines of “my parents never loved me” and she’ll have no good response for that. So, Kiara cuts herself off there, grabs him by the hand, and drags him in. 

***

Turns out JJ  _ does  _ know what Build-A-Bear is, has been there in fact. He didn’t recognize the name at first, had long since buried the memory, but it all came rushing back to him in a furious and extremely  _ unwelcome  _ wave of remembrance.

_ It was his fifth birthday. Mama and Dad had picked him up right after school, both of them. He was carrying a Tupperware container with a few extra cupcakes left in it , they had blue frosting because that was his favorite. He had helped Mama make them the day before and he brought them in proudly to give to his classmates in homeroom. A birthday tradition at Kildare County Elementary. Everyone loved his birthday because his mom made the best cupcakes. It was very important to bring in good cupcakes for your birthday. Mama never let him down.  _

_ He gave them both a cupcake and talked excitedly about how much his classmates loved them. When mom got frosting on her nose dad smiled and licked it off. She swatted at his chest and told him she was driving, but JJ could tell she wasn’t real angry. He thought it was gross. But she wasn’t real angry. She was happy. So, JJ was happy. Even if his parents were being gross.  _

_ They drove to the Arcade on the Mainland, Dad got fake mad whenever mom beat him at a game, which was a lot. She was the best at the gun game, it was loud and made a kind of scary, but also kind of exhilarating, popping noise. He wondered if other kids had moms as cool as his. Mama loved the roller coasters, but JJ was too small for the big kid ones. Mama wanted to sneak him on, Dad said she was out of her fucking mind.  _

_ JJ knew what would happen next. He didn’t want them to fight, the day had been too perfect. So he apologized to Mama for being too small and asked them if they please wouldn’t fight for his birthday. Dad flashed a glare at Mama and scooped JJ up, placing him on his shoulders, told him not to listen to his Mama, that he was the perfect size.  _

_ They went on the spinny teacups instead.  _

_ After the park, they drove to the mall for his “real present,” as Mama said.  _

_ Build-A-Bear was filled with other kids and lots of plushies and stuffing. His parents let him pick out the animal he wanted to make, he picked the Stegosaurus without hesitation. Dad and Mama helped him put it together, Mama kissed the little red heart before handing it to him to put in the stuffing. Placed another kiss on his forehead.  _

_ JJ fell asleep in the car clutching Steggie close to his chest. Dad carried him into the house, took his shoes off, and put him in PJ’s even with JJ barely conscious. _

__

_ He woke up later in the night, crawled out of his bed and into his parent's room, Steggie in hand, crawled over his dad's legs, and wedged himself in between him and Mama. She immediately wrapped her arms around him, pulling his back to her chest.  _

_ “Try not to kick, will ya kid?” His dad had said with a smile.  _

_ JJ responded with a similar grin. “I never kick.”  _

_ “Sure ya don’t. Little windmill.”  _

_ “Goodnight, dad.”  _

_ “Goodnight, Johnny.”  _

_ It had been a good day.  _

“JJ?” Kiara asks, flicking him light on the forehead. “Earth to JJ.” 

He glances back at her, so caught up in the memory he couldn’t think of how to respond. 

“Hey, are you okay?” she tries again, gentler this time. 

  
“Huh? What – yeah, yeah I’m great.” 

  
“What was that all about?”

  
“Can’t a man zone out?” 

Kiara squints her eyes at him, sizing him up. She’s either gotten  _ extremely  _ good at reading him or JJ’s stopped bothering to keep his walls so high. Maybe a bit of both.

“Nope. You’re being weird,” her voice softens. “What’s up?” 

JJ shifts on his feet. He could just make something up or tell her he doesn't want to talk about it, but he doesn't want to lie to Kiara and honestly doesn’t think the memory is worth putting up a fuss about. Something’s he just can’t talk about, some things she just can’t know. This isn’t one of them. 

“Ah, nothing, really. Just, I guess I, uh– didn’t remember it at first but I, uh,” he clears his throat, “ have been here before.” 

Kiara stares at him, apparently shocked by the revelation. “ _ Seriously?”  _

“Yup,” he responds, rocking back on his heels and sticking his hand in his pockets. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t remember this place!” 

“Must be all the concussions.” 

Kiara winces a little and JJ laughs lamely at his own joke, awkwardly clears his throat. 

It was funnier in his head. 

“So, did Big John take you and John B?” Kiara asks tentatively because she’s Kiara and she always wants to know about his feelings. 

JJ shakes his head. “Nah, my parents actually. Fifth birthday.” 

Kiara does the uncomfortable wincy thing again, asks, “what happened?” like she’s afraid of the answer but trying to not show it. He figures if he were her, he’d be afraid of the answer too. 

But all he does is shrug. “Nothing. It was a great day.” 

Kiara doesn’t seem to know how to respond to that. He figures she was all prepared to deal with some traumatic story that she’d have to hold back tears just to listen to. As if he would ever put her through that. Eventually, she just says, “oh.” 

“Yeah. It’s where I got Steggie from, actually.” 

“You didn’t remember that?” 

“I’d say it was more like I’d  _ blocked  _ it out.” 

Kiara frowns at him, confused. “But you said nothing bad happened?” 

JJ shifts uncomfortably because she doesn’t know how complicated that question is, tries to think of a way to simplify it that won’t make her crazy sad about how depressing his childhood was. He reaches to scratch the back of his neck, settles for saying, “yeah, um, I guess it’s easier to forget the happy stuff too, ya know. Thinking about all about how great things  _ could  _ have been. And it's easier to avoid thinking about my mom in general if I can get away with it.” 

_ Well, great fucking job not being depressing, JJ.  _

Kiara doesn’t respond to that, just looks at him in her sad, empathetic way that tells him exactly what she’s going to do next. 

He tries quickly to cover up for his complete failure earlier, says, “Kie, it’s cool, I’m not like all broken up about it and shit. I don’t need a hug,” as nonchalantly as he can. 

“I think you do.” 

“Kie–” 

Kiara can read him. Can tell when he’s tense and doesn't want to be touched. Can tell when he’s hurting and needs her to gently place a hand on his shoulder and pull him into her arms. And she can tell when he just needs her to be  _ chill _ about it. 

That's how she knows it’s a perfectly appropriate time to say, “shut up and accept my hug, bitch,” and wrap her arms around his waist without waiting for permission. 

JJ smiles despite himself, grumbles a bit for the sake of his pride, and wraps his arms around her back, leans down so his cheek is resting on the top of her head. 

“We can go, if you want,” she asks after they pull away, “it's no big deal rea–” 

  
“Nah,” JJ cuts her off, “ I wanna build a mother fuckin bear.” 

***

“What’s next, Captain?” JJ asks as they walk out of the store, now toting a sea turtle and a Long Neck Dinosaur plushie. 

Kiara smiles at him. “Oh, I don’t know. I thought you might wanna try ice skating?” 

His face lights up like the Christmas Tree they’re standing beside and a small feeling of both relief and pride well up in her chest. Before today, it had been months since she’d seen him smiling like that. 

She also hates it when Sarah’s right. 

JJ’s overzealous excitement stepping out onto the ice sends him sprawling flat on his ass within seconds. 

She giggles and skates smoothly over to him, offers a hand. “You might wanna start kinda slow.” 

“Whatever,” he mumbles, but accepts her hand, has to grab onto her shoulders to keep himself upright. 

“Alright, ready? Let go and watch me.” 

Like all things athletic, he  _ does  _ get the hang of it pretty quickly, and soon, they’re racing each other around the rink as fast as they can, carefully dodging kids and slower-moving skaters, occasionally falling as they fail to properly evade said, other people. After several dirty looks and just about taking out a small child, Kiara insists that they slow down. When JJ pouts at her, she assures him that when they get to her Aunt’s lakehouse after Christmas Eve, they can skate Lake George and go as fast as they want. 

He brightens up at that and settles for coasting around the rink in lazy circles, singing and dancing along to the Christmas songs. It starts snowing at some point, light flurries turn into larger flakes and JJ pauses a moment looking up at them, spinning slowly in place as they fall, land, and melt on his face as he sticks his tongue out to try and catch them, a bright grin on his face. From where Kiara’s standing it looks like that grin could light up the whole damn rink.

She laughs and pulls out her phone to take a Snapchat video for the Pogues. JJ notices, narrows his eyes, and skates towards her. Kiara barely has time to move before he’s colliding with her at full speed and using the momentum to grab onto her waist and spin her around. Kiara squeals and leans her head back against his shoulder as she laughs. He sets her down for a few seconds before lifting her back up and spinning in the other direction. She calls him an ass but the word doesn’t carry much weight when said through giggles. 

In the corner of her eyes, she spots a young kid skating toward them, seemingly not entirely in control of their speed and coming dangerously close to the swinging blades of her skates. 

“JJ, kid!” She exclaims in warning and instead of setting her down he tries to dodge the out-of-control child with her in his arms and loses his balance spilling them both onto the ground. 

Kiara lands on JJ’s chest with a small scream and JJ lets out of a grunt of his own before they both burst into laughter. When the giggles die down and the blood returns to her brain, the intimacy of the position they landed in hits her in a warm jittery wave that sets her stomach alight and sends a blush creeping along the sides of her face. 

She studies JJ’s face to see if she can spot a similar feeling in his expression, and it’s there – for a split second, it’s all there. She can feel his heart beating rapidly under her hands and his face is already so close to hers, sharp jawline and clear blue eyes. Unruly blond hair falling into his face, he’s breaking out a little on the side of his forehead, it makes him look more human, somehow even more attractive. Real. Kiara lifts a hand and gently brushes some of the hair out of his eyes, JJ closes his eyes when she touches him, makes a small breathy noise that catches in her chest as well as his, and suddenly, she's aware of every place they're pressed together, heat rising in her face, her heart picking up speed. 

JJ’s eyes reopen and in an instant, his expression changes to something almost pained that she can’t understand. He coughs and turns his head away from her. 

“You’re uh – crushing my ribs.” 

Kiara feels her face turn bright red as she pushes herself off him and sits down on the ice. Puts a hand over her face to hide the bright red color she can feel herself turning. 

She can her JJ shuffle to sit up, clear his throat. She can see him rubbing the back of his neck, trying to come up with the right thing to say. 

Kiara beats him to it, rubs a hand across her face, and turns to him.

“Wanna get drunk?” 

_ You don't know it's breaking my heart _

_ Said that it was just never gonna happen _

_ Then almost kissed me in the dark _

_ Every time we talk, it just hurts so bad _

_ 'Cause I don't even know what we are _

_ I don't even know where to start _

####  _ But I can play the part _

They slip into the nearest and liveliest bar they can find and Kiara quickly makes good on her wish to get drunk. JJ holds himself back because Kiara might be okay with stumbling into her grandparents' apartment wasted but he’s sure as hell not. Her family has been  _ relatively  _ accepting, with the exception of her grandmother, and better than he’d hoped. But he hasn’t missed the wayward glances and the way her uncle and his family had cringed when he’d said he was a mechanic. They find him entertaining for sure, probably pitiful but certainly not an equal. 

Kiara drags him out onto the dance floor, pulls off her sweater to reveal an almost too small, low-cut, blue tank top. She smirks when she catches him staring, walks backwards onto the dance floor, beaconing at him with her pointer finger.

He pulls off his own sweater, just a plain back T underneath, and follows her out onto the dance floor. And  _ God,  _ she can dance. Long black hair flying around her shoulders as she tosses her head, back and forth, hips moving to the rhythm in a way that shouldn’t be fucking legal. A way that takes him back to what was simultaneously one of the worst and best nights of his life, her hips moving against his, ecstasy pushing his grief so far from his mind he forgot it was there. If only for an instant. 

It’s too much for him and he definitely  _ cannot  _ have Kiara grinding on him right now. She has a tendency to try and mack him when she’s drunk. He’s not sure he’d have the strength to say  _ no  _ at the moment. So, JJ sits back down at their table, orders a beer, and slowly nurses it. Kiara’s too wrapped up in having a good time to even notice he’s gone. Ends up dancing with some blonde chick, grinding against each other like some sort of Shakira backup dancers. 

“I’d ask you to dance,” an unfamiliar voice says and a pale girl with light brown hair takes a seat beside him, “but something tells me you’re already taken with someone else.” She nods toward Kiara and her friend together in the center of the dance floor. 

JJ huffs out a laugh, takes a sip of his beer. “Nah, just not feelin it tonight.” 

“Yeah, sure. Trouble in paradise?” 

“She’s my best friend,” he responds automatically, like a reflex before realizing he does not owe this perfect stranger any sort of explanation. 

The girl’s eyes widen, says genuinely, “Oh my god, that’s terrible. How long have you been in the friendzone?” 

JJ narrows his eyes at her. Who the  _ fuck  _ does she think she is? 

“You know, you are very invasive for some chick in a bar.” 

“Oh yes, so sorry. I forgot my  _ hot people in a bar etiquette.  _ How about I stop asking questions and throw myself at your dick, we can maybe dance a little bit and then fuck in the broom closet.” 

JJ snorts on his beer, gives the girl an amused smile. “You offering?” 

“Hell no,” she says in a huff, “you just strike me as that type of guy.” 

“Ah, so I radiate fuck boy. Good to know.” 

“You radiate fuck boy who’s hopelessly in love with his best friend. Like a cookie cutter rom-com love interest, that's just depressing dude.” 

JJ narrows his eyes at her, feels like he should probably be offended, but he’s also never met a girl at a bar or a party that actually seemed to want to  _ talk  _ to him, so he lets it go. 

“What’s your name again?” 

She smiles at him, holds out her hand. “Andrea.” 

“I’m JJ.” 

“That stand for something?” 

“You ask a lot of questions.” 

She smiles again. “Are you planning on sitting here and brooding all night or are you gonna get up and dance with me? Maybe see if we can make your  _ best friend  _ as jealous as she’s making you.” 

JJ returns the grin. “Now that's a question I can answer.” 

***

He’s not sure how long they dance for but eventually, he and Andrea end up in the quietest corner of the bar, just talking. Easy light conversation, he proudly shows her pictures of his dog, she looks at him pitifully when he tells her Toast was a gift from Kie. She works at a mechanic shop here in the city so they talk about that. She even surfs, because apparently, you  _ can  _ do that in New York City. She gives him her Instagram before she leaves, says, “trust me, I’m not trying to get in between,” she motions to where Kiara is dancing on a table beside the blonde girl, “ _ that. _ ” 

“There is no  _ that _ ,” he says firmly. 

Andrea snorts. “Bullshit, you two will have had sex by the end of this  _ trip  _ I’m calling it now.”

JJ makes a face. 

“Oh my god, you already have!” 

“Years ago! We were teens! There was alcohol and grief involved.” 

  
Andrea snorts. “JJ, you are the most interesting person I have ever met. Shoot me a DM when you two get together. I wanna know.” 

JJ rolls his eyes. “Not gonna happen!” 

She heads for the door, shouts, “keep telling yourself that!” over her shoulder and then he’s alone again. 

A buzz in his back pocket prompts him to open his phone to a call from Kie’s mom. 

_ Shit.  _

“Hey, Ms. Anna.” 

“Oh, JJ, thank God. I’ve been trying to reach Kiara for an hour, it’s almost one am!” 

Double  _ Shit.  _

“I am so sorry, Ms. Anna I figured Kiara had talked to you.” 

“Where are you? Why is it so loud?” 

“Um, well. We’re at a bar. Her idea, not mine. I’m not even drunk,” he spits out the last part quickly, like a little kid trying to keep from getting in trouble. 

Anna sighs from the other side of the phone. “Sad thing is, I believe you. I’ll take it Kiara is, then? Drunk.” 

JJ glances around to where Kiara is singing  _ Baby It's Cold Outside _ , highly offkey, from a karaoke stage that he’s a little worried she’ll stumble off of. 

She doesn’t even like that song. 

“Yeah, yeah, she’s wasted. We should probably be going anyway. Um, how do I call an Uber again? And what’s the address?” 

Anna lets out another exasperated sigh. “Nice of her to leave all that on you. It might be easier for you to just grab a taxi, all you have to do is stick your hand out and wait for one to stop. I’ll text you the address.” 

“Thanks, see you in a bit.” 

  
Kie’s finished her song as JJ makes his way over to the karaoke stage. Her face lights up when she sees him. 

“JJ!” She exclaims excitedly, as walks over to greet him.

Which would be fine if she used the stairs instead of trying to just walk off the front of the stage. 

Luckily it’s not very tall and JJ catches her before she can hit the ground. 

She giggles at him and bops his nose. “Thanks, Romeo.” 

“Kie, we have to go. You’re mom called.” 

Kiara frowns. “My  _ mom  _ called? What are we, _ ten?!  _ We’re adults and we can do what we want!” She shouts indignantly, earning cheers from the surrounding crowd. 

“Kie,  _ please.  _ Your grandparents are gonna be pissed and they’re probably gonna find some way to blame me. I’m tired, can we please go?” 

“Hey, if you wanna go, you can go! I’m an adult and I  _ Don't. Need. You,”  _ she finishes dramatically, bopping him on the nose with each word like it proves her point. 

JJ shakes his head, says “alright, I’m not doing this,” and reaches down, scooping her up bridal style. “You’re drunk, and we’re leaving.” 

“Heyyy!!” She whines, kicking her legs and pushing at his face, “put me down! JJ, I don’t wanna go!” 

“Fucking hell Kie, since when are you such an annoying drunk?” he mutters, reaching over to grab her wrists, as he currently can’t see with her hands in his face, and tightens his grip on her legs so she doesn’t kick some unsuspecting fellow drunk. 

Unable to kick or swat at him she just glares as he carries her out of the bar and hails a taxi. Once inside the cab she pouts and turns away from him, but at some point forgets his indiscretion and ends up laying across the seat with her head resting on his lap. 

JJ smiles as she snores lightly, rests a hand on her shoulder, and gently rubs his thumb against the soft fabric of her shirt. Kie lets out a contented sigh at his touch and nuzzles her head against his thigh. JJ smirks, and continues the movement, takes his other hand, and starts playing with buoyant curls sprawling across her back. She doesn’t normally let him, but he highly doubts she’ll remember any of this in the morning. It’s just as soft as he remembers. 

It takes a moment, but Kiara notices around when they’re pulling up in front of the apartment. She mumbles something incoherent and rolls onto her back so that she’s facing him. Slurs, “don touch my hair,” with a pout. 

JJ smiles at her innocently as he drops the curl he’d had in his hand. 

“C’mon Kie, we’re here.” 

She shakes her head and presses her forehead against his lower abdomen. “I don’t wanna move.” 

“Kie,” he says in a tired sigh. 

“M’tried,” she whines, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck and then pull herself into his lap, buries her face in his neck. “Tell me when we get there.” 

“Kiara, you’re not seriously going to make me  _ carry you  _ all the way to the room?”

  
“M’ not _making_ you. You’re just gonna do it cuz you love me.” 

He doesn’t want to think about the truth behind that statement so he asks, “what happened to being a  _ strong independent woman? _ ” 

Kiara pulls her head out of his neck and turns to face him at that. 

“I  _ am  _ a strong independent woman and a strong independent woman knows what she wants and fights for it. Right now I want you to carry me up to the room,” she presses his face to his neck and clings tighter to him, “this is me fighting for it.” 

JJ just sighs and leans his head back against the headrest before opening the door handle and scooping Kiara in his arms. 

He ignores the sideways look he earns from the desk keepers as he walks through their hotel at 1 am with a girl passed out in his arms. Takes a deep breath as he presses the button to open the elevator, mutters, “this is fine. Everything’s fine.” 

“You got this, babe,” Kiara slurs, not even opening her eyes. 

They make it to their floor without JJ passing out, which he counts as a victory. He has to fumble awkwardly to get the key out of her purse and then opens the door with his elbow, pushing the rest of the way with his shoulder and kicking it closed with his foot. 

Anna is waiting up for them and gasps when she sees Kiara in his arms. 

“Oh my god, is she alright?” 

  
“Oh, she’s fine, just lazy and very wasted. I, on the other hand, cannot feel my arms.” 

It earns him a small laugh from Anna and he smiles at her. 

“I’ll just drop her off, you can go to bed now if you want.” 

Anna turns to leave then pauses, looks back at him. 

“JJ?”

“Yeah?” 

“Thank you,” he tilts his head at her, almost asks what for when Anna clarifies, “for taking care of her.” 

“Oh,” he responds, a little surprised and confused at whatever this interaction is. He doesn’t think he’s ever spoken to Anna one on one like this. “Yeah, yeah of course. Always.”

She smiles at him and turns into her room. JJ’s too tired to try and decipher what just happened. He carries Kie into her room and gently sets her on her bed, smirks as she curls up like a cat around the pillow. He sits on the edge of her bed and pulls her boots off because it seems like the decent thing to do. She looks to be asleep when he glances back at her, snoring lightly with her dark curls sprawled across her shoulders. She looks beautiful, peaceful, and incredibly  _ human _ ; fragile and vulnerable in sleep. It’s a far cry from the ethereal goddess his brain would sometimes make her out to be, but still just as intangible. 

He’s tempted to crawl in beside her, wrap an arm around her waist and tug her close to her chest, hold her safe in his arms. Not that he’s exactly sure what he’d be keeping her safe from, the threat level of this giant Kook apartment is non-existent. Maybe he’s the one looking to feel safe from invisible threats. 

Either way, he doesn’t do that. He was desperate last night and his brain had been fuzzy and vulnerable from  _ two _ panic attacks. He’s not desperate tonight. Tonight, he’s just tired and pinning. So he turns and heads for his own room. 

He hears Kiara call his name as he reaches the doorway. When he turns around she’s fully awake, sitting up with her head tilted to the side. “Where are you going?” 

JJ frowns at her. “Uhh, to my room? Ya know, to sleep.” 

“You can’t do that,” she responds matter of factly. 

  
“I can’t?” 

“No!” she exclaims, then asks seriously, “what if you have another nightmare?” 

  
He clenches his jaw, half bothered by the reminder of his weakness and half touched by the concern. Those two things tend to conflict a lot in his brain. But she’s just drunk, so he responds sarcastically. “You know what, I have Sophie the Stegosaurus to keep me company. I’ll be just fine. Go to sleep, Kie.” 

“I can’t!” she exclaims dramatically, fighting to pull her shirt off, “it's so fucking hot in here!”

Good  _ lord, _ she’s drunk.

JJ spins around on his heels. “And I think that's my cue.” 

“No! JJ, wait!” 

He turns around and then has to immediately clamp his hand over his eyes as Kiara has apparently decided to remove her bra as well as her shirt. “Fucking hell, woman,” he mutters to himself. Pulls off his own shirt and tosses it at her. “Put that on or I’m leaving.” 

Kiara just giggles, but he thinks he hears her shuffling to get to grab the shirt. 

“God, it’s like you’ve never seen boobs before.” 

“I think you know that I’ve seen plenty of boobs but I like it to be a consensual, relatively sober boob viewing.” 

“Aww, you listen to my rants on consent.” 

“It’s called being a decent fucking person.” 

  
“You can open your eyes now.” 

When he does, she’s got his shirt on but is now on her back trying to unbutton her jeans. 

JJ’s too fucking tired for this. “Alright, I’m out.” 

“No!” Kiara exclaims before he can even turn around. “Fuck, I can’t them off. JJ, you have to help me.” 

  
JJ can’t believe he heard her right. “Take your pants off?!?”

  
“Don’t say it like that, you’re always bragging about how good you are at it, shut up and put your man whoring to use!” 

If she wasn’t so incredibly drunk he might be a little offended. 

“I thought you were against slut-shaming, Kie? You know that goes for men, too. There’s a huge double standard there–” 

“Okay! Okay! I’m sorry, that was mean. I need your help! Please? Pretty please?” 

  
She _literally_ bats her eyelashes at him and JJ gives in with a sigh and a mutter of, “Jesus Christ,” as walks to the edge of the bed. 

She’s gotten them past her ass but gave up after that and left the pants bunched up around her thighs. “This is ridiculous,” he mutters to himself as he grabs onto the denim fabric, careful not to let his fingers graze her skin as he pulls the jeans down around her ankles. He tries and fails to keep his gaze from lingering on her legs, now bare against the sheets. Even in the darkness of the room, he can picture them in the daylight, the sun shining down on the four of them as they sit on Pogue but his eyes only on her; wearing one of her post-Kook year tiny bikinis, saltwater dripping down her long tan legs and gleaming in the sunlight. Makes him long to feel those legs wrapped around his hips, her hands in his hair, lips on his neck. 

Before he can even scold himself for being a horny creep, Kiara takes that exact moment to kick her legs upward and hit him with a faceful of denim. 

JJ coughs and tosses the jeans onto the floor. “That's the thanks I get for all my assistance?” 

Kiara grins at him, sits up. “You were staring.” 

“Kie, you asked me to take your fucking pants off. I’m only human.” 

A mischievous smile grows on her face and she pulls herself closer to him. 

“Kiara–” he warns desperately, but his brain is already too muddled to tell him to back the hell away. 

As if she was reading his mind, Kiara hooks her legs around his waist and tugs him closer so that there’s no room between his legs and the bed, and no space between them. She runs a soft hand up his side, trailing up his chest and grazing his neck before landing in his hair. JJ lets out a small moan as she tugs at it lightly, mumbles, “good  _ God,  _ give me strength,” as she starts to pull his head down to meet hers. 

It takes everyone ounce of willpower he has but JJ lifts his own hand behind his head and gently pulls hers out of his hair. Softly says, “Kiara, stop.” 

She looks up at him, searching his face, a tinge of hurt in her eyes.

“Don’t get me wrong, this is  _ tempting _ , really. So fucking tempting that I’m gonna have to go to use the bathroom to take care of some  _ things  _ after this, but  _ you  _ are  _ so  _ drunk right now.” 

“I’m not!” 

“You are,” he responds firmly. “Kie, you had a lot to drink and you’re not thinking clearly. Hell, I’ll be shocked if you even remember this in the morning.” 

“JJ–” 

“I’m not going to take advantage of you like that.” 

  
Kiara scoffs. “You’re not _taking advantage of me--_ ” 

“Kiara!” It’s not a shout, more like a whisper yell, but it catches her attention. “I’m not gonna be another one of your drunken mistakes that you refuse to talk about. Okay? I can’t do that.” 

He doesn’t know why he let that slip out. Maybe because he knows she won’t remember this in the morning. 

The lust in her eyes is gone, replaced with something softer. Sympathy. Guilt, maybe. Her voice is tender as she says, “JJ–” but he doesn’t let her finish. 

“I’m gonna go to bed, in my  _ own  _ room. I think you should do the same.” 

She nods slightly, releases her grip on him, and crawls back to the front of the bed. 

“Night Kie.” 

*** 

JJ’s not sure what time it is when he hears his bedroom door creak open. He’d passed out as soon as he flopped onto the bed, worn out from the day and desperate to escape his thoughts. 

He props himself up on his arms and watches Kie quietly tiptoe into his room and sit at the edge of his bed, making him think about himself in the same position only last night. 

“I’m sorry I woke you,” she says quietly. She sounds as though she’d been crying. 

Guilt creeps through his gut.  _ Great you made her cry. Nice fucking job JJ.  _

He sits up straight to look at her, softly says, “hey, Kie, what's wrong?” 

“I can’t sleep,” she responds, voice just as tentative. 

JJ sighs, says, “Alright, c’mere,” and opens his arms. 

Kiara smiles shyly at him and crawls into his embrace, settles down with his arm around her shoulders and her head cushioned between his neck and shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.” 

JJ bites his lip. “It's fine.” 

It’s really not, but he doesn’t know how to have that conversation with sober Kiara, let alone drunk, half asleep Kiara. And he’s ninety-five percent sure she will not remember much of this in the morning. 

She doesn’t say anything after that. Wakes up three times in the night to go puke, JJ goes with her for each one. Holds her hair out of her face and rubs small circles on her back as she vomits into the toilet, then scoops her up and carries her back to the bed when she’s done. 

He lies on his back and Kiara settles down her stomach, half lying on him with her head on his chest. JJ’s half asleep when she says his name, quietly into the darkness of the room. 

“Yes, Kiara?” he responds tiredly. 

“Do you still love her?” 

He’s not sure what he expected her to say but it sure as hell wasn’t  _ that.  _ He’s not sure where that came from or why she even cares when she’s drunk and sleeping on his chest at three AM, but she asks it like it’s a simple  _ yes or no  _ question. He’s not sure how he’d respond to that if she asked him sober, let alone right now. 

So he softly says, “go back to sleep Kie,” and rubs his thumb against her shoulder. 

“Okay,” she responds quietly, her breath evening out within seconds. Eventually, JJ’s does the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thinking about renaming this "how many times can I make JJ and Kie kiss/almost kiss before they have to confront their blatant feelings for each other" the is SoOn. but then again the last two chapters were supposed to be one chapter so I don't trust myself lol. this is verY close to being done. That being said *important things* are happening in the next chapter so it might take me a tad longer. I would be surprised if it took me longer than two weeks but I'd hate to make a promise I can't keep so we'll see. As always big shout out to YellowLaboratory for being an amazing beta and even better friend asfjdsfhsjf lots of love. Also, I feel like RoseofWinterfell deserves a shoutout for helping me out big time with all the "sexy" stuff in this chapter LOL (this is not the first time I've had to ask for help with that :) aaanywho also shoutout to everyone who comments and leaves kudos, I love you guys a lot!! It makes this really rewarding and just makes me happy so big thanks! <3 <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! songs for this chapter are Last Night (Beer Fear) by Lucy Spraggan, cowboy like me, and this me trying, both by Taylor swift (Not sure if anyone notices, but I like taylor swift :) anywho this chapter was a pain in my ass. I hope you enjoy!

_ Last night I told ya I loved ya _

_ Woke up, blamed it on the Vodka _

_ I genuinely thought I was dyin' _

_ And I could see that smile you were hiding _

_ Last night I told ya I need ya _

####  _ That's the last time I drink Tequila _

Kiara wakes up to a woodpecker banging a hole through her skull, the nauseating taste of Tequila in her mouth, and an unflattering view of JJ’s nostrils. 

Last night comes back to her in blurry images of dancing, a hot blonde chick, and JJ’s arm around her, a faint picture of him pulling her jeans off, his eyes on her as the fabric came down, his fingertips careful not to graze her skin. She remembers wishing they had. 

“Oh  _ God,”  _ she mutters helplessly, rubbing a hand over her face. Her being horny for JJ isn’t exactly anything out of the ordinary, but why else would have been pulling her fucking pants off?

_ Maybe it was a dream?  _

She glances down and her jeans are in fact nowhere to be seen, her legs are bare, her hips just nearly covered by the black T-Shirt JJ had been wearing under his sweater. And she’s not wearing a bra. She could have sworn she put one on last morning. 

She tries to think of a reasonable explanation for that and comes up blank. 

_ Fuck.  _

Her body is tired and sore as she rolls off of him and sits up. Kiara does her best not to panic, tries to stir up any more memories from after they left the bar, vaguely remembers puking, his hand on her back. That shouldn’t mean anything. There’s no way she could have had sex with JJ and then  _ forgot _ . Right? Would it even be such a big deal if they did? JJ has casual sex all the time, it probably won’t even be a big deal to him. Should she tell him it’s a big deal to her? 

As if on cue, JJ stirs, rolling into the space she occupied and opening an eye, surprised that she’s not where he remembered her being. 

He glances up and smiles at her. “Mornin, ya filthy drunkard.” 

Kiara swallows hard, she has to fucking know. 

“JJ– um... I’m really sorry, but I– I can’t remember... Umm, did …” She trails off, curses herself for stumbling over words like an idiot. 

JJ’s seemingly still half asleep and looking up at her like she has three heads. 

“Did we fuck last night?” she blurts out in a rush, fiddling nervously with her hands. 

JJ sits up a little and squints at her, “did we what? Oh.” 

A look of hurt flashes across his face and guilt stirs in her stomach.  _ Shit,  _ they totally did. Of course he’s upset that she can’t even fucking  _ remember  _ it. 

“Kie, you were so drunk you could barely walk. I had to carry you to your bed, do you really think I would do that?” He sounds genuinely offended and her stomachs churns with guilt. She hadn’t even thought of that. 

“No!” She responds quickly, trying to cover for her mistake, “no, of course not. No, you wouldn't– I’m sorry. It’s just I’m wearing your shirt and I have this memory of you–” She cuts herself off at that because,  _ fuck,  _ what if the pants thing really  _ was  _ a dream? 

“Of me taking your pants off?” he suggests with a smirk. 

“Why–” 

  
“You were hot. You insisted you needed help.” 

Kiara laughs pitifully at herself, pulls the covers over her face, mutters, “and your shirt?” 

“You were hot,” he repeats. “Pulled off your sweater  _ and  _ bra, so I uh- had you put my shirt on.” 

“Oh  _ God, _ ” Kiara mumbles from beneath the sheet. 

JJ just laughs, says, “yup,” popping the P. 

She pulls the covers down to look at him, “did I do anything else morbidly embarrassing?” She isn't sure she wants to know the answer. 

JJ hesitates for half a second then shakes his head. “Nope. Nope, I think that was it.” 

Kiara’s not sure she believes him, but if he’s keeping it from her then she  _ definitely  _ doesn’t want to know. And she’s too tired and nauseous to try and pry it out of him. 

So she just groans.“I feel like shit.” 

“Shocker.” 

“Why don’t you feel like shit?” 

“Because unlike you,  _ I  _ know how to practice self-control.” 

Kiara throws her arms over her head. “Nope. That can’t be true. I’m dreaming.” 

JJ pinches her arm. 

“Ow!” 

“Not dreaming.” 

She turns her head to glare at him. “Who are you and  _ what  _ have you done with JJ?!” 

“I killed him. I’m his evil twin …. Jebidiah Joe.” 

Kiara snorts. “Really? Jebiadah Joe is the best you could come up with?” 

JJ shrugs. “Do you want me to get you some Motrin and toast or something?” 

“Oh my god, could you?” 

He moves to get up, pulls on a pair of jeans. Kiara looks the other way. 

“Yeah, no problem.” 

  
“You’re my favorite person.” 

JJ laughs. “I’d fuckin better be, after carrying your ass kicking and screaming out of a bar and up to this tall ass apartment. And that's not including you waking me up in the middle of the night to puke. Like three times.” 

Kiara gasps – if he carried her up to the apartment… “Oh my god, the elevator. Shit, were you okay?” 

  
He shrugs. “We made it here in one piece.” 

“I am  _ so  _ sorry, JJ,” she says as genuinely as she can. It probably doesn’t express how shitty she feels or how grateful she is, but it’s all she’s got. 

JJ just shrugs again. “It's all good. You’ve dragged me out of shittier situations.” 

Kiara shakes her head, his nonchalance almost making her feel worse. “No seriously, yesterday was really great and then I went and ruined it.” 

He rolls his eyes at that, sits back down on the bed. “Okay, well, now you’re just being dramatic. Yesterday was still the most fun I've had in a long time, and you’ve taken care of my drunk ass plenty of times, so don’t go beating yourself up over it. Plus, I wanna tease the shit out of you for it and I can’t do that if you’re all in your guilty feels.” 

Kiara lets out a small laugh, looks up to meet his eyes. They’re teasing, but sincere, and he’s smiling a little. 

It makes her feel better, relieved, less guilty. She knows she should probably thank him, let him know how grateful she is, instead she deadpans, “you should be a motivational speaker.” 

JJ grins. “Anytime, babe.” 

“Don’t call me that!” 

  
“I carried you up an _elevator_.” 

_ “JJ! _ ” She hisses, but there’s a smile on her lips. 

“Held your hair back while you puked!” 

Kiara groans, flops onto the bed, and buries her head in the pillows. 

“ _ Bye, JJ.”  _

“I’m going  _ right now  _ to brave your family  _ alone  _ for some pain killers.” 

“Thank you, love you, please stop talking.” 

***

Kiara feels better after eating some food and taking the Motrin, tries and fails to go back to sleep. JJ, on the other hand, passes out as soon as he gets back and she has to wake him up to get dressed for breakfast before heading to her own room to do the same. 

Abigail's room is across from JJ and, of course, she walks out of her room at the same time Kiara does, pauses for a moment, gives her a funny look, and Kiara’ abruptly reminded that she’s still wearing JJ’s shirt. 

“No, we didn-” 

But she’s already walking away, an entertained grin on her face. 

Kiara groans, deeply regrets everything her last night self did, even if she can’t remember most of it. 

_ And you asked me to dance _

_ But I said, "Dancing is a dangerous game" _

_ Oh, I thought _

_ This is gonna be one of those things _

_ Now I know _

_ I'm never gonna love again _

_ I've got some tricks up my sleeve _

_ Takes one to know one _

####  _ You're a cowboy like me _

Kiara can tell that news of _scandalous_ night out had gotten around quickly by the disapproving looks and barbed passive-aggressive comments her Grandmother keeps tossing not-so-discreetly at her and JJ. And by the way the rest of the _followers_ in her family refuse to meet her eyes. Things had been going so well, Kiara had forgotten how quickly her family could turn, like a gang of fucking cobras. Kiara is no stranger to her Grandmother's disapproval, has been dealing with her mother’s all her life, so she holds her head up high and ignores the bullshit. JJ shrinks under their gaze though, his eyes down and his jaw tight. She knows that he too is no stranger to judgment and disapproval from Kooks, but his defense for that is actively _trying_ to piss them off. She basically dropped him in the lions with his hands tied. 

Kiara can see her grandmother adding last night to the list of reasons why he’s a  _ corrupting  _ influence that she can’t be around. Nothing that had happened last night had been in any way his fault, in fact, he was a goddamn saint about it, her mistakes were hers and her’s alone. Kiara’s okay with that, prefers it actually, but being the entitled pompous asshats they are, her family would raise the dead to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. 

And as if she didn’t feel bad enough about it, JJ is  _ trying  _ so  _ hard  _ to impress them, to at the very least get them to tolerate him. Kiara’s not one to go around trying to protect masculine pride, but forcing JJ to suck up to her bitchy Kook family just seems cruel. Still, there’s a small, selfish part of her that’s glad he’s here. 

She  _ really  _ hates Sarah Cameron right now. 

***

They spend the day out in the city having some mentally exhausting  _ family time  _ and it’s getting dark by the time they get back to the apartment. While the rest of her family immediately starts preparing for her grandmother’s Christmas Eve party, Kiara pulls JJ into her room with her and flops unceremoniously onto the bed, lying on her back. JJ plops down beside her in the same position, says, “you know, I’m kinda getting the vibe they’re pissed off.” 

Kiara scoffs, says dryly, “I’m getting that too,” then props herself up on her elbow to face him, “we just have to get through this party. We’re leaving to see my dad’s family tomorrow morning if we make it through the fucking night.” 

  
“You’re so melodramatic,” he says with a smirk. 

“It’s a Kook Party JJ. Like Midsummers but the Yankee version.”

JJ thinks about that for a moment. “I did almost get my ass beat at Midsummers once.” 

“See.” 

“Pretty sure everything that happened that summer was a fever dream though. And I haven’t threatened any of these people's friends with a gun lately so we should be safe in that department.” 

“It's still gonna fucking suck.” 

He rolls onto his side facing her, a playful glint in his eyes as he takes her hand and dramatically says, “at least we have each other,” while lightly stroking the side of her face with the knuckles of his free hand. 

Kiara ignores the spark in her chest at the feeling of his hand brushing against her face, laughs and shoves him in the shoulder, playfully says, “get off of me.” 

As per usual, JJ overreacts to her light shove and throws himself down on the bed. 

“We’re gonna need to change,” she says with a sigh.

JJ groans. “Suit again?” 

“Yup. You remember how to tie the tie?” 

“Yeah, yeah I got it.” 

“Cool. You should go now.” 

“I should.” 

She kicks at his legs. “ _ JJ. _ ” 

He sighs and pulls himself up off the bed. “Alright, alright I’m goin. So bossy.” 

*** 

She’s just gotten her dress on when JJ knocks on the door, she yells for him to come in. She has her back turned when he enters, and he’s starring when she turns around. Gaze incredibly soft, a small smile tugging at his lip. It was absolutely not an option for Kiara  _ not _ to wear a dress, so she and her mom picked out a sleeveless red velvet one that came about to her ankles, the neck cut just low enough to still be deemed  _ respectable _ . As far as dresses go, she doesn’t hate it.

Kiara feels the warmth of a blush start to creep across her cheeks so she twirls to ease the tension, curtsies at the end, and mimics her grandmother's voice saying, “Kook Princess, at your service.” 

JJ laughs, pulls his lips into a goofy frown, fiddles with his tie, and says, “Business!Ken reporting for duty!” 

She grins back at him. “Nice tie.” 

“Why thank you. It only took me five tries.” 

She laughs lightly and rolls her eyes. “Of course it did.”

Kiara turns to her dresser to pick up the gold and pearl necklace on her dresser. It’s the only piece of expensive jewelry she owns, her mom gave it to her for her eighteenth birthday, and she had gotten it for  _ her  _ eighteenth. It means a lot to her mom that she wears it every once in a while, so Kiara figured it would be okay to have  _ one  _ really expensive necklace. It’s not like she bought it or anything. 

She pulls it up to her neck and tries and fails to hook the clasp, groans in annoyance as she fails for the third time. 

“You good there?” JJ asks, he’s lying on his stomach on the bed, scrolling through his phone. 

“ _ Necklaces,”  _ she hisses in response. 

JJ looks up at that. “Need help?” 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah sure.” 

He gets up off the bed and takes the necklace out of her hands, for some reason the light graze of his skin again makes her stomach flutter. Kiara swallows and turns around so he can’t see the heat on her face. 

She doesn’t even realize she’d left her hair in his way until she feels JJ’s fingertips graze the back of her neck as he shifts the vast array of curls from her back to her shoulder. Then his hands are coming around in front of her and placing the necklace around her neck, he’s specifically trying to avoid touching her, but the course pads of his fingertips land on her skin anyway. It sends shivers down her spine like a cruel tease, makes her want  _ more.  _ Makes her want to feel the coarseness of his calluses against her bare skin, the warmth of his lips on her neck– 

“Got it!” JJ exclaims excitedly, violently startling her out of her daydreaming. She can feel the absence of warmth around her as he backs away and hears him sit down on the bed. Has to swallow hard to regain her composure before turning back around. 

JJ grins when she does, says, “beautiful,” in a soft way that makes her stomach do a summersault but he still sounds casual enough that there’s nothing she can actually make of it. 

So she grins cockily at him and says, “right back at you, babe.” 

His jaw drops open in mock offense. “So you can call me babe but I can’t call you babe?” 

Kiara shrugs and nods in agreement.

“This is sexism.” 

“Oh my god–”

“Double standard.”

“You’re ridiculous.” 

He flashes her a shit-eating grin. “I learned from the best.”

Before Kiara can defend herself the door creaks open and they both turn to see Abigail walk in, a hand over her eyes. She peaks through her fingers and says, “cool, everyone’s clothed.” 

“You could have just  _ knocked, _ ” Kiara responds, exasperated. 

Abigail shrugs. 

Kiara rolls her eyes. “What do you want?” 

“I just figured I should warn you that the party will be starting soon. If you’re not out soon the Wicked Witch might just have your head.” 

Kiara groans. “How bad is it?” 

“Pretty bad.” 

“Great.” 

“Hey, at least you guys leave tomorrow,” she says with a pout, folding her arms, “I’m stuck with these nutjobs.” 

  
Kiara winces. “So sorry, kiddo.” 

“We could always kidnap you,” JJ chimes in brightly. 

Abigail's face lights up and Kiara shakes her head. 

“No, no we cannot.” 

Abigail sticks her tongue at her, “you’re no fun. I like your boyfriend better.” 

JJ grins, says, “ayy!” and reaches over to fist-bump her. 

Kiara lets out a sigh and shakes her head. “Is that all?” 

“Just get out there, I’m sick of hearing them talk shit about you,” Abigail responds, turning and walking out the door. 

Kiara sighs, turns to JJ. “One more night.” 

“One more night,” he agrees. 

***

When Kiara isn’t being forced to socialize, she and JJ stand in the back corner and make a game of guessing at each couple’s backstory and imitating them in over dramatic voices. It’s the most fun Kiara’s ever had at one of these parties. 

A slow dance comes on and all the couples get up to dance. Maybe it’s the spiked punch she’s been drinking, but Kiara takes JJ’s hand and pulls him onto the dance floor with a slight cry of protest. 

He just stands there awkwardly for a moment, says nervously, “Kie, I don’t know how to–” 

  
Kiara laughs. “Relax, we’re not waltzing,” she grabs his hands and places them on her hips, “you just put your hands here,” brings her own arms up to his shoulders and laces her fingers together behind his neck, “and I put my hands here, and we just sway to the music.” 

He swallows and nods, does as she says. 

“See? It’s not that hard. You’d think you’d never danced with a girl before.” 

“Yeah, well, slow dancing at school dances was more of John B’s thing.” 

“Ah right, I forgot about teenage JJ’s one-track mind,” she counters teasingly. 

JJ frowns, furrows his eyebrows, and scoffs. “It’s not like any of them were interested in holding my hand around town and shit.” 

“Maybe you just never gave anyone a chance.” She doesn’t think about the way her voice softens as she says that, the way her mind drifts to what he said about never having a girlfriend again. 

JJ doesn’t notice, he just laughs. “Believe me when I say you were the only girl in high school that had any interest in being seen with me outside of a party.” 

“I guess I was the only girl who knew you,” she responds warmly, trying desperately not to think about the weight behind her words. 

“Yeah,” JJ agrees, smiling softly, his voice is quiet and weighed down with emotion as he says, “somethings just never change.” 

When Kiara meets his eyes, they’re filled with warmth and affection, but there’s something sad behind them that she can’t quite place. Her gaze flits upward to his hair. He had tried to tame it himself so it’s gotten a little frizzy, a couple of pieces jutting out onto his forehead. She wants to run her hands through it, get it all wild and tousled the way it belongs. Before her brain can catch up, her hand is sliding up and she’s twirling the strands at the nape of his neck between her fingers, her fingernails scraping gently at his skin. 

A small shuddery breath escapes his lips, followed by, “ _ Kie _ .” 

“Yes?” she responds, her own voice quiet and breathy, stepping closer into his space. His head is dipped down, avoiding her gaze, if she stood up on her tiptoes their foreheads would meet. Her gaze falls to his lips, the temptation to close the space between them overpowering the common sense in her brain screaming  _ he doesn’t want this! _

JJ breaks away from her just as she leans in, now standing a foot away from her in the middle of the dance floor, couples swaying around them. 

Kiara bites her lip in a sad attempt to hold back the embarrassing tears that are threatening to spill out, stares at the ground, her hands on her hips. 

When she looks up JJ has a hand cupped over his mouth that he then runs through his hair, looks back at her with an expression like a deer in headlights. 

“I– I have to take a piss.” 

And just like that he’s gone, leaving her standing alone in the middle of the dance floor. 

####  _ And it's hard to be at a party _

_ When I feel like an open wound _

_ It's hard to be anywhere these days _

_ When all I want is you _

_ You're a flashback in a film reel _

_ On the one screen in my town _

Kiara swallows hard and blinks any betraying tears out of her eyes, starts to make her way over to the drinks table. Part of her is furious, she never imagined there would come a day where  _ she  _ would be practically  _ throwing herself  _ at a man who is clearly not interested. Then again, that’s just the fucking thing; he’s  _ not  _ clearly uninterested. He flirts with her and gives her every signal that he’s into it before pulling back at the last second. It’s fucking exhausting and Kiara’s pretty sure JJ isn’t  _ trying  _ to fuck with her emotions, but he  _ is.  _ She promised herself she wasn’t going to let her feelings get in the way of their friendship, but at this point, it’s starting to seem like the best thing to do for herself would be to put some distance between them. Just the thought of it makes her feel like someone dropped a bag of lead in her stomach. 

“Trouble in paradise?” 

Kiara turns, startled, to face a tall man with sharp features and calculating dark blue eyes. She inwardly groans as she recognizes him as Charles Xander, the grandson of a close friend of her grandmother. He’s had a thing for her since she was fourteen and takes her lack of interest in him as a challenge. Views her as a shiny prize that he can win and hang on his arm. He was without a doubt who grandmother was planning on setting her up with. Exactly who  _ JJ  _ was supposed to be protecting her from. But he’s off somewhere being the manbaby he is, so she’ll have to do what she’s done every other year and deal with it herself. 

“None of your business, Charles,” she says harshly.

He just laughs. “I’ll take that as a yes.” 

“Take it as a  _ please leave me alone _ .” 

He leans closer to her, voice suddenly serious. “Kiara, if that–” he pauses, swallowing his words, “ _ man  _ is bothering you, just let me know. I’ll take care of it.” 

  
Kiara snorts, then laughs, rubs her hand across her face. “Please, you go find him. I’d love to watch him kick your ass.” 

Charles scoffs and pulls away. “You know, Kiara, I’m not the one who’s made you upset here. Why are you acting like I’m the bad guy?” 

“Because JJ is a better person than you’ll ever be and what’s going on in our relationship is none of your business so I’m asking you  _ nicely  _ to  _ please  _ just leave me alone!” She hisses, has all she can do not to flat out scream at him, before spinning around and walking away. 

Charles jogs to catch up with her and jumps out to block her path.

“Move,” Kiara snarls. 

“Look, I’m sorry. You’re right it’s none of my business but please,” he smiles sweetly at her, “ just one dance.” 

For a split moment, she considers how jealous JJ might be if he walked back in to find her dancing with someone else. Then the moment passes and she silently cusses him out for ripping her dignity to shreds. 

“I’m going to tell you what I’ve been telling you for  _ eight years; no _ . And by that, I do not mean,  _ I’m playing hard to get _ , I mean,  _ no.  _ Fuck off.” 

  
This time when she tries to walk away Charles grabs her and pulls her back to face him. 

“Let go of me!” She hisses. 

“Not until you tell me what your damn problem is! I’ve been nothing but polite to you for  _ eight years  _ and won’t so much as dance but now you’re all over some white trash tweakers kid?” 

  
“I said, let _go_ ,” she grits out between teeth, using every ounce of restraint she has not to punch him in the face. 

Shockingly, Charles does not let go. Instead, he continues, spite from his wounded pride dripping from his voice, “you know, I always used to think you were turning me down because you were just too much of a prude, but it turns out it was just the opposite wasn’t it? You were too busy fucking all three of your little poorhouse pets.” 

Kiara’s slap echoes throughout the entire room, turning every set of eyes to her.

It’s not like it wasn’t an insult she hadn’t heard a million times before, and it’s not like he wasn’t just saying it because he knew it would hurt her the most, but after the day she’d had, Kiara fucking snapped. 

Charles turns back to her, hand covering his face. She thinks she sees tears willing in his eyes but there is also a malicious smile curling on his lips at the sight of all eyes on her. 

Kiara swallows hard and squeezes her eyes shut as tears start to well up behind them. As if her whole family wasn’t already furious with her. Her grandmother is actually going to fucking kill her. The heavy gaze of all the eyes in the room feels like it’s crushing her as she spins around on her heels and all but sprints towards her room. 

She literally runs into JJ in the hallway, who laughs when she collides with him, naturally rests his hands on her biceps to steady her, and obliviously says, “hey, Kie, we need to talk.” 

“Not  _ now,  _ JJ!” she spits back, shoving him in the chest to push him away. 

He reels backward with his hands raised, staring at her like she has two heads as he studies her face. His posture relaxes and leans towards her when he realizes she’s crying, his voice instantly softens. “Kie, what happened? What's wrong?” 

  
Kiara just rolls her eyes, harshly repeats, “I said not _now,_ JJ,” and walks into her room, slamming the door behind her. 

Once alone Kiara takes a shuddering breath and bites her lip, letting the tears slide silently down her face. She doesn’t even have time to crawl into her bed before the door creaks open. 

“For fucks sake, JJ, not n–” she stops mid-sentence as she spins around and comes face to face with her grandmother. 

“Grandmother!” she exclaims in surprise, swipes at her wet face with the backs of her hands. “What? What are you doing here?” 

“I need to speak with you,” she responds, apparently immune to Kiara’s teary face. 

“Uhm… does it have to be right now?” Kiara asks, her voice cracking silently, opening her arms as if to motion to the mess she is. 

“Yes  _ now _ !” Julianne snaps, “I am sick and tired of your behavior, and as much you might want to, I will  _ not  _ put off this conversation any longer.” 

“Oh my God,” Kiara groans, turning away from her and squeezing her forehead as she tries to regain her composure.

“Hey! Don’t turn your back to me when I’m talking to you, Kiara.”

It takes all of her willpower not to snap back. Instead, she takes a deep breath and turns back around on herself. “Look, Grandmother now is  _ really  _ not a good time.” 

“That’s not up to you to decide.” 

Kiara lifts her eyes to the ceiling, a dry chuckle escaping her. “Wow. Thank you  _ so much _ for your kind understanding. I am not a child anymore, you know–”

“Then stop acting like one!” Kiara takes a startled step back at the harshness of her grandmother's tone. “You waltz into our home with that  _ boy,  _ spend all day God knows where and then stumble home drunk? I will not stand for this kind of behavior in my family–” 

“–Seriously?” Kiara fires back before her grandmother can finish her sentence. “Look, I’m sorry if me having a few drinks last night offended you, but you are not in charge of how I live my life! If I want to go out and have a drink while on holiday, frankly, it is none of  _ your _ business!” 

“It most certainly  _ is _ my business!” She takes a step towards Kiara, anger flashing on her face. “You are part of  _ this  _ family – a guest to our home – and therefore I expect you to behave accordingly!”

Kiara scoffs, rolling her eyes. “That is such  _ bullshit _ ,” she mutters under her breath. 

  
Her grandmother raises a finger at her, hisses, “I do not appreciate your attitude or your language, young lady.” 

“Oh my god, I don’t  _ care _ !” Kiara snaps without thinking. It’s been years since she’s had a real fight with her mother, she slips easily back into the routine. Cringes at how she sounds like a teenager again, she’d forgotten how easily she gets riled up and how much she hates these kinds of fights. 

“Well, you’d better start caring  _ right now  _ if you’d like to remain part of this family! And the first thing you can do is break it off with that trailer trash redneck you brought along with you!” 

“Ah. There it is,” Kiara says, a sardonic smile on her face. “So that’s what this really is about, isn’t it? JJ.” 

  
Her grandmother's voice is suddenly cool and very calm as she asks, “Are you pregnant?” 

Kiara just blinks for a moment, trying to make sure she heard that right. 

“Excuse me?” 

“You heard me.” 

A humorless laugh escapes her lips. “Wow. You really are serious.” She sends a poignant look to her grandmother, squares her shoulders and folds her arms in front of herself. “And what if I was? Would you throw me out on the street like you did Mom?” 

It instantly feels like the air was just sucked out of the room. 

Her grandmother’s standing perfectly still in front of her, an unreadable expression on her face. Her voice is steely and cold and unnervingly calm when she responds, “Your mother was given a choice and she made her decision. She didn’t choose us. She learned her lesson the hard way and swallowed her pride and came back to us so that  _ you  _ could have the opportunities she had growing up. Don’t make the same mistakes your mother did.” 

Tears start to prick at her eyes again and she can feel her lip quivering, but she still manages to say, “So that’s what I am, to you? A  _ mistake? _ ” 

  
For the first time a hint of regret flashes across her grandmother's face. “That’s not what I–” 

“Oh, but it is,” Kiara responds quickly, cutting her off, “it is. I’ve always been an embarrassment to you, even before I was  _ born _ !”

The regret in her grandmother's eyes fades as quickly as it came and the ice returns. “You know what, Kiara? No, you were not always an embarrassment to me, but you’ve certainly turned into one _._ You have _no_ respect for your elders, you’ve spent years fighting your mother, refusing to listen to her and instead hanging around with those low lives – and now you’re parading one of them around as if he was someone to be _proud_ of. Just during this vacation alone you’ve gotten drunk beyond function in some skeevy bar and _assaulted_ one of my guests! This is not how people in _this_ family behave. You are either going to break it off with the boy, apologize to Charles, and clean up your act, or so help me God you will no longer be welcome here.” 

Kiara takes one quick moment, gulps down her angry tears. “Then I guess this is the last you’ll see of me,” she spits out through gritted teeth.

Her grandmother's eyes widen, clearly not expecting Kiara to give in that easily. “You don’t mean that,” she says, stubbornly and proudly. 

  
“No, I do. I’m not going to turn into the person you want me to be, and you clearly don’t want me here as I am. So I think it’s probably for the best.” 

It’s clearly not at all how her grandmother expected this argument to go and Kiara takes a small moment to revel in the fact that she’s caught her so off guard. Overall, though, this feels much more like a loss than a victory. 

“You need some time to think,” her grandmother decides, “you’re clearly upset right now. I’ll give you time to change your mind.” 

“I won’t,” Kiara rebuts without hesitation. 

Her grandmother doesn’t respond. She just walks away and closes the door behind her. 

Kiara’s mind flips back to yesterday morning, the warm feeling she’d gotten walking into a room full of family, how she’d realized she loves them despite all the reasons she should hate them. The realization that she just lost all of that makes her sick to her stomach. She can’t take it back – she doesn’t  _ want _ to, but it still fucking hurts.

She thinks she hears the sound of her mother's voice, arguing with her grandmother but she can barely make out any words as heavy sobs start to escape from her lips. Kiara doesn’t have the energy to walk over to her bed, just sinks to the ground, buries her head in her knees, and lets it out. 

She’s not sure how long it is before JJ comes in. She doesn’t even notice him until he’s sitting beside her.

“ _ Kie, _ ” he says, impossibly gentle. 

“Go away,” she mumbles into her knees. 

“I’m not gonna do that,” he responds, just as soft. “I’m not goin anywhere.” 

He says it like a promise. 

Kiara lifts her head, meets his clear blue eyes, all wide with concern and wanting to help. Her eyes drift down to his lips and linger there, he can at least take her mind off the  _ shit  _ night she’s having. Even if she knows it’ll break her heart in the morning when he tells her he can’t  _ be what she needs _ or whatever lame excuse he’ll find to soften the blow. Right now she doesn’t care. 

She doesn’t give JJ a chance to think about it and pull away before taking his face in her hands and kissing him. He freezes for a moment, surprised, but then he’s kissing her back in a way that assures her she’s not the only one who's been wanting this. 

_ Fucking finally.  _

They pull away for air and JJ says, “ _ Kiara _ ,” his voice breathy and labored, “we need too–” 

“Shh,” Kiara whispers back, pressing one finger to his lips and climbing into his lap, wrapping her legs around his waist. She pulls lightly on his hair to tip his head back, forcing him to meet her eyes. “I don’t wanna  _ talk,  _ I don’t wanna  _ think _ , I just want to do  _ this.”  _ She moves her hand from his lips to cupping the side of his face, leans down to whisper, her lips tickling his ear. “Can’t we just do this?”

  
JJ lets out a shaky sigh, the warm air of his breath hitting her neck, but then Kiara feels him shake his head. She pulls back to look at him, surprised. His eyes are glassy and his face is pained, but he is in fact shaking his head _no._

“ _ I can’t _ ,” he whispers. 

Kiara pushes herself off of him as fast as she can. She lets out a dry laugh, desperately trying to ignore the sinking feeling at the pit of her stomach, the tears building at the corner of her eyes. She should have known better. She should have  _ fucking  _ known better. Her heart sinks in her chest as she realizes that her grandparents might not be the only family she’s going to lose on this godforsaken trip. 

“You should go,” she says, trying to keep her voice from breaking.

JJ jumps up to his feet next to her and responds quickly, his voice urgent, 

“Kie, please – don’t do this.”

“Do what?” 

His eyes bore straight into hers, wide and earnest. Kiara folds her arms in front of her chest.

“Don’t push me away. Please, let’s – let’s talk.”

Tears are rolling over the rim of her eyes and she feels  _ so _ pathetic. “I just want to be alone, JJ,” she whispers. 

JJ’s tone softens. “Kie, I’m sorry, I–”

  
“Stop!” she cuts him off, his apology only makes her feel worse. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s _fine,_ just _go!”_ She spins around to face him, one hand flying out and pointing towards the door. 

It might be her tone, or maybe the sudden movement of her hands. JJ flinches. His tongue runs along the inside of his lower lip and he tightens his jaw in the way he does when he’s hurt and trying not to show it. His voice is tense but calm as he says, “You didn’t seem to want me to leave a second ago when you came onto me.” 

Kiara scoffs, fixes him with the coldest glare she can muster through freaking tears. “You really want to do this with me right now?” 

JJ’s mouth sets into a hard line, his shoulders stiff. “Do  _ what? _ Actually talk about something?” 

  
“Oh, because all of a sudden you’re the _king_ of communication now?” she snaps without thinking. Regrets it as JJ’s glare hardens. 

His voice is strained but calm as he says, “I just wanna know what’s going on with you.” 

“What's going on with me?” she asks incredulously, months of pent up pining and frustration finally bubbling over within her. She’s not some crazy person reading the signals wrong; she's seen the way his eyes linger on her when he thinks she isn’t looking. The way his jaw was hard and set as she made out with another girl in a bar last night. 

“I wanna know what's going on with  _ you _ !” she snaps, the hot, almost sickening adrenaline of anger pumping through her veins, “I’m not an idiot, JJ. I see how you look at me. You act like you want me and then you pull away at the last second and I don’t know what to fucking make of it!” JJ’s eyes are wide and stunned as he looks wordlessly at her. Kiara’s practically panting, her heart beating furiously in her chest. “I mean seriously, what is it?” she goes on. “Are you  _ that _ afraid I’ll want something serious? That it will ruin our friendship? I never thought sex would be that big of a deal since you’ve pretty much fucked half the girls on Kildare – hell  _ myself  _ included – and now you’re what? Some kind of gentleman all of a sudden?”

“Kie, slow down, what the fuck are you even on about?” he cuts her off, his expression baffled and his arms all jittery at his sides. “Who said  _ anything _ about having sex?”

“Is this another Amber thing?” she continues, undeterred, “Are you still so wrapped up in that psychopath that you can’t even bring yourself to even sleep with anyone else?” 

JJ winces as if she’d struck him. The words taste like acid coming off her tongue and she regrets them as soon as she says them, all her anger immediately replaced by stinging guilt at the pit of her stomach. She knows she’s gone too far, but it’s too late to take it back now. 

It takes JJ a moment to school his face into a hard, guarded expression that she hates to see directed at her. He motions between them with his pointer finger as he growls, “ _ This.  _ Has nothing to do with her.” He pauses, fixes her with a glare. “And that night was a mistake, you know it as well as I do. We were kids, we were both drunk and grieving and we made a mistake.” 

His words are like rubbing salt in a bleeding wound and tears start stinging at her eyes once again. Kiara has to tear her gaze away from him, focusing on the ground as he adds, “So  _ pardon me  _ if I don’t jump at the chance to be your fucking  _ comfort fuck  _ again.” 

Kiara’s head shoots back up at that. “My  _ what _ ?” 

“I think you heard me.” 

His implication that she’s just been looking to use him as a scratching post finally sinks in and the fact that he thinks so low of her somehow hurts more than rejection. 

“Do you honestly think I’m that fucking shallow?” she snaps back. 

JJ scoffs and rolls his eyes, arms open wide at his sides.“You tell me, Kiara! What the hell am I supposed to think when you only ever kiss me when you’re drunk or upset or both. You really wanna talk about what happened six years ago?” 

“Nothing happened, right? Just a  _ mistake, _ ” she spats out, his word from a moment ago still stinging.

To her utter confusion, JJ scoffs at the ceiling, runs a hand through his hair. He shakes his head at her, points a finger right at her chest. “ _ You’re _ the one who said it was just sex, Kiara. Remember?”

“Is that what this is about?” she asks incredulously, still somewhat taken aback “Something I said when I was  _ sixteen _ ? I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but in case you didn’t notice, romance was not my biggest priority back then.” 

“Jesus Christ.” He visibly deflates, runs a hand over his face. When he starts talking again, it’s more tired than angry. He looks up to face her, a vulnerability in his eyes that she rarely sees. He takes a deep, steadying breath and then he says, “That night meant something  _ different  _ to me than it did to you. I thought– I dunno I thought maybe something was going to … come of it. Which was stupid, I mean, we both had so much going on back then, it wouldn’t have worked if you wanted it too but… I just–” 

He cuts himself off, shuts his mouth. Kiara’s heart pounds recklessly into her ears.

“You just what, JJ?” 

“I just… can’t do this with you. Not again, okay? I know you’re just looking for a distraction – and that's fine, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I’m sorry Kie, I can’t. I can’t be that person for you.” 

It looks like it’s physically painful for him to say this. Kiara is rendered momentarily speechless, memories from the past years spinning in her head. She wasn’t misreading signals. In fact, he’s wanted to be with her long before she even understood how she felt about him. All this time, all this  _ fucking  _ time he wasn’t rejecting her. He had just managed to convince himself that she only wanted him as her personal fuck boy. She thinks back to what she told him six years ago when they finally found the guts to talk about  _ that night _ . She  _ did _ tell him that it was just sex. That it didn’t have to mean anything. JJ had agreed and brushed it off quickly, but looking back on the memory sends a spike of guilt through her gut. She didn’t think of it as a big deal at the time – JJ had always been so casual about sex she didn’t think he’d even care. But she can see now that he’s not  _ wrong,  _ the only times she’d ever been brave enough to kiss him have been when she was drunk and high off emotions. 

She doesn’t have a chance to form a response before JJ’s talking again. This time his voice is urgent, almost pleading. “You set a boundary that day,” he says, “you made it clear that you don’t want to be anything more than friends. And that's cool, I get it, I respect it. But you’ve gotta stop doing things like,” he motions to the spot on the floor where she’d kissed him, “ _ that. _ I  _ need  _ us to really be  _ just friends  _ for this to work. Can we do that? Please?” 

Kiara struggles to find the right thing to say as he searches her face for an answer, dips his head down, when he doesn’t find one, biting his lip so hard it looks like it's going to bleed. 

“ _ JJ _ ,” she says gently, walking over to where he’s standing. He doesn’t look up so she cups his face in her hands and directs his head up. Whispers, “Hey, hey. Look at me.”

He does, his blue eyes pleading a little bit afraid. “Can we please just forget all this happened?” he begs, “I don’t wanna lose you, Kie.”

Her heart does a somersault in her chest. She throws all caution to the wind and steps even closer to him, wraps her arms around his broad shoulders. He stiffens for a moment, then slowly relaxes in her arms. She leans her head closer to his, cheek against cheek. “You’re not going to lose me, silly,” she says. She pulls back, looks him square in his eyes – bright, and open, and so blue. She runs her fingertips over the smooth skin of his face and with a deep, grounding breath she finally tells him, “that night meant something to me too,” her tone switches from soft to playful as she says with a laugh, “it just took me six years to figure out what.” 

He blinks at her, something hopeful but still disbelieving in his eyes, so she kisses him. Softer,  _ kinder  _ than earlier, trying to express that this is about  _ so  _ much more than lust for her. Actions have always been easier for JJ to process than words. He doesn’t pull away this time, lets himself melt into her. 

She thinks he understands. At least he’s starting to get this gist. They’re both out of breath when they pull away. He’s looking down at her, his face a blend of confusion and fear and hope, she cups his face again, gently rubs a thumb back and forth across his cheek. Smiles as he closes his eyes and leans into her touch, lets out a soft sigh. 

She thinks he understands. 

“And for the record,” she adds in a more playful, but still genuine tone, “I know it’s shocking, but I actually like you for your  _ sparkling _ personality. The fact that you are, and I'll stroke your ego here,  _ very  _ good in bed, is just like…” she smiles at him, wrinkles her nose, “an added bonus.” 

“Yeah?” He asks quietly, flashing her his signature grin. His smile takes a weight off her shoulders and releases the heavy tension of the room. 

His hands slowly come to rest on her hips and Kiara smiles at him, lets her own hands fall from his face to rest on his shoulders, whispers back, “yeah.” 

He slips his hand over the curve of her ass and rests it on her thigh, bends down so that his lips are tickling her ear. Kiara’s breath hitches despite herself and JJ whispers in a low gravelly voice that sends shivers down her spine, “uno reverse card.” 

Kiara snorts, her head falling onto JJ’s shoulder as she breaks into giggles and he’s laughing too, arms coming to wrap around her back, his neck leaning against her head. 

“Did you actually just fucking say that?” she asks incredulously, still smiling as she leans back to face him, “way to kill the mood dumbass.” His hands stay securely wrapped around her as he lifts his head, a cheeky grin on his face. 

“What can I say, I’m a romantic at heart. Just call me John B.” 

“God, you’re such an idiot.” 

“Pretty sure I’m  _ your _ idiot now. No takesies backsies.” 

Kiara sighs and shakes her head at him, and her lips pull into a grin as she runs her fingers through his hair. “ _ My Idiot, _ ” she repeats like she’s trying out the words for the first time, “you know, I kinda like the sound of that.” 

He smirks and leans closer to her, lowers his voice. “Do you now?” 

Kiara smiles at him. “That means I can kiss you now, right?” 

JJ breaks into a brilliant grin, lets his hands slide farther down her backside. “Oh babe, you can kiss me whenever you fucking want.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY AMIRITE?? only took me 40k words and over a month to have them admit their BLATANT feelings for each other but then again this is Jiara and we worship the slows burn Idiots In Love. One chapter left woot woot, I have a lot of self-indulgent fluff planned so hehe hope everyone enjoys that. A month later it will finally Christmas in the next chapter because this *technically* a Christmas fic even though it's literally February but everything fine. 
> 
> many thanks of course YellowLabratory for staying up late to add important commas, incredibly confidence-boosting comments to my doc, and for talking me through my *WHICH TAYLOR SWIFT SONG DO I USE* crisis at 8am (I used both :) also a shout out to Jiara gc for listening to me complain abt how hard writing arguments is and then to lemon_drizzle_cake for offering to help write said arguments and then helping A LOT. actual lifesaver omg like you don't even wanna SEE the og draft of those scenes LOL. shes incredible my mind was blown. Also, its just occurred to me that the response to this fic has been like.... kinda huge? Like much thank?? I love you all very very much it makes me so happy that people are enjoying me rambling about these two idiots sdakjhdfh much thank. <3 <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo it's been like three but seeing as this little frickity fracker is 15k instead of like 8k I am giving myself a pass akjsfhdjsfhdg. And I feel like I should give out a heads up that when I said this was going to be "pure self-indulgent fluff" .... I lied. To you and myself. This chapter really just ran away from me alksjfds. All of the relationship fluff is still there and they love each other a lot they're just also both insecure and still working on the whole *communication* thing but they get there I promise. Still a lot of fluff... just not *pure* fluff. Also "implied sexual content" is now a tag so heads up for that ig but I am in no way shape or form a smut writer lol it's all fade to black and brief mentions. 
> 
> Anyway enough of me rambling, the songs for this chapter are Used to This by Camila Cabello, Vulnerable by Selena Gomez, Winter Dreams by Kelly Clarkson (also the Title song) peace, by Taylor Swift, and Temporary Love by Ben Platt
> 
> Enjoy!

_I say your name, just listen_

_Doesn't it sound different?_

_Never whispered it this way_

_It's gonna take me a minute_

####  _But I could get used to this_

JJ collapses beside her after his forearms literally give out and he has to push himself over to keep from falling on her. Kiara giggles, turns her head to face him, he’s staring up at the ceiling with his eyes closed, breathing heavily, his hair is damp with sweat and some strands of his bangs are stuck to his forehead. She’s tempted to reach out and brush them off, restrains herself out of sheer force of habit before remembering there’s no reason she _can’t._ He lets out a soft sigh as her fingers brush across his forehead, turns to the side to meet her eyes, a soft, embarrassed blush on his cheeks. 

Kiara smiles back at him reassuringly, lets her hand rest on the side of his face. 

“Tired?” She asks voice light and almost teasing. 

JJ closes his eyes, offers her a soft smile, and nods, making a small hum of agreement in the back of his throat. 

When he opens his eyes again, they’re light and teasing, his lips turned to a cocky grin.

  
“Still not big enough for you?” 

For a moment Kiara just blinks at him, trying to figure out what the hell he’s on about before remembering the comment she’d accidentally made on the plane, only _two days_ ago. Fuck, it feels like it’s been ages. 

“Have you grown?”

  
“Shut up.” 

Kiara smirks and shuffles closer to him, props herself up a little with her hands on his chest, and presses a kiss to his forehead. Whispers, “I have to pee.”

  
JJ juts out his lower lip and whines, “no!” holding the out “o” and settles his hands on the tops of her hips like he means to hold her there. 

“And I’m sweaty,” she continues, “If I don’t wash my wash my face, I’ll break the fuck out.” 

He smiles and reaches up to cup her cheek. “I don’t care.” 

“That's very sweet, but I’m still getting up.” 

He pouts at her but doesn’t stop her from rolling off the bed and onto the floor. Her legs shake a little bit when she stands, more tired than she was expecting. JJ’s hands are on her waist immediately, steadying her. When she glances down he’s looking up at her with a cocky grin. 

“ _Don’t_ say it,” she snaps. 

He replaces his grin with an innocent smile. “I didn’t say anything.” 

“I can hear you thinking it.” 

He considers that. “I– I mean _yes,_ but I didn’t _say_ it.” 

Kiara wrinkles her nose at him. Sees his black T-shirt still discarded on the floor from her taking it off earlier this morning, laughing quietly at herself for ever thinking she could have had sex with JJ and then _forgotten._ She can almost _feel_ his eyes on her as she bends down to pick it up, smirks at him over her shoulder as she pulls it down her body. 

JJ raises his eyebrows, “Hey, I’m allowed to look now right?” 

Kiara scoffs out a laugh and doesn’t bother to respond, walks over to grab his discarded boxers from the floor, and throws them at him, well aware of his shirt riding up as she bends over again. He doesn’t look away, and she doesn’t tell him to. 

Alone in the bathroom, the reality of what just happened finally crashes down on her. Her hair is an absolute mess, the lip gloss she was wearing is completely gone, and there’s a small hickey right on the center of her neck from where JJ had gotten too enthusiastic before she’d reminded they were trying not to leave any visible marks for her family to see. It should be easy enough to cover up in the morning. 

She had sex. Sex with JJ. Which might have been a stranger concept if it hadn’t already happened once before. This time was _so_ much different though – first of all, no one was crying. Well, she’s pretty sure JJ got a little misty-eyed a few times but for completely different reasons (it was very cute). She can’t help but acknowledge that he somehow got _better,_ which sixteen-year-old Kiara would never have believed. Everything was less rushed, although JJ would have taken his time the first go-round too if she let him. She did tonight, for the most part at least, the bastard gets a kick out of teasing her. She intends to get him back for that, hopefully soon. There was some emotional aspect that made it better, too. They were embracing something new instead of pushing down something bad, fueled by love instead of grief.

_Love._

Holy shit, she loves him. Not that she hasn’t always loved him, he’s been one of her best friends for years. She loves all the Pogues, but now she’s pretty sure she’s fucking _in love_ with him. And she thinks he feels the same way. It sends a rush of giddy excitement coursing through her. A small squeal escapes her lips before she clamps a hand over her mouth, spins in a circle not even caring how childish it feels. 

***

JJ stares up at the ceiling, hands folded beneath his head, trying to wrap his head around what’s just happened. He pinches himself several times trying to make sure he’s not dreaming. Kiara Carrera wants to be with _him._ Not just have sex with him – he’s known she would be down with that for a while – but actually be _with_ him. 

_Shit._ Does he still have to ask her to be his girlfriend? He’s pretty sure that's what she’s been implying she wants, but there’s a still tiny part of his brain that wonders if she just said all that shit to get him to shut up and fuck her. 

JJ hates that part of his brain. He knows it’s wrong, remembers the look of hurt on her face when she’s asked if he genuinely thought her that shallow. Kiara would never fucking do that. He’s an asshole to think that she would. But the longer she spends in the bathroom, the easier it gets for his brain to convince him she’s realizing this was a mistake, coming to her senses, and realizing that she deserves so much fucking better. JJ bites down hard on his lip and curses his stupid, insecure, paranoid brain. 

Then Kiara opens the bathroom door and smiles brightly at him and it all fades away.

She looks so damn good with his T-shirt hanging off her shoulders, falling about to the tops of her thighs. He’s officially decided that the only thing that's as hot as Kiara _not wearing any clothes_ is Kiara wearing _his_ clothes. 

She runs over and pounces on him, her knees landing on the mattress right beside his torso, her hands on his chest. She laughs as JJ grunts and smiles back up at her. 

“Hi.” 

Kiara grins at him, shifts her legs so she’s straddling his torso, and leans down to kiss him, slow and gentle, one hand running through his hair. 

She pulls back and looks down at him, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She reaches out and places her thumb on the spot where he’d been biting his lip. She looks like she’s going to say something but he takes her hand in his and squeezes it, moves his other hand to her back to steady her as he flips them over. 

Kiara smiles up at him, something so soft and affectionate in her eyes it makes a small blush creep along his cheeks that he hopes she doesn’t see. He resists the temptation to turn away and hide his face in the pillows, instead, he lifts one hand to cup the side of her face and kisses her again, trying to convey feelings he doesn’t know how to put into words. 

When they pull away, breathing heavily, JJ leans closer to her, his forehead against hers. Kiara reaches up to stroke the side of his face and he’s pretty sure his heart is about to beat straight out of his chest. 

He presses a kiss to her forehead and pulls away as it all gets to be too much to him, lies on his back, closes his eyes, and focuses on taking slow steadying breaths. He rubs the skin on his wrist to remind himself of what’s real. 

_This is real. This is happening. You deserve this._

He’s not sure he believes the last part, but it helps to repeat in his head anyway. Maybe someday he will. 

“Hey,” Kiara’s voice pulls back down to earth, she turned on her side, looking over at him with concern in her big brown eyes, “are you okay?” 

JJ offers a small smile and nods his head. “I’m good, I’m really fucking good. This is all just… _new_ for me.” He admits, then turns his head back down, not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. He should have just left it at “good” ; he's not sure when he became such an oversharer. Kiara’s been having that effect on him lately like she’s slowly been chipping away at his walls for all these years, and he’s only now noticing that things have been slipping through the cracks out of his control. 

Kiara doesn’t let him shy away from it though, hooks a finger under his chin and tips his head up to face her. Her eyes are shining with warmth, not pity. 

“You’ll get used to it,” she whispers with a smile, and JJ’s heart just about melts in his chest. 

_Iloveyou, Iloveyou, Iloveyou, I love you!_ His brain and heart scream together, but his walls are strong enough to keep that in. He’s almost positive that they're a couple now, but they haven’t talked about it or anything. This is new and beautiful and feels as fragile as glass in his hands, he’s not going to drop a bomb like that on her on the first night. 

Kiara shifts her hand from his chin and winds it in his hair, pulling at the strands and winding them absentmindedly around her fingers. JJ leans into her touch and her fingernails gently scrape against his scalp, an involuntary hum escaping from the back of his throat. 

Kiara giggles and scoots closer to him. “You like that, baby?” She cooes, voice affectionate but teasing. 

JJ doesn’t have the brainpower to care. Teasing or not, her call him _baby_ makes his insides feel all fuzzy and warm. He’s also pretty sure his brain is short-circuiting because he responds with a mumbled, “yes, please,” earning him another laugh from Kiara. 

He leans over and buries his face in her neck, partly to hide his embarrassment and partly just because he wants to be as close to her as possible. Her lips brush across his forehead as she continues to play with his hair and JJ responds by pressing a kiss of his own to her collarbone. 

He could easily have fallen asleep right there, but some sense of pride that Kiara would probably consider _hyper-masculine_ prompts him to pull away. Her face falls for a moment when he rolls back over to his side of the bed but he lifts up his arm for her to crawl in beside him. 

Kiara beams back at him accepting the invitation and settling down half on top of him, her head on his chest, one leg hooked over his, her arms around his shoulders, one hand finding its way into his hair. JJ slips his hand underneath her shirt and starts to absentmindedly rub small patterns onto her back, her skin soft against the calluses on his fingers. This time it’s Kiara who releases a breathy hum, pulls herself closer to him, and nuzzles her head into his chest. 

JJ smiles and presses a kiss to her forehead, tries to keep himself from falling asleep. He wants to live in this moment forever, savor it and lock it safely in his stash of memories to focus on when it gets hard to control his breathing. And more than that, he’s afraid that somehow he’ll wake up in the morning and have dreamt the whole thing, or Kiara will change her mind or something will change and it will all slip through his fingers. Good things like this don’t really happen to him, he’s not sure how to trust it. He’s afraid too, afraid to let himself believe that he can have this, only for something to inevitably go wrong and remind him of his place in the universe. 

“Stop that,” Kiara mumbles sleepily, pulling him out of his spiral. 

He looks down at her, startled. 

“What?” 

“You went all tense, you're worrying about somethin’.” She picks her head up, chin resting on his chest, and reaches out to cup his cheek. “What's wrong?” 

JJ shakes his head, a small smile on his lips, amazed at how well she can read him, half asleep with nothing to go off of but his body against hers.

“Nothing, Kie,” he responds honestly, kissing her forehead again, “nothing’s wrong.” 

She hums in acceptance of his response then frowns. “Hey JJ?” 

“Yeah?”

  
Kie purses lips, pausing for a moment like she does when she’s unsure of how to tell him something. JJ bits his lip anxiously, but her voice is gentle and laced with guilt when she speaks again. “I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like you weren’t worth more than sex.” 

JJ’s not sure what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t _that._ Sometimes Kiara’s so fucking _nice_ to him it catches him completely off guard, especially now in this new context they’re operating under.

It takes a moment for his brain to process and after a beat of silence he shakes his head, says, “that wasn’t your fault, Kie. Just the way my brain works.”  
She sighs, places a hand on his head, and rubs the pad of her thumb against her forehead. “Some of it was in your head, yeah, but some of it was me. And I’m sorry.” 

JJ’s not accustomed to this type of intimacy in a relationship, to apologies and feather-light touches with no purpose other than to comfort him. It’s all new and unbelievably overwhelming as he tries to keep up with it all. He’s pretty sure he’s got whiplash from the sharp turn this night took. 

“I'm sorry too,” he responds eventually because he means it. Because he knows he was hurting her too. 

Kiara smiles shifts her hand to push his hair back and places a kiss on his forehead. Says, “g’night, Jay,” with a yawn, settling her head back down so that her cheek is laying against his chest. 

“Night, Kie,” he whispers back, and this time, when sleep comes for him, he doesn’t try to fight it. 

***

Kiara wakes up on her side of the bed, laying on her side, something warm on her middle. As she pulls farther into consciousness, she recognizes that it’s JJ’s hand. A wave of serotonin washes over her as memories of last night come back to her, followed by less serotonin-inducing memories that she shoves down for the time being. She rolls over to face JJ and squints as light filters into her eyes. The sun is streaming in through the window at just the right angle that the whole room looks like a hazy dream, JJ at the center of it, drenched in gold and practically glowing under the beams of light. Kiara lays there for a moment and just watches him, breathing softly, looking peaceful and innocent in his sleep, the light giving him an ethereal quality, like an angel or a young god or some sort of sunbeam personified. 

Then the light fades and he’s just JJ again. _Her_ JJ. Not a god or angel, just a boy who’s stood by her side for twelve years only asking, not even asking, _hoping_ for some affection in return. She’d like to think she’s been able to give him that at least, in their years of friendship, even if friendship was all she’d had to offer. 

Kiara scoots closer to him, her forehead pressed against his bare chest. He’s warm, always so, so warm, it feels nice, comforting. His arm is still draped lazily across her middle, and she wishes he would wake up and wrap his arms around her, wishes she could fall back to sleep in his arms, but she can’t hide from her family forever. 

With a sigh, Kiara rolls away from him. She’ll want to shower before going out and facing the music. She almost gets up and leaves JJ sleeping, he looked so content that it seemed the kindest thing to do. On second thought, her mind flips back to the first night they’d slept together, she’d woken up at six and realized if she didn’t get home _asap_ her parents would be furious, and JJ has always looked so peaceful in his sleep, it wasn’t like he wouldn’t be there when she snuck back to the chateau later on that day.

Only he _wasn’t_ there when she got back. His dad had overdosed that night, facing either jail time or rehab when he woke up, and JJ ended up in foster care for a little over a month before the Heywards were able to get him out. It all happened so fast that she and Pope didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. Kiara didn’t think she could feel more awful about anything than she did about her Kook year, but this topped it tenfold. 

It will mean a lot to him that she’s here when he wakes up, at least for today while everything’s still new and fragile. Kiara rolls back over and lightly runs a hand through his hair. She’s not really one for morning kisses, always found it a little gross, but just for today, it seems appropriate. A small moan escapes JJ’s throat as Kiara gently pulls his upper lip between hers, kisses him on the nose as he slowly blinks awake. 

“Merry Christmas” she whispers with a smile. 

JJ blinks the sleep out of his eyes, mumbles. “Mm I dreaming?”

Kiara laughs, pinches him in the arm. 

“Ow,” he whines, giving her a pout. 

“Not dreaming,” she responds cheekily

He hums in agreement. “Fuck, it’s Christmas, isn’t it?” 

“It is.”

He smiles brightly, says, “well, I’ve had worse presents,” and leans in to kiss her again. Kiara laughs and rolls away from him, pushes herself off the bed and looks down at him, a small smirk on her face. “Morning breath, not my vibe. I just didn’t want you to wake up and think–” she cuts herself off, throwing one of his biggest insecurities in his face right now would probably _not_ be the nicest thing to do, “–I just thought you’d rather I wake you up than let you wake up by yourself. I have to take a shower and then go face my family.” 

A glint catches in his eyes and Kiara knows what he’s about to say before he says it. “You know, I could take a shower too.”

  
“ _JJ.”_

“Though you might wanna, ya know, conserve water or something,” he says, crawling to the edge of the bed, laying down closer to where she’s standing. 

Kie just smiles at him and shakes her head, says, “maybe a rain check,” and turns to walk away. 

JJ reaches out and grabs her waist before she can get far, tugs her down into a sitting position with his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. He nuzzles his head into her stomach, looks back up at her with his best puppy dog's eyes. “Please?” 

_God,_ she fucking wants to. 

“I _actually_ have to shower JJ.” 

He just shrugs, looks up at his eyes all warm and earnest, and says, “okay.” 

Kiara honestly believes that he would be just as content if she went into the shower with him and washed his hair as he would be if she gave him a blow job. From the way, he’s looking up at her, all pouty and cute and willing to do whatever so long as he can be close to her, she has every intention of doing both. 

_If I show you all my demons_

_And we dive into the deep end_

_Would we crash and burn like every time before?_

_I would tell you all my secrets_

_Wrap your arms around my weakness_

_If the only other option's letting go_

####  _I'll stay vulnerable, yeah_

When they get out of the shower, JJ throws on the T-shirt she had been wearing and just a towel because the only pants he has in this room are dress pants. He sits down on the side of the bathtub, eyes on her as she pulls on a clean pair of panties under her towel and starts rubbing lotion on her legs. She smirks at him and puts a foot on his shoulder for _leverage._

It’s a little mean, but given that she’d been going down on him in the shower about five minutes ago, she doesn’t feel too bad. His hand starts to slide up her thigh and she swats it away. 

“Not now. We don’t have time, and I’m already all clean.” 

JJ pouts at her. “You tryna kill me, woman?” 

She takes pity on him and pulls her leg back down, cups his chin and kisses him on the forehead, says “I would _never_ ,” then turns around and walks back to the sink, flashes him a smirk and, continues over her shoulder, “you can repay me later I promise.” 

He seems pleased by that answer and is content just to keep watching as she wriggles into her leggings. She slips out into her room and lets the towel fall as she picks up the _BLONDE_ sweater he’d discarded onto her floor the night before and pulls it on. 

JJ’s leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom all but gaping at her, manages to say, “you’re not blonde.” 

Kiara smirks at him, walks over, and slips her hands under his shirt, his hands on her hips immediately and she goes to retort, but there’s a knock on the door followed by her mother's voice. 

“Kiara? Honey are you awake?”

  
“Shit,” Kiara mutters, “one-second mom!” She calls and then looks up at JJ apologetically, “I don’t want her to find out – like I mean I want her to find out, like I’m gonna tell her just... Not like this.” 

He doesn’t seem too bothered by it, juts his thumb backward. “Hide in the bathroom?” Kiara sighs in relief. “Could you?” 

“Oh, anything for you, my dear,” he responds dramatically, smirking as Kiara cringes. 

“Please stop.” 

“Love you too.”

  
Kiara’s heart flutters in her chest, and she reminds herself that that's just JJ being _JJ._ He would have said it before last night so it shouldn’t be weird. Except last night changed everything so of course, it’s weird. 

“Come in mom! Uh, sorry,” she says as her mom steps in, “I was just changing my clothes.” 

Anna glances from Kiara’s shirt to the bathroom, to the discarded dress clothes on the floor that she had completely forgotten to pick up. 

_Shit._

“Is JJ in the bathroom?” her mom asks bluntly, a small smirk on her face. 

“What? No. Why would–”

  
Anna rolls her eyes. “Kie, I wasn’t born yesterday, you’re wearing his _shirt_.”

  
“I wear JJ’s shirts all the time,” she responds casually, “John B, and Pope’s too. It’s like a Pogue thing.” 

Her mom raises her eyebrows. “Right. Do John B and Pope leave their clothes on your floor too?” 

Kiara shrugs. “I mean Pope’s pretty clean but John B leaves everything everywhere–”

  
“ _Kiara.”_

“Okay yeah, yeah JJ’s in the bathroom,” she relents, rubbing a hand over her face. 

“And this is a … _new_ thing?” Her mom asks hesitantly. 

Kiara shifts uncomfortably. “Yeah, um, last night.” 

“Dammit!” Her mom exclaims, lifting her hand to her mouth. 

Kie wasn’t sure her mom would completely approve but she wasn’t expecting _that_ strong of a reaction _._ “Excuse me?” She asks, thousands of arguments defending JJ swirling in her head, her chest pounding in anticipation.

  
But Anna just settles her hands on her hips and sighs, deadpans, “I owe your aunt a hundred bucks.” 

A disbelieving scoff escapes her lips. “You guys _bet_ on us?” 

Her mom shrugs. “Charlotte did really, I just agreed to it. Here’s what I get for believing you when you say you don’t like a guy.”

  
Kiara opens her mouth to respond to that, but can’t come up with the words. She’s mostly just relieved her mom isn’t mad.

“What were you coming in for again?” she asks, taking the chance to change the subject. 

Her mom's face darkens. “I needed to tell you to get packed, our train leaves at eight.” 

Kiara frowns at her, confused. “Our train leaves at twelve.”

  
“We made it earlier,” Anna responds quickly, her voice is strained and Kiara thinks her eyes look a little misty. 

_Oh._

Kiara’s never understood it, but her grandmother’s approval has always meant a lot to her mom. Their relationship had been in a good place lately, better than it had been in a long time. The idea that _she’d_ ruined it makes Kiara’s stomach twist with guilt. 

“Mom I’m so sorry–” she starts, but Anna cuts her off. 

“Oh, Kie, don’t,” she responds gently, “you have nothing to apologize for.”

  
Kiara just blinks at her, dumbfounded. “I don’t?” 

Anna laughs, shakes her head, looks up to meet her daughter's eyes. 

“You stood up to my _mother_. You’ve got more guts than I ever had.” 

Kiara’s not sure how to respond to that, shifts on her feet and glances down before looking back up to search her mother's face. 

“I know that I was hard on you growing up, but I just want you to know that, _you_ and your father? I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I don’t care what my mother thinks, I’m proud of you, Kie.” She offers a reassuring smile and squeezes Kiara’s hand. “I should go so you can, um, release JJ from the bathroom.” 

Kiara just stands there, floored and still trying to process her words. Anna is almost to her door when she finally wraps her head around it. 

“Mom!” she exclaims urgently, tears building behind her eyes. 

Anna just barely turns around before Kiara is crushing her in a hug. She’s a lot taller than her mother, has to lean down to rest her head on her shoulder. Anna is frozen for a moment, surprised, but then one hand wrapping around her back, the other stroking her hair, whispers, “I love you.” 

“Love you too mom,” Kiara mumbles back. 

*** 

JJ is sitting on the counter playing with her razer when Kiara walks in, twirling it around his fingers. He looks up when she walks in. 

“How’d it go?” 

Kiara scoffs at him, smirks. “Because you _weren’t_ listening to that whole conversation.”

  
He gapes at her and pulls a hand over his heart. “Kiara, I would _never_ invade your privacy like that!”

  
She cocks her head at him and smiles, walks up to the counter, and steps into his space. Laces her hands around his neck and pulls his head down to meet lips for no reason other than because she can. Because she’s happy, she’s so fucking happy and so fucking relieved and she gets to revel in that happiness by making out with the boy she’s been dreaming about kissing for months. He kisses her back with the same level of enthusiasm, reminding her that he’s been wanting this for even longer. Kiara’s not sure how he dealt with it. A couple of months and she nearly went insane. 

“What did I do to deserve that?” He asks breathily after they’ve pulled away, letting his hands fall to rest on her backside just because he can. 

Kie smiles up at him, bops her nose into his. “Nothing. Just for being you.” 

It’s a half tease, but she means it and it’s enough to make JJ swallow and visibly resist the urge to turn away and hide his face as a blush creeps along his cheeks. 

He gets all flustered when she says anything partially nice or does anything overly affectionate. She’d never seen him blush this much before last night, didn’t even really think him capable of it, but it’s just about the cutest fucking thing she’s ever seen. It makes her want to throw all her dignity into the wind and say the nicest things she can possibly think of just to watch him get all touched and squirmy, unsure of how to respond. 

She lets him off easy this time and just leans into his chest, wrapping her arms around his back. JJ lifts his hands up from her ass so he can wrap his arms around her shoulders, steady and strong and safe. 

“What's wrong?” JJ asks like something needs to be _wrong_ for her to just want a fucking hug. 

“Nothing,” she replies, nuzzling her head into his shirt, “you’re just warm.” 

“Oh. Okay.” He plants a kiss on the top of her head and Kiara lets out a contented sigh. She doesn’t have to see it to know that JJ’s smiling. 

***

They have an unceremonious exit from the apartment. Abigail gives her a hug goodbye and a fist bump to JJ, but she’s the only family member they actually say goodbye to. Aunt Charlotte leaves with them, and Kiara gets the feeling whatever went down last night had caused a rift between more than just her mom and her grandmother. 

Kiara takes JJ’s hand as they leave, lacing their fingers together instead of just grabbing his palm like she normally would. His gaze flickers towards her for a moment, not long enough for her eyes to meet his, but then he’s squeezing her hand, a small satisfied smile tugging at his lips. 

It’s not like they haven’t walked down the street holding hands before, did it most of the other day just because JJ developed a habit of wandering off when her back was turned and scaring the shit out of her, but it feels different now. Everything feels different now, in a good way, a little scary and a little exciting. But somehow, it’s simultaneously as natural as breathing. 

JJ’s nervous though, not in a sweaty palm, hands quivering kind of way. Most people wouldn’t even notice a difference, but Kiara does. He’s hesitant, waiting for her to take the lead. She can see him eyeing her now and then, looking for her clues of how she wants him to act, even as they’re jamming out to Christmas carols in the backseat of their uber. 

If obvious cues are what he needs then that’s what she’ll give him, leans against his side while they wait in the train station. JJ gets the message and settles his arm across her shoulders, presses a subtle kiss to her hair. He’s scrolling through his phone so Kiara snatches it out of his hands, ignoring his cries of protest. She opens up his Snapchat and puts on a filter. The selfie comes out cute, Kie’s smiling, sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth, and JJ’s pouting at her. She saves the photo and hands the phone back to him with a cheeky smile. JJ grumbles a little bit but she sees him smile as he puts the phone back in his pocket. 

Kiara notices her dad staring at them, having watched the whole exchange, and feels JJ start to move his arm from her shoulder. She reaches back and grabs his hand before he can, pulls his arm back into its place, and entwining their fingers, offers her dad an innocent shrug. JJ swallows hard and if she didn’t know any better, she’d think he took a bit of a step behind her. Mike gives him a final glare before turning around to talk to Anna. 

“Are you trying to get me killed?” JJ hisses. 

Kiara rolls her eyes. “He’s not going to _kill_ you, drama queen. I was gonna have to tell him at some point.” 

“Of course you don’t see it, he’s _your_ dad. But trust me Kie, that was the look of a man willing to kill.” 

“You’re so full of shit.” 

“I’m telling you! There was murder in those eyes, Kie. _Murder._ ” 

The train arrives before she can respond, JJ’s grip on her shoulder tightens as they walk into the car, she squeezes his hand for whatever comfort it’s worth. Rests her hand on his shoulders and plays with the hair on the back of his neck when they take their seats. She’s amazed at how well it works to get him to relax. 

Kiara leans across the seat and settles down with her back against JJ’s chest as she pulls out her phone to put a movie on. He tucks his chin on top of her head and pulls her closer. Kie lets herself enjoy the feeling of his arms around her, relaxing into his strength and enjoying being held close, protected even though she doesn’t need to be. 

Kiara’s always been good at taking care of people, being the shoulder her friends could cry on, the only one of the four of them who actually knew how to have an emotionally intelligent conversation. She enjoys it, being the person that people just naturally open to, the person they trust to not judge them. It makes her feel helpful, wanted, _needed._ She’s also good at taking care of herself – her parents worked a lot, she had a hard time making friends in school, independence was something she came to prize. It made it hard for her to be vulnerable _herself,_ to let her guard down, and trust someone else to take care of her. She’s gotten better at it, with years of practice and therapy, but it’s still _hard._ For whatever reason, it just comes a little easier with JJ. Maybe it’s because he’s known her for so long, or because she knows that vulnerability doesn’t come easy for him either. If anyone understands, if anyone isn’t going to look at her any differently for it, it’s him.

***

This time Kiara’s the one who falls asleep, her head leaning on his neck. JJ’s too anxious and excited to sleep, he’s still sort of expecting to wake up from the best dream of his fucking life. Although maybe not his _best_ dream. In his best dream, they would have had sex again in the bathroom and collapsed back on the bed just to cuddle for a bit before getting up and making breakfast. No parents. No extended family. Certainly not getting on a train to go meet _round two_ of the _family._ Although it’s Mike’s family so at least they’re not Kooks, but Mike seems to hate him more than Anna does, and as daunting as meeting Kiara’s family was, he wasn’t _actually dating her._ Now… he is? He’s like 95% positive that’s what's happening. He knows they’re doing more than just fucking, that he’s sure of. He’s _not_ sure if she’s looking to put any labels on it, or who she does and doesn’t want to know about them. Whatever they are. Maybe she’s waiting for him to make the first move and properly ask her out. It seems like it should be obvious, but he has no clue what she wants from him. 

He feels dumb having to ask, like he’s back in school failing to comprehend what came so easily to all his friends. Kiara seems so sure of herself, of _them._ He wants to be too, he’s just not sure _how_ . First of all, his prior relationships have given him… absolutely nothing to go off of. He might as well have never had one at all. Actually, he’d probably be _better off_ if he’d never had one at all as opposed to trying to rewrite all the fucked up habits he’d developed from his last one. Then there’s the small, self-sabotaging voice in his brain that sounds oddly like his father telling him that this is too good to be true, that he’ll never be good enough for her, he’s a _mechanic_ from a long line of drug addict degenerates and she’s a rebellious kook princess, going to college so she can be a scientist and save the world one turtle at a time. He can only drag her down, and she’ll figure it out eventually etcetera, etcetera. He really thought he’d had a handle on it. 

Apparently not. 

But Kiara’s asleep right now, all wrapped up in his arms and snoring softly. JJ’s not sure how he’s going to sit still for the rest of this trip, but he’d rather let his bones blow up in his body than disturb her right now. He has to ask for certainty, really just so he has concrete evidence to keep his mind from running away with him, reassurance, but he’s pretty sure he already knows the answer. 

***

Kiara’s Aunt picks them up from the train station and _God,_ Kiara had missed her dad’s family. He only has one sister, her Aunt Bella, a lawyer in the City with enough money to buy a weekend house on Lake George. Dad likes to make fun of her for being both a Kook _and_ a touron. 

Kiara had gotten on the train with her heart set on introducing JJ as her boyfriend, ran the scenario in her head, could absolutely see the beaming smile he’d try to hide. And then she fucking choked. Once she was actually standing there, feeling her dad's gaze bearing down on her and remembering that she _hadn’t_ exactly _told_ him that JJ’s her boyfriend now. Actually, she hasn’t told _JJ_ that he’s her boyfriend now. She had kind of assumed it was pretty clear, but given recent events, she doesn't trust either of their communication skills and will probably have to flat out say it at some point. And while in front of her family had seemed like a good idea, maybe that should be a conversation just between the two of them. Also, her dad and her aunt talked on the phone all the time. The chances he told her about the whole _fake dating_ plot she had with JJ for the holidays were high and then _that_ would be a whole awkward conversation and so Kiara just ends up introducing him as JJ and nothing else. 

To Kiara’s relief, her aunt shook his hand and didn’t question it. She not so subtly searched JJ’s face as they walked to the car to see if she could if it had bothered him at all. He just frowned at her in confusion and asked what was up. She’d smacked a kiss to his cheek and hugged his middle for whatever reassurance it might provide. 

It starts snowing on the ride over, big heavy flakes that barely leave room for the sky, nothing compared to the few flurries they see at home. JJ stares out the window with his forehead pressed against the glass, she can’t see it from the angle his head is turned, but she can picture the look of wonder in his eyes. Her mom chuckles from the seat beside her and Kiara turns to frown at her. 

“What?” 

Anna shakes her head, a knowing smile on her lips. 

“Nothing, Kie.” 

The scenery at her aunt's house is breathtakingly beautiful. A big rustic cabin sitting right on the frozen lake, the Adirondack Mountains gleaming white with snow. Coming here has always been Kiara’s favorite part of Christmas. As much as she loves New York City, she loves nature more. The air is crisp and cold and fresh and there are stars at night, so many stars. 

JJ’s staring at the sky as they get out of the car, snowflakes landing in his hair and eyelashes. “It’s like little pieces of the sky are _literally_ falling down,” he says, sticking his tongue out to try and catch some. 

Kiara looks up herself, the sky is so cloudy it’s almost white, when she looks back JJ’s the one staring at her, a soft, almost reverent look in his eyes. Kie’s never been one for PDA, especially in front of her family, but right now she’d _really_ like to run over there and close the space between them. 

She doesn’t even have a chance to decide against it before a chorus of yelling comes from the door of the house and her younger cousins coming running out, her uncle on their tails. Aunt Bella and Uncle Liam have two kids, twelve-year-old Zack and seven-year-old Amelia, both of whom everyone says look like they might as well be her siblings. 

They nearly knock her over with their hug, but Kie just smiles, wraps her arms around the two siblings who are now clinging to her from different sides. Her uncle laughs and waves to her as he greets her parents. 

Amelia is the first to notice JJ where he’s standing awkwardly in the corner, hands in his pockets. Kiara smiles, motions for him to close. 

“Guys this is JJ, and JJ this is,” she puts a hand on Zack's head, “Zack,” does the same to Amelia, “and Amelia.” 

He smiles softly at them. “Nice to meet you.”

  
“Do you want to play Mario Kart with us?” Amelia asks excitedly. 

JJ’s face lights up and he flashes a cocky smile. “I dunno, do you think you can beat me?”

  
Amelia giggles. “Yes!” 

“Alright, then. I guess we’re on.” 

They end up crammed next to each other on the couch, arms bumping as they twist their controllers, the kids on either side of them. Kie has to elbow JJ in the side on several occasions to keep him from cussing. But they’re all laughing, whooping when they win, and fake crying when they lose. The kids adore him, have a whole argument over which one of them is cooler and JJ has made it his mission to prove that it’s him (Zach set up a running tally on his phone). All three of them pout when she says had to get up to use the bathroom. JJ wraps his arms around her when she goes to get up, pulls her back onto the couch on top of him, calls for Zack and Amelia to pounce on her, which they do, very enthusiastically. Kie’s laughing so hard she is very genuinely concerned she might pee her pants and JJ only releases her when she voices that fact. 

Her dad and Aunt Bella make a Christmas lunch of steak, fried eggs, quiche, homemade croissants (her childhood favorite), and mimosas (her adulthood favorite). Being with her dad’s family is like a breath of fresh air after a few days at mom’s. If JJ had been performing at her grandparents, he’s just being himself here, laughing and telling stories, making faces at Amelia from across the table. Kiara was worried at first that after hearing her dad complain about him during basically the entirety of her childhood, Aunt Bella would be immediately biased against JJ, but if she is she hasn’t shown it. For bringing her boyfriend (who has not yet been told he’s her boyfriend but she’s like 95% sure he knows) of approximately ten hours to Christmas Brunch, things could not have gone better. 

They open presents under the tree in the living room. She got JJ a red sweater, and a new pair of overalls because he’s an actual man child and relies on gifts from her, Sarah, Pope, and his other responsible friends to get him clothes for presents since he’s too lazy to go shopping himself. His jaw drops when he opens her third gift, a camo dog jacket that she’d picked from up Carhart along with his overalls. 

“It has pockets,” she points out, “you can put like your wrenches and stuff in it. I know you already call Toast your Shop dog, but now he’ll look official.” 

If JJ could beam any brighter, Kiara’s pretty sure he would catch on fire. 

She moves up to the couch to watch the kids open the remainder of their presents and JJ follows her a few moments later. Sits down tentatively, runs his tongue over his lips, and then bites down on the bottom. 

Kiara smiles at him, she doesn’t see it a lot, but he’s cute when he’s nervous. 

“Yes?”

He clears his throat, hands her a small box, and reaches up to scratch the back of his neck. “I was, uh, kinda unprepared so I grabbed something at that shopping place, it’s ok if you hate it you don’t have to like keep it or anything…” 

Kiara tunes out his rambling as she opens the box, revealing a necklace in the shape of a small snow globe on a silver chain. She lifts it up to look closer and is pretty sure she hears JJ stop breathing. There are two little skater figurines inside, glittery snow falling down on them as she shakes it. It takes her back to the day they went ice skating, JJ spinning in little circles trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue. 

She leans over and gives him a short peck on the lips, smiles warmly. 

“I love it.” 

JJ breathes a literal sigh of relief and smiles sheepishly back at her. 

“Yeah?”

She smiles at him again. “Put it on me?”

  
He nods eagerly and she pulls her hair to the side and turns around for him. Last time he was actively trying to avoid touching her, this time he lets his hands rest briefly on the back of her neck when he’s done. Kiara puffs her chest out when she turns around to face him, JJ grins. 

“Stunning.” 

“Why thank you.” 

She softens her tone, places a soft kiss on his cheek. “Really though, you did good. Thank you.”

  
He flashes her a grin. “Cool. You’re down with some weed for next year right?” 

Kiara laughs. “Oh no, you have to actually _get_ me things now.”

  
JJ pouts at her and she mimics the look, pats him on the cheek. 

“Aww, I know your life is so hard.” 

Amelia demands they go ice skating next so Kie slips in to use the bathroom before changing her clothes. She’s washing her hands when the bathroom door swings open without a knock. She sucks in a startled breath as she turns around and then lets out an exasperated sigh as she meets JJ’s mischievous smirk. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, is someone in here?” He asks innocently, closing the door behind him. 

She tilts her head at him. “Oh, I’m on my way out, it’s all yours,” she responds, with a sweet smile, and starts to walk past him. 

She doesn’t get far before his forearm is wrapping around her middle and pulling her back against his stomach. He pulls his other arm to wrap around her as well and starts to press feather light kisses against the side of her neck. Her nerves light up and she lets out a breathy exhale against her will. 

“You sure you wanna go?” JJ mumbles against her skin, his kisses gradually growing more intense. 

_No._

“Not now,” she says instead, annoyingly aware of how weak her voice sounds.

JJ chuckles against her skin. “I can be fast.” 

_“JJ._ ” 

He slips a hand under her shirt and starts running his hand up and down her side, _unbearably_ slow, “Hey, I’m just tryna return the favor. I’ll stop if you want me too,” he whispers, trailing his kisses up her neck until he reaches her jaw, Kiara tilts her head to the side without even thinking, another noise escapes her mouth that does _not_ help her argument. JJ pulls back and Kiara manages to stifle a whine, debates telling him to keep going or accepting that he’s being reasonable and waiting until they're _safely_ alone. But then his lips are tickling her ear and he whispers, “I’m not really getting the vibe that you want me to stop.” 

“We have to be quick,” Kiara relents. 

“I can do that,” JJ responds, his voice all too energetic. 

“No hickies.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” 

She grabs his wrist before it can creep any farther down her side. “Lock the door.” 

JJ grins as he pulls away. “Yes, Ma’am.” 

  
  


_Dreaming dreams while I'm wide awake_

_The tree, the lights, staying up late_

_It's true_

_I'm in love with you_

_Swept completely off my feet_

####  _This snow globe scene is turning me_

_This Christmas Eve, "I" became "We"_

_Don't wake me please_

_From this winter dream_

They stay out on the ice until the sun goes down, her parents even come out for a while. It’s not her mom’s favorite thing, but she seems to enjoy herself anyway. Laughing and spinning around with her dad. She and JJ spend almost the whole time with Zack and Amelia, who insist on several races, one snowball fight that somehow roped in the parents, and carefully drawing figure eights in the ice. Zack revels in the fact that he’s a better skater than JJ, which JJ makes up for by being bigger, stronger, and capable of lifting the boy off the ground and spinning him around. He’s skating around with Amelia on his shoulders when her dad skates over to her. Squeezes her against his side in greeting. 

“So,” he starts, awkwardly shoving his hands into his pockets, “you and JJ?”

  
“Yup,” she responds bluntly, not bothering to face him. 

“For real now?” 

Kiara chuckles. “Yeah, for real this time.”

  
“When did that happen?”

  
“Last night.” 

“Huh.” 

Kiara sighs, turns to look at him, hands on her hips. “What?” 

Mike just shrugs. “Nothing.” 

“ _Dad.”_

“If it had to be one of the three of them, you _had_ to pick JJ?” He relents with a sigh. 

“ _Dad!”_ She exclaims, rolling her eyes.

 _  
_ “What about Pope?” 

Kiara fixes him with a glare, deadpans, “Pope is gay, Dad.”

Her dad hums in agreement, folds his arms across his chest, nods toward JJ. 

“Are you sure about this? 

Kiara looks over to where JJ is now spinning in a circle, holding a giggling Amelia in his arms like an airplane. She supposes it's easy to be good with kids when you practically are one, but the sight stirs something in her that she elects to ignore, focusing on how frickin cute it is. 

“Yeah, Dad,” she responds, leaning into his side, “I’m sure.” 

Mike sighs and puts an arm around her. “You do know he’s a mechanic, right?” 

Kiara laughs. “Yeah, you know, I think it’s kinda hot.”

  
“Ugh, Jesus, don’t tell me that.”

  
She grins again. “You asked. Just be nice. He wants you to like him.” 

“Oh, I never said anything about liking him.” 

Kiara rolls her eyes, turns away, and skates backward from him, mouths, “be _nice._ ” 

JJ smiles at her when she skates over, using his body to stop her momentum and wrapping arms around his waist, perches her chin on his shoulder. 

“You havin fun yet?” 

There’s a flash of light below them and they both turn to see Amelia grinning brightly, pulling a picture out of the shiny new polaroid camera wrapped around her neck.

“Here!” She says excitedly, handing Kie a white photo, the silhouettes of her and JJ slowly appearing. Her mom is currently holding onto a collection of polaroids from the little flash photographer. “You should kiss!” Amelia adds with a giggle. 

JJ shifts so that he’s facing her, moving one hand to her hip and placing the other on the side of her face. Kiara smiles, lifts her arms up to rest on his shoulders. 

He smirks down at her, a soft look in his eyes that makes Kiara’s stomach flutter. 

“Well, you heard the woman, Kie.” 

***

When the sun goes down, they shift to the fire pit out on the patio, roast hot dogs and s'mores, and just sit around and talk, wrapped up in blankets. Staying up nursing beers long after the kids have gone to bed, Kiara sits curled up against JJ’s side, his arm hanging loosely around her. She gets more cuddly as the night goes on. She’s had a few drinks and the warmth of the blanket and the fire and _JJ_ is making her sleepy. She inches closer so that she’s nearly sitting in his lap, her head resting on his chest so that her forehead is pressed against his neck. JJ’s talking slowly to her parents, his voice is soothing, she’s exhausted from skating for hours and so, _so_ warm. The kind of warmth that makes her feel all warm and fuzzy inside and out, _content,_ would be the easiest way to describe it. A moment in time that she pauses to savor as her eyes start to fall closed, thinking that this is the kind of memory that she’ll hold onto forever. 

Kiara gently jostles awake when JJ picks her up. She’s aware that she could get up and _not_ make him carry her to their room, but instead, she just wraps her arms around his neck and nuzzles her head against it. He tries to walk away after sitting down on the bed but Kiara wraps her legs around his waist and pulls him down with her. 

JJ glares at her, but there’s no real heat behind it, says grumpily, “you seem very awake for someone I just carried up a flight of stairs.”

  
Kie smiles at him innocently, rolls over so she’s straddling his waist. Traces a finger along his neck. 

“You complaining?”

  
He grins back up at her, places his hands on her hips. 

“No, ma’am.” 

She reaches out to tenderly brush some of the hair out of his face, before leaning down to kiss him, smiles at the soft sigh he lets out as she touches him. 

“That’s what I thought.” 

***

Kiara jolts awake at the feeling of something large landing on the bed, lets out a gasp as JJ sits straight up, his arm hovering over her protectively and looks up to see a giggling seven year old. 

“Amelia!” she exclaims, holding the sheets up to her neck as she sits up, they both passed out as soon they fell back onto the pillows last night and are both very much not wearing any clothes. 

“Ever heard of knocking, kid?” JJ asks with a grumble, sinking back down onto the mattress. 

“You have to get up, we're going skiing!” she cries, her voice way too cheery for this early in the morning, “And Uncle Mike says,” she continues as if reciting, “if you two lazy bums don’t quit screwing and get down here for breakfast you’re not getting any pancakes.” She pauses thoughtfully and glances around the room, “what are you screwing?” 

Kiara snorts and JJ pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“He told you to say that?” She asks. 

“No. I just heard him,” she leans towards them like she’s telling a secret, “and I thought I should come to wake you up so Uncle Mike doesn’t take away your pancakes.” 

Kiara sighs. “Well, that's very nice of you. We still need to get dressed though, so we’ll be down in a couple of minutes, okay?” 

“Okay!” she says excitedly, jumping off the bed and running out of the room. 

Kie flops back down, mutters, “We should have locked the door.” 

JJ hums in agreement. “I guess we’d better get up then. No way in hell I’m missing out on your dad's pancakes.” 

She groans and whines as he rolls out the bed, lies on her stomach to watch him pull on a pair of jeans and a red sweater she gave him yesterday, enjoying the view. 

He grins when he catches her, walks back onto the bed to flop down beside her. Says, “your turn?” with a cheeky grin. 

Kiara rolls her eyes and pushes herself out of the bed, JJ whines when she grabs his T-shirt and pulls it over herself. 

She shrugs at him. “I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick.” 

JJ raises his eyebrows at her. 

“Not today, so sorry.” 

He pouts at her, juts his lower lip out obnoxiously. 

“Is that all you think about?” she teases. Says, “we’ll probably get some time later tonight, don’t you worry,” and steps into the bathroom.

***

It’s very much _not_ the only thing JJ thinks about, but it _does_ happen to be the only thing he knows he’s good at it. The one thing he doesn’t second guess himself about. The one thing he knows he can do _right._ And the fact that it's the best of sex he’s ever had is certainly not a deterrent, but if anything JJ would consider it the _last_ thing on his mind because unlike everything else that has to do with Kiara at this moment, he’s not overthinking it. 

Well. Maybe a little bit.

His phone buzzes and he looks down to see a DM from Andrea **,** of a video of a man in overalls and a yellow shirt singing to a crowd of dancing sea animals. 

**John.not.b: tf???**

**Drea03: shit that was meant for my sister lol**

**Drea03: a big Spongebob the musical fan haha**

**john.not.b: THERES A SPONGEBOB MUSICAL**

**Drea03: yes?**

**Drea03: also tf is your username? Not “B”?**

**John.not.b: duh**

**Drea03: your weird**

**john.not.b: yo shit I forgot to tell you**

**Drea03: OH MY GOD WAS I RIGHT??**

**john.not.b: you know I’ve never been this ok with admitting someone else was right**

**Drea03: BAHAHA omg I totally fucking called it. You two are not subtle**

**john.not.b: yeah yeah whatever**

**Drea03: so are you guys a couple now?**

**john.not.b: yes?**

**Drea03: oh my god you don't know??**

**john.not.b: I mean… I’m like 98% positive**

**Drea03: 98 PERCENT ASJFDKSFG DUDE**

**john.not.b: okay well we just like haven’t really talked about it but I’m pretty sure it’s like in between the lines or some shit I’m supposed to get**

**john.not.b: Or I’m supposed to like specifically ask her to be my gf or something**

**john.not.b: shit do you think I’m supposed to ask?**

**Drea03: ur fuckin hopeless dude**

**john.not.b: :(**

**Drea03: just TALK to HER**

**Drea03: use your big kid words**

**john.not.b: ur mean**

**Drea03: T A L K**

His head snaps up as Kie opens the door, walks out in a pair of black leggings, a white T-shirt, and his blue flannel, her long dark hair pulled back in two cute little braids. 

“Yo, Kie, have I ever told you that you wearing my clothes is like… the hottest thing I’ve ever fucking seen.” 

Kiara raises her eyebrows at him, teasingly says, “hotter than me not wearing anything at all?” 

He considers that. “Okay, second hottest.” 

She smirks and sits down on her bed, her eyes on her phone. 

They’re alone, they’re both awake, now's as good a time as any. _Just talk to her_

“Hey, uh, Kie?” He asks, trying and failing to sound casual.

  
Of course, she notices immediately, being good at reading him and all, turns to him with concern in her eyes. “What’s up?”

  
JJ opens his mouth to say… something. What? _Are we dating?_ Should he preface it with _this is dumb?_ It sounds pretty dumb. Fuck, she’s gonna think he’s such a dumb, insecure– 

“JJ?” her voice snaps his brain back to reality before it can spiral any further. “Are you okay?” 

“Did you know that there’s a Spongebob musical?” He blurts out in a panic. 

_Yup. Good job JJ. Great talk._

Kiara blinks at him for a moment and then rolls her eyes. 

“God, I thought you were actually gonna say something serious.” 

“This _is_ serious!” he exclaims, gives himself a mental pat on the back for playing it off so well. “There’s a _SpongeBob The Musical_ and _we_ didn’t go to see it!”

“You liked Beetlejuice!” 

“Yeah but _Spongebob._ ”

Kiara rolls her eyes but there’s a tiny smile at the corner of her lips. 

“You are such a fucking child.” 

***

“We can start on this one,” Kie says, pointing to a small hill where the top was clearly visible, full of little kids and their parents, “just until you get the hang of it.”  
JJ scoffs at her. “You wanna start on the baby hill? Let's just go where your family’s going.” 

“You _want_ to spend _more_ time with my family?” She asks incredulously. 

He gasps dramatically at her. “Hey, I love your family.” 

“You're a suck-up.” 

JJ grins, leans closer to her. “Only for you, babe.” 

Kie rolls her eyes and pushes him away with one hand. 

“Hey, I _can_ call you that without fear of losing my balls now, right?”

  
She scoffs and smirks at him. “Only if you're on your best behavior.” 

He raises a hand to his heart and gapes at her. “Aren’t I always?” 

Kiara just rolls her eyes at him and turns toward the ski lifts.

  
“So we’re not actually going to the baby hill are we?” It sounds like a whine but he doesn’t really care. 

Kiara turns to face and folds her arms across her chest like she’s scolding him. “JJ, you’ve never skied before. Yes, we’re starting on a small hill.” 

Now he’s the one rolling his eyes. “Oh come, it can’t be that hard. It’s like surfing but on snow.”

  
It seems to annoy her, but she relents. “Fine. But I’ll have you know, I _tried_ to be nice.” 

By some miracle, JJ manages to get off the ski lift without falling down. He has good balance, is good with his feet from years of surfing and a little bit of soccer. Kiara’s impressed, he can tell. _Fuck,_ he knew he’d be good at this. 

“Alright,” she’s saying, “I’m gonna go first, watch what I’m doing and–” 

He cuts her off, says, “nah, I think I’ll just meet you at the bottom,” with a cocky grin, sets his footing, and crouches down like he’s seen in the movies and hopes for the best. Laughing as Kiara yells “Fuck! No, JJ, don’t! _JJ_!” 

It goes really well for a little while. It’s _fast,_ really fucking fast, and he’s aware that he’s a little bit out of control – well, probably a lot bit out of control. But it’s the kind of adrenaline rush that JJ thrives on, or at least he used to. Then, something crashes into his shoulder and he’s knocked to the ground, after one disoriented moment he realizes that it was Kiara. He was apparently, “completely out of control and about to hit a fucking tree.” 

It takes several attempts just to stand back up which is actually hard as fuck in skis, and he does what Kie tells him to this time. Cutting back and forth across the mountain at a painfully slow pace, and still managing to wipe out approximately six times just because he went a little too fast or moved a ski the wrong way, or had to avoid hitting someone. It gets faster and more fun the more times they go up and down the hill, and he picks up the hang of it pretty quickly. It was faster, way more dangerous, and therefore way more fun than ice skating. He quickly got to the point where he could race Kiara down some of the slopes and they stopped for a while on the smaller hill with little wooden jumps and obstacles set up and she took videos of him trying, failing, and occasionally succeeding to go over them. He’d never say it out loud, but his favorite part of the day was the trips up in the ski lift, just the two of them, laughing and talking about nothing in particular. 

He’s more exhausted than he’s been in a long time and bruised in several more places than he’s been in a long time from an embarrassing amount of wipeouts. They all sit together in the lodge for a late lunch and warm up with hot chocolates. He nods off on Kie’s shoulder for a little bit and feels her lips on his forehead and the snap of her camera taking a selfie before she’s jostling him awake so he doesn't spill his hot chocolate. 

She pulls him over for another selfie in front of the mountain before they leave and he leans in, hugging her arm and pressing a kiss to her cheek. Kiara smiles as she saves it, but doesn’t post it. Leans against his side, prompting him to throw his arm over her shoulder and place another kiss to her hair. 

_“Love you,”_ he mumbles against her head, exhausted and the happiest he’s been in a long time, it just slips out. 

_Shit._

“Kie I’m s–”

  
She shuts him up by leaning on her tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek, pauses for a moment, meeting his eyes and for a second he thinks she’s going to say it back, but Amelia throws a snowball at them and he’s torn away to go spin around a little girl. 

When he meets back up with Kiara she just smiles and says she’d better get him to bed. He hums in agreement and shifts closer to her to see if she leans against his side, letting him know if she wants his arm around her. 

She does, and he’s too tired and too content to let the bad part of his brain get to him. Kiara’s here, warm and leaning against his side in broad daylight. Right now, that’s enough for him. 

####  _Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?_

_Your integrity makes me seem small_

_You paint dreamscapes on the wall_

_I talk shit with my friends_

_It's like I'm wasting your honor_

_And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences_

_Sit with you in the trenches_

JJ falls asleep on the car ride home, curls up against the window like a child. He’s so fucking cute in his sleep, Kiara’s tempted to unbuckle her seat belt and crawl beside him, hold him closer with her head tucked against his. But her parents are in the front seat and she’s trying not to smother them with PDA, even though she’s pretty she’s going through some sort of stupid _honeymoon_ phase where she just wants to be touching him all the _damn time._ JJ’s actually significantly _less_ touchy than she imagined he would be. He’ll hover his hand next to hers and wait for her to take, or stand in her space and wait for her to lean against him before throwing an arm over her shoulder. Like he’s afraid she’ll push him away if she’s not the one to make the first move. 

She’s not sure if she should mention it or just let him take cues from her until he figures it out for himself. She decides it's probably better if she doesn’t jump down his throat on day two, but she’d be lying to say his cautiousness doesn’t worry her. It’s very … _not JJ._ On the topic of _not JJ_ things, somehow that bastard snuck in the first _I love you_ . Or maybe that is a JJ thing. She’d like to think herself the more emotionally open of the two of them, but given the way she’d panicked a few minutes ago, she’s thinking she might want to reconsider that decision. Granted, he’s probably the most tired she’s ever seen him and that might have had something to do with it, but if anything that makes her even more sure he meant it. JJ’s more honest when his brain is hazy and his walls are at their weakest. She should have said it back. She meant to fucking say it back, and _maybe_ she would have if Amelia didn’t throw a terribly (or perfectly) timed snowball. But that's an excuse. 

She choked. Again. 

Because suddenly he was standing there looking at her with so much weight and trust, she panicked. He’s looked at her like that once before, they were sixteen and grieving, she’d just come out of the bathroom, his shirt covering down to her thighs. Met his wet eyes as she dried off her own, they’d just clung to each other and sobbed until they were out of breath. She held his face in her hands, kissed him on the forehead, and told him it was going to be alright. She’s not sure who she was really trying to convince, him or herself, but he looked at her like he believed her. He can say so much with his eyes, not even meaning to. She was so terrified by that damn look she didn’t have the guts to face him the next morning. 

Seeing that look in his eyes again brought all of that back up. All the fear, all the self-doubt she thought she had overcome came bubbling back to the surface. What if she’s not good enough? What if she’s just not _enough_ to be what he needs? What if there’s someone out there who’s less stubborn, less proud, more selfless? JJ’s so fucking selfless. He might as well be a saint compared to her in that regard. She tries, she really does, but it’s nothing next to the way he puts everyone else before himself like it’s as easy as breathing. Even when they don’t deserve it. Maybe there’s someone more like that, someone less likely to hurt him. Again. Her track record’s at two so far, her kook year and the morning after the phantom, not even mentioning their talk _about_ the night of phantom, and whatever’s been going between them for the last few months.

JJ wakes up as the car pulls into the driveway, peels his head off the side of the window and smiles sleepily at her. Kiara’s heart flips inside her chest. She smiles back at him and hops out of the car, bites down hard on her lip, and tries to shake the doubtful thoughts out of her head. She can’t do this, she _won’t_ self-sabotage this. This is good, they’re both adults, and they have feelings for each other, and for fuck’s sake, she can be happy if she’d just let herself be. JJ’s happy too, nervous, a little unsure, but happy. Happier than she’s seen him in a long time. Kiara tells herself she’s just tired – tired and letting her insecurities get the best of her. In the morning, she’ll just laugh at herself for being so dramatic. 

They all put pajamas on and watch The Santa Claus Two (the kid's favorite movie), and the parents sit on the couch with them. Kiara takes the chair, JJ sits on the floor beside her, leaning his head against her knee. She leans down to absentmindedly play with his hair, smiles when he lets out a contented sigh and slides her hand down to his cheek and runs her thumb against the soft skin. JJ nuzzles his head against her leg, something warm and falls down her leg. It takes her a moment to realize he’s crying. 

She leans over him and gently tips his head up, softly whispers, “hey, are you okay?” and wipes the single tear off his face with the pad of her thumb, but he doesn't actually look upset when she meets his eyes. 

He just smiles at her, says warmly, “yeah, yeah I’m good, really good. There’s just uh, The Santa Claus. Touching shit man.” 

Kiara glances up at the screen where one of the reindeer is farting and making obnoxious talking noises while Tim Allen looks exasperated. Amelia bursts into a fit of giggles. 

JJ shrugs and offers her an innocent smile. 

“You sure you're okay?” 

He closes his eyes and nods. “Mmhmm. Just tired. And,” his eyes pop open, meeting hers genuine and innocent, “I like you… a lot.” 

Kiara smirks, sarcastically says, “well, now you're gonna make _me_ cry.” 

“Don’t be sad, get glad.”

She frowns at him as the Glad garbage bag commercial plays in her head. “Are you really sure you’re okay?” 

“No,” he whimpers dramatically shaking his head, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired in my life. Mi braino no fuctiono.” 

Kiara laughs, starts playing with her hair again and he closes his eyes as she does. “I like you too,” she whispers back, “a lot.” He smiles and leans against her again, eyes closed as she plays with his hair. It’s surprisingly soft for a guy who probably doesn't even own a conditioner, and a little greasy from being in a helmet all day, but she doesn’t mind. She can’t count the amount of times she'd imagined running her fingers through his hair in the past few months and it makes him so happy when she does it, she’d probably do it no matter what. She reaches down to give his shoulder a comforting squeeze before finding her way back to his hair. He lets out another soft sigh and his breathing evens out not long after. 

_We don't have to hide our love away and_

_Both of us are gonna make mistakes 'cause_

_Leaning on somebody's never easy_

_But look at me and tell me you don't see that_

_This is not a temporary love_

_No, this is not a temporary love_

_Now your heart is in my hands, I won't give it up_

####  _This is not a temporary love_

JJ sleeps through the whole movie and when Kiara wakes him to go to bed his ass is sore from sitting on the hard floor and there’s a crick in his neck from leaning against Kie’s leg. 

She leans down and whispers, “I’d carry you if I could, but ya know you had a _really_ big dinner tonight…”

  
JJ huffs out a laugh, slurs, “you fat shamin’ me?” and accepts her hand to help himself up. 

“Yup,” she responds, patting his abdomen, “I am shaming _all_ of this fat.” 

He tries to flop on the bed as soon as they walk in but Kiara grabs his arm and tugs him into the bathroom. Rolls her eyes when he whines in protest. 

“You’re brushing your teeth, and you are sure as hell not getting my bed dirty.” 

“Sorry, mom,” he grumbles in response, grabbing his toothbrush out of the cabinet. 

“Fine, you can shower by yourself then.” 

She doesn’t make good on her threat and they do end up showering together, but this time that's really all they do. He’s tired and eager to get in bed and so is she. 

Kie sits down on her side of the bed, leaned up against the headboard, scrolling through her phone. 

JJ collapses on his stomach by her feet, mumbles, “I’m so tired.” 

She laughs, “JJ Maybank: too tired even for sex, someone write it down.” 

“You don’t gotta be mean about it,” he grumbles in response, barely lifting his head up. 

His legs actually feel like led and he’s sore all over, has his fair share of bruises as well. Kie had touched them gently in the shower, a sad look in her eyes. “They’re just from skiing,” he’d told her softly, she’s just nodded, whispered, “I know,” and gone back to washing her hair. 

JJ’s still not quite sure what the interaction had meant. 

Kiara doesn’t give him time to dwell on it, pats him lightly on the ass and says, “you comin up here or you gonna stay down by my feet all night.” 

He smiles, says, “maybe I like your feet,” and leans over to place a kiss on the top of her foot. 

“Ew!” She cries, recoiling and pulling her foot away. “God, not a foot fetish.” 

JJ chuckles and crawls up the bed towards her, drops down at her middle because her face is far away, and rests his head on her stomach, one arm draped across her waist. She’s so warm and her pajama shirt is so soft, smells of fresh laundry detergent. An oddly calming smell. Kiara laughs a little bit and lowers her hand to run her fingers through his hair, scratching at his scalp and occasionally lowering her hand to stroke his cheek or collect the bangs that fall onto his forehead. 

He’s not sure she understands what it means to him, that she actually _likes_ to just sit with him and let him lean against her, plays with his hair just because she knows how much he likes it. How calm it makes him feel. Her hands are warm and so, _so_ soft when they touch his face, no real motive behind the action other than wanting to be close to him. 

Maybe she does understand.

He doesn’t start crying at the thought like he did earlier, which is a relief. Sleeping through the movie seems to have helped him garner some more control over his emotions. He wonders vaguely if this is what it feels like to be a girl on her period. 

“God, you’re so fuckin cute,” Kiara mutters, leaning over to place a kiss on the side of his head. 

The tiny complement shouldn’t make his face warm or his heart flutter in his chest, but it does. He presses his head into her belly to hide blush and the little smile creeping on his lips. 

“I don’t wanna leave,” he mutters into her shirt. 

Kiara just laughs. “And never see Toast again?” 

“Toast can come live here.” 

She laughs again, lifts her hand from his head as she texts something. 

The past few days have felt like a dream, a really, really, wonderful winter dream, but it dawns on him that they’ve spent that time cocooned away from all their friends, their lives, and all of reality. What changes, when they’re back on solid ground instead of dancing around each other in a picturesque snow globe scene? 

_Just fucking ask her, you pussy._

“Kie?” he asks tentatively, picking his head up and rolling onto his stomach to face her.

She raises her eyebrows, sets her phone down in her lap. “Yeah?” 

JJ takes a deep breath, asks, “so what… _happens_ when we get back?” 

Kiara smirks at him, sarcastically says, “Well, I was actually planning on dumping you as soon as the plane touched down and,” she cups his chin and shakes it gently, “crushing your little heart.”

He pulls his head away and turns his head down to hide the heat crawling in his face. It was just a joke, she was trying to say that she had no intention of changing anything when they get back. But it’s condescending all the same. He knew he shouldn’t ask stupid fucking questions. 

Kiara presses a finger to the crease in his eyebrows. “Hey, relax, I’m kidding, I would never do that.” 

“Yeah, yeah I know, I’m sorry it was a dumb question. I’m just tired,” he offers a small smile and “g’night,” before lying down on his side of the bed. Closes his eyes and tries to block that one particular moment in time out of his memory. 

***

The easier thing to do would be to just go to bed. Kiara could just curl in beside him and let it go, wake up the next morning and pretend it never happened. Save whatever emotional shit that might need to be unpacked on both ends for another day. It’s clearly what JJ’s trying to do and a week ago she might have let him. It’s not that she thinks he’s mad at her or anything, but something’s bothering him, has been the past few days and she might as well try and work on the whole communication thing now as opposed to later. 

She places a hand on his shoulder and softly says, “hey, JJ.” 

He rolls over to look at her, eyebrows raised. 

“I was just messing around okay? Nothings going to change when we get back,” she rubs her hand against his shoulder in what she hopes in a comforting gesture, “I promise.” 

He smiles softly at her, places his hand over hers and gives it a squeeze, says, “okay.” The relief in his eyes tells her that he believes her. JJ leans up to press a chaste kiss to her lips before falling down on the pillow again. He goes to close his eyes again and Kiara takes a breath of courage and keeps pressing. 

“JJ is something – is everything… okay? With you.” 

He frowns at her, props his head up on his elbows. “Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t it be?” 

Kiara smiles, shakes her head at him. “Because I _know_ you. You don’t get upset over little things like sarcastic jokes–” 

“I wasn’t _upset._ ” 

“It _bothered_ you,” she corrects, “something is _bothering_ you and it’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with that, I just want you to tell me what it is. I can help.” 

JJ shakes his head, a small smile on his lips. “I appreciate the offer Kie, but I’m good. Really, I am.” 

“I think you’re forgetting the whole _I know you_ bit,” she says with a small smile, “you can’t just lie to me.” 

He purses his lips. “I’m not lying.” 

Kie raises her eyebrows. “You were literally _crying,_ like, a couple of hours.” 

He opens and closes his mouth like a gaping fish for a moment before saying, “I’m just _tired._ It makes me emotional. Is this what it’s like to be on your period?” 

“What? No! That's- no, no. Don’t try and deflect on me.” 

JJ gasps in mock offense. “Me? Deflect? On you? I wouldn’t dream of it, dear.” 

“You are impossible,” Kiara responds with an exasperated sigh. 

He grins back. “Why thank you.” 

She fixes him a half-hearted glare. “JJ seriously, I can tell something’s up with you. Can you please just tell me what it is?” 

JJ sighs, rolls onto his back and looks up at her. “It's really not that a big of a deal Kie, I’m just… I dunno,” he makes air quotes, “ _insecure_ er whatever. Not really your problem.” 

“About what?” she asks gently. 

JJ goans, sits up to better face her. “You’re really not gonna let this go are you?” 

“Nope,” she responds cheerlily, popping the P. She pokes him in the stomach. “Spills your guts, mister.” 

He wrinkles his nose and sticks his tongue out at her, but she can tell he appreciates her attempt to lighten the mood, even if it’s brief as he looks down and starts to fiddle nervously with his hands. When he starts talking again it’s soft and quiet, unsure. “About everything. About _us._ I don’t want to be, I wanna be confident and sure of everything like you are but,” he lets out a humorless laugh, “what the hell do I know about healthy relationships?” 

He glances up at her tentatively, checking her reaction. She tilts her head and offers him a small understanding smile. “I'd say you know you more than you think you do.” 

JJ huffs, shakes his head. “I probably have some fucked habits I don’t even _know_ are fucked up. I don’t wanna make you deal with that shit.” 

Kiara brings her hand over to hold his. “I’m sure you probably do,” he looks up at that, eyes wide like he wasn’t expecting that response. “But that’s _okay,_ ” she continues, once again catching him by surprise, “JJ, you got out of a _really_ toxic relationship. You’re going to have some unhealthy habits. It’s _normal._ When they come up, we’ll talk about and deal with it,” she squeezes his hand, “it’s really not the end of the world.” 

JJ squeezes her hand back, breathes a sigh a sigh of relief and shakes his head at her. “How are you so chill about all of this?”

  
Kiara laughs, leans back against the headboard. “Can I tell you a secret?” 

He nods, copies her motion and turns his head to her. 

“I’m _not_ ,” she admits, “I know you think I’m some kind of perfect relationship queen but,” her voice softens as she turns her head to face him, “I get insecure about this stuff sometimes too.”

“Really?” JJ asks, genuinely surprised. 

Kie laughs. “Yes, _dumbass._ ” 

“Like what?” 

She wrinkles her nose at him and JJ shrugs. 

“Hey, I told you mine. Now it’s your turn,” he pokes her in the stomach, adds with a grin, “spill your guts, missy,” as she squirms away from him. 

Kiara swats lightly at his head as she sits back up. “That’s ma’am to you, punk.” 

JJ grins. “Sincerest apologies.” 

She rolls her eyes and starts to pull at the bracelets on her wrist, knowing that he is _right._ Being open goes both ways and she really can’t be hypocritical and refuse to share anything on her end. Kiara swallows hard, doesn’t look at him as she starts talking. “Sometimes, you give me this _look–_ ” 

JJ’s head perks up. “I have a look?” 

Kiara rolls her eyes. “Yes, that’s what I said. Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking about my feelings.” 

He smiles a little, settles down like she’s telling him a story. “Oh, right, sorry.” 

“Thank you. Where was I?” 

“I have a look.” 

“Oh right, your look. So, um, I guess I don’t really know how to describe it. But sometimes you look at me like,” she pauses, trying to think of a way to say this that isn’t cringey as fuck and decides it’s impossible, “like I’m your whole fucking world.” 

JJ frowns, his cheeks growing a little red, asks tentatively, “and that’s a bad thing?”

  
“No, it’s not _bad._ It just scared the living shit out of me,” she meets his eyes, sincere and gentle and confused, takes a breath and musters up whatever courage she might have. “It makes me wonder if I,” she takes another breath, “if I even deserve your,” she pauses, once again struggling for words that don’t sound dumb and fails, tries to play it off like she’s making fun of herself as she says, “ _undying trust and devotion._ ” 

JJ laughs. The bastard actually fucking laughs and Kiara pulls her knee’s up to her chest and hides her face in them, groans, “I know, I know, it’s cringey, you don’t have to be an ass about it.” 

He nuzzles his head against her arms and presses a kiss to her head with another chuckle. “I hate to break it to ya Kie, but you’ve had all that shit for a while now.” 

She lifts her head up to look at him, sighs. “That’s very sweet and probably true, but it doesn’t mean I _deserve_ it,” her voice softens, “I’ve hurt you so many times.” 

JJ just rolls his eyes. “And you call _me_ dramatic. It was like twice, when we were _kids._ You can’t go beating yourself up over that.” 

Kiara just stares at him, despite his rough and tumble, _trust no one_ exterior, his capacity for seeing the best in people always amazes her. “How are you so _forgiving?_ ”  
JJ shrugs. “Honestly, it’s probably the trauma. _But_ yeah, your Kook year sucked, and I was pissed for a while, but it was forever ago and it was childish and dumb. The morning after the Phantom, that sucked a lot more but it wasn’t your fault my dad overdosed or that I got thrown into the system. I mean, I kinda thought you hated me which wasn’t great but that month wasn’t much better for you than it was for me. I think you’ve punished yourself for it enough,” Kiara turns away from him, her heart beating rapidly in her chest, her face growing warm, and he’s giving her that _fucking_ look again. JJ reaches over and cups her cheek, gently directing her head back to meet his eyes as he continues softly, “you were there for me, when I got home and for the next fucking six years after that. You’ve helped me a lot more than you’ve ever hurt me, Kie.” 

Kiara sighs, tilts her head into his touch, lets herself lean on his strength. “You’re really sweet, you know that?” she whispers. 

“Don’t tell anyone,” JJ responds with a grin, “you’ll ruin my street cred.” 

She rolls her eyes and sinks back down onto the mattress. “Well, we wouldn’t want to do that.”

  
He smiles, lies down and presses a kiss to her forehead before moving back to his side of the bed and closing his eyes. 

Kiara sighs. “Hey, JJ?”

“Mmhm?” 

She opens her arms, whispers, “I'm cold,” even though she’s not. She thinks JJ knows. He crawls in beside her and rests his head on her chest, his hair tickling her chin and her arm coming around to rest on his shoulder. 

“You don’t have to be so nervous about everything you know,” she says quietly. “You’re a lot better at this whole relationship thing than you give yourself credit for.” 

He doesn’t move his head, makes a small noise of acknowledgment that sounds more like a whine than anything else. 

Kiara laughs, rubs the pad of her thumb against the soft skin on his shoulder. “I mean it,” she whispers, “I mean you were bending over backwards to try and please my crazy family when we weren’t even dating. Not to be a John B or anything, but I consider myself lucky to have you.” 

JJ’s about ten times worse about taking compliments than her, tries to hide his face farther in her neck and whines, “stoooop.” 

She laughs again, pulls him tighter and kisses his hair. “I know, I know, I’m so mean. I’ll try not to say so many nice things about you.” 

“Thank you!” he mumbles back. 

She shakes her head, a small smile on her face and picks up her phone again, looks at the half started instagram post of the trip, a polaroid Amelia had taken of her and her parents on the ice, a selfie she’d taken with Abigail, a picture of her, JJ and the kids playing Mario Kart, a selfie of her and JJ at Beetlejuice, a video of him wiping out while skiing (one of many), a couple of pretty landscape pictures she’d taken and the polaroid of her and JJ kissing that she had been debating whether or not to include. 

“JJ.” 

“Mmm?” 

‘Look at this.”

  
He grumbles about being fucking exausted but perches his his head on her shoulder to look at her phone with her. His eyes widen when he sees the picture she’s currently tagging him in. She captions it _Santa really came through for me this year ngl,_ and hits the post button. 

Kiara turns to JJ. “Now all, _five hundred and six_ of my instagram followers know that you,” she grabs his chin and gives it a little shake, continues teasingly “are _mine._ ” 

He smirks back at her. “ _Possessive_.” 

“Oh, you know it, babe.” 

“I knew you had a mommy dom kink.” 

Kiara groans. “Oh, _God,_ not this again.” 

“I mean, you really walked right into that one.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” she says with a sigh. 

“Hey, it’s okay Kie. I’m not judging. I’ll be your little boy.” 

He meets her glare with a shit eating grin. 

“How about you just focus on being my boyfriend for now?” She counters, enjoying the way his grin falters and he clears his throat awkwardly, visibly holding back a wide smile. 

JJ nods in a lame attempt to be nonchalant. “Yeah, yeah, I can do that.” 

She smirks, presses a kiss to his forehead. Says, “good,” and then looks down at her Instagram feed where her post has just appeared. 

“Sarah’s gonna flip her shit.” 

***

JJ settles back down onto Kiara’s chest as she turns the light out, the steady beat of her heart in his ear, her arm resting lazily on his shoulder, her warmth surrounding him. A similar warmth burning in his chest like a furnace, prompting him to fight the exhaustion in his limbs and stay awake even longer, to live in this moment for as long as he can. JJ reminds himself that he doesn’t have to treat every night with Kiara like it’s his last. She’s not going bail, and he sure as hell wouldn’t give this up for the world. They’re in this together from now on, it’s a comforting thought. Just before he gives in to the darkness and slips out of consciousness, he feels her lips on his hair and hears Kiara’s voice, so quiet and soft he almost misses it. 

“ _I love you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo almost two months and 56 thousand words later this "Christmas fic" is done akjsfdhsf AHHHHHHHHH I am big emotion akjdfhsf. It also takes place over like one-week ajfdksfh if we learned one thing it's that *I* need to work on my pacing LOL but this is fic so I do what I want hehe. First of all a big huge shout out to Yellowlaboratory for being an amazing beta, cheerleader, and friend, staying up past midnight reading through these messasters and helping me with the witty things like what JJ's insta username would be (she's a lot funnier than me alkjfsldfdhf) And literally thank you SO MUCH to anyone and everyone who has read, left kudos, or commented on this fic!!! I've had SO much fun writing it, venting my love for these two idiots and only kind of projecting my love for JJ :) Anyway I feel like there's more I should say but I'm not sure what askjhf just thank you so much I am literally so happy that people had as much fun reading this as I did writing <3

**Author's Note:**

> ayyy you made it to the end! If you enjoyed please feel free to leave a friendly comment, they are greatly enjoyed and appreciated. I'm not sure exactly how long this is going to be but I'm thinking five chapters at leASt and I can make zero promises for an update schedule because I have to go to this terrible thing called school and it is quite the time sucker but hopefully it will be less than a month LOL. (send help) But thank you so much for reading! I hope you had as much fun as I did writing it!
> 
> tumblr: carissarose16  
> 


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